The Bus Stop

20: Lasts

A/N: Song attached: Never Be Alone, Shawn Mendes.

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  I watched the streetlights fly through the night, leaving a distant trail for the briefest of seconds. The car was travelling fast enough for the impossibility to read the street names we were passing, but I knew where we were going, for I knew my way around Pine Cove like I knew the way around my own bedroom.

  Resting my temple against Max's cool, car window, I let out a shaky breath and watched as it made the pane fog over and then slowly disappear.  It made me feel slightly better as it distracted me from the fact that I didn't want to be going to this party.  Then as soon as the thought entered my mind, I thought about its constancy. While the reluctance of going to parties had always been the same, it was now I held a different reason.  I didn't want to go somewhere if all I was going to be doing was spying on Piper and Trevor.

  Except the problem was, I didn't want to be at home either.  With Max going to this party, Josh going to Arden's house, mom spending extra hours at the office and dad being God knows where, I would be in the house alone.  I wasn't hesitant to be at home for the fear of an intruder breaking down the front door or a ghost taunting me as I made some popcorn or even the possibility of a wild animal attacking me.  I was afraid of what I might do.  Because I was my biggest fear, and I had no control over my actions. 

  When I was alone, it was a time when all of the thoughts I had been pushing away surfaced.  It was the time when I felt the most vulnerable, for every dark feeling consumed me, the memories I tried so hard to forget coming back to destroy me.  It was a time when I would just cry, my vision clouded as I wished myself to not do anything stupid.  But the thing was, I had every reason to feel this way and everyone else had every reason to do nothing about it. 

"Hey," Max said, his voice sounding so gentle and soft I almost missed it. I turned to face him, running a hand through my hair (which I had managed to straighten just before Max came to pick me) and watching as he frowned. "Are you going to be okay tonight?"

He didn't say what he was referring to, but I knew it was to do with either Trevor O'Connor being there or the amount of alcohol that would be consumed around me. I wasn't sure if I was going to be okay, but I did know I had no intentions of ruining Max's night. So I opted for a reassuring nod. Although at the pit of my stomach, I had to suppress the urge to scream.  There was this brewing energy to just cry and tell Max what I had seen on Wednesday.

  As if reading my mind, Max spoke again.

  "You know you can tell me anything," he said, his eyes taking a brief second off the road to settle on me.  He was making it harder.  I could almost feel his blue eyes on me, studying me as if I was a question he didn't understand.  When the seconds became too long, the boy turned his attention back onto the road and frowned.  "Because you sure look like you've got a lot to say."

  I felt the smallest tear drop down my face as we pulled into Nash's street.  As Max turned off the car, he slumped back in his seat and sighed, staring ahead into the darkness.  I shook my head.

  "Not tonight."

  I felt the guilt rising, threatening to tear apart every string inside of me until I was left broken.  I shouldn't have felt this guilty, for my intentions of keeping such a large secret where genuine.  I couldn't just blurt out that his new girlfriend was cheating on him, they hadn't even been dating for a month. For all I knew, what I saw on Wednesday could be a complete misunderstanding.