Are You Scared of Me?

"Are you scared of me or something?"

It was the line that would stick out through everything. I knew at the time I was terrified of him, parts of me still are all these years later. My mind would go back to that night a lot through the years. I would remember sitting in the dark with him, way past my curfew after the mountain's automatic lights turned off. We were at a small campsite's park sitting on picnic tables. He had led me here and I immediately had sat down a table across from his, out of instinct more than anything because I wasn't quite yet aware of the power he possessed over me. I looked up at him with wide eyes, I hadn't even realized the truth until he said it: I was terrified.

I knew him for years; we grew up together spending every summer at the same camp we were at now. When we were really young, we were best friends. I ran around with him and played tractors in his sandbox until my mom called me home. I knew his family and they loved me, his grandmother even became a confidante to me as I got older and things at home got more difficult. It wasn't until I was about ten that I really thought about him in a 'more than friends' kind of way. We dated like little kids do, holding hands secretly and playing together more, and then after two years twelve-year-old me broke up with him. It apparently broke his thirteen-year-old heart but he seemed to get over it pretty quickly. After that we broke up and got back together in between another girl and his breakups and reunions.

Being as young as we were, I had no intentions of doing anything more then hold hands and kiss. Over the school year though, him and his girlfriend at the time were rumored to be doing a lot more than that. He went to a different school then me and so we decided to just pick up where we left off over summers. It was easy for him to do that and then do the same for his school girlfriend, but I found it getting harder and harder when summer was over to say goodbye even if it was only for a little.

Now that I knew that the rumors were true, I was a little intimidated by him. I didn't know if he wanted to pick up where he left with me or where he left with her. We had spent some time at our spot, a fallen tree in the woods, and I knew that my mother would be pissed that I wasn't home yet but he convinced me to go to the park with him for a while. I wasn't sure if this was to talk or if he had another idea in mind. I was trying to be good but at the same time I wanted to please him, I wanted to keep him interested in me especially because he was turning sixteen in a month and would soon have a car; making it easier for us to stay together all year.

We sat in the dark and I didn't answer for a long time. I was trying to figure out the right words to say to him. I wanted to let him know that it wasn't him, just the thought of doing things I knew I shouldn't and the thought that he might want to do them with him. I always had thought I would save myself for marriage, and that maybe my husband would too. I wanted to live my life the right way, or at least the way that I was being told was right.

He laughed a little when he didn't hear a response from me, which confused me even more. 'Was he laughing at me?', I wondered. It wouldn't be until years later that I realized he wasn't laughing at me; he was laughing at the fact that he knew I was afraid and he would use that information to dominate the rest of our relationship.

He asked the question again and finally I managed to croak a 'no' from my suddenly dry throat. I was very nervous and my palms started to sweat a little. I didn't know why I was so worried. He had always been such a sweet guy to me, but somehow I knew when I saw him for the first time this summer that something was different. It was in his eyes; they had lost the sweet blue glow that had been there for as long as I can remember. It was also in his personality. He was more rigid around me; guarded and almost emotionless.

Suddenly, he moved which broke me from my thoughts. He leaned in to me and I involuntarily slid back a little more. I saw a look in his eyes that I didn't recognize: the deepest sadness I've ever seen. It haunted me for years after. How could someone be that sad? What happened over the school year that had completely destroyed the sweet love that he once had in his eyes every time he looked at me?

I whispered my apologies to him and took his hand as a form of approval for him to come closer. I made sure that I didn't move a muscle as he tucked a piece of my hair behind my ear. He looked at me for a moment, really looking at me, for a reason I couldn't see. I knew now that he was looking for traces of her in me; watching my face to see if I was capable of doing what she did to him. She broke his heart this year, and that was never part of the deal. She destroyed the boy he once was just by saying goodbye. I never realized how much more love for her he had then me. I never realized I would become his substitute for her either.

I looked back at him with my innocent, loving eyes. From that moment on, I was always the one to love him unconditionally. I would pick up the pieces as his life fell apart. I would always be there even if he didn't want me to be because I would know he needed me. I would know what he needed from me and I l would just let take it, no matter what I had going on. I didn't see that side of it though, not yet but looking at him in that moment, I did see a little bit of that boy that I had once known. I smiled up at him as I thought maybe it would just take some time for him to come back to me.

"Come sit with me?" He asked almost in a whisper, I think it surprised him how softy he spoke.

I stood up and jumped off the actual seat to the picnic table, we both were sitting on the tops, and crossed the foot or so to his table. I sat down beside him but left a little room between us, still nervous about what he wanted from me.

"See not so bad right?" He said, laughing a little as he scooted over to where he could touch my thigh. "I don't bite."

I just looked at him, my nerves taking over once again. He continued to look me in the eyes, I knew I loved him even then. It was this intense, overpowering feeling; I knew that he could tell too. He took my hand and it was over. I was caught right back up into his spell. He knew the things to say and do. He told me the story of what happened to him, how he lost his virginity to her and how she took all of his innocence with her when she left.

The sad part is, I believed him. I believed every single lie he's told me. I let him take all of me, just like he let her take all of him all those years ago. I lost my voice so he could have his but when he finally learned to be him again it wasn't the him I knew. I lost my voice so he could be the him I wanted but it doesn't work that way. He changed and once that happens there's no going back. I lost my voice so I could still be scared of him.