"Now, the night is coming to an end
The sun will rise and we will try again.
Stay alive for me."
-Twenty One Pilots, Truce
Caitlin
The walk of shame. You would think that's just what people do after a regretful one night stand, but for me, it was more literal, more depressing. I thought what had happened with Parker in my bedroom was just a one time thing, just a "what happens in Vegas" concept that will never happen nor ever be spoken of again.
But it happened. Again. With Parker.
Somehow, after a somewhat decent day with Parker, I had found myself walking into another one of Daemon Adessi's infamous parties at 10PM. I knew I shouldn't have gone, hell, I even warned Parker not to go, yet there I was, walking through the freezing cold in a thin jacket. I strolled casually into the party and before I knew it, I was swaying lifelessly on the dance floor with a bottle of Vodka in my hands.
My body was numb and for once, I could feel the slightest buzz of pleasure in my system.
Just tonight... this one time...
But the pleasure subsided instantly and was replaced with an overwhelming wave of horrible memories. My head hurt. My heart hurt. My hands were trembling and I was getting claustrophobic from the moving people and the loud noises. I needed to escape. And sensibly, I escaped to the one place I could imagine. It was all a blur, really. My legs couldn't move straight and everything was numb - from the alcohol or the cold, I couldn't tell. I was marching through the snow with my trusty pal Absolut in my hand until I spotted the intersection and my knees gave away to the snow.
It's my fault, It's my fault, It's my fault...
My heart was beating erratically and before I knew it, my mind betrayed me and reached for the plastic bottle in my pocket.
My hands, shaking vehemently as the little tablets fell onto my palm.
And for the first time in a while, I thanked God when a sharp yell passed my head and startled me, possibly kicking me out of, or right into my shock. "STOP."
I was panicking once again as the familiar figure held onto me and whispered words of comfort. "Let me help you." And I succumbed to the only source of reassurance I could find.
He helped me up, and we just sat there on that bench, his arm around me for warmth, staring at the place where my brother was killed. I turned my head to look at Parker instead. His brown eyes met mine and I thought back to when he was my friend. I mean, he did always call himself the knight, and I, the damsel in distress. But I could tell the way he was looking at me that maybe it wasn't just him that did all the saving...
The walk home consisted of the shame- embarrassment and disgust at my own actions. Some would say that my life flashed before my eyes, but it was more of a reality check. The world's cruel method to making me realize what was going on. But it worked, and I hated myself for it. I hated that I could end my life on purpose so cruelly and selfishly, when people like my brother didn't have the option on when their life would end. I need to be alive. For him. Someone needs to stay alive to remember him and love him.
So by midnight I was back home. Parker had someone devised a way to climb me back up my porch and back into the warm confines of my bed. Parker fell asleep on a chair but all I could do was stay up and stare at the glowing green stars stuck to my ceiling.
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Phoenix Hearts
Short Story"She died-this was the way she died. And when her breath was done Took up her simple wardrobe And started for the sun. Her little figure at the gate The Angels must have spied, Since I could never find her Upon the mortal side." -Emily Dickinson Aft...
