Phoenix Hearts

Depression

"You gotta hit rock bottom before you know which direction to go in,"

-Red, Orange is the New Black

Parker

"We used to be best friends, you know."

Caitlin scoffed and looked at me. "Maybe when we were 8. A lot happened since then. I barely know you." I nodded quietly. She was right. A lot has happened. In a way, I was happy now. Or as happy as a kid with acute social anxiety could be. I could die now and be happy, because I always have an itching feeling that if I keep living, things will just get worse. I wasn't good with people unless they found a way to be good with me. Otherwise, I was a normal kid somewhat content with my life. Until lately.

I trusted her with my life. With my heart. And she took my heart and destroyed it. Manipulated and tortured it, letting it it rot until I was sitting in my own ashes. She destroyed the walls that took me 5 years to build- 5 years to adapt to how my life would work out - 5 years to learn how to keep a conversation- 5 years to not freak out during job interviews - 5 years to convince myself I would be okay. She fulfilled me in a way that "social interactions with my community" (as my mom calls it) could never fulfill. Screw therapy and recovery when I had the love of my life to understand me and make me happy. But now she was gone and it's re-triggered the part of my brain that keeps me from leaving the house, seeing my friends, and doing anything but skateboard to school and straight home. She made me better and I missed that. But in some dumb, twisted way, I hated myself for depending on her like that. I was a depedent individual and frankly, I'll probably stay that way.

"Hey." I jumped at the sound and turned to Caitlin. A small smile lifted the corners of her lips. "You good? You kinda zoned out." I chuckled and awkwardly pushed back the hair that was falling over my eyes.

"Sorry, I guess I did. Were you saying something?"

She shrugged. "Not a word."

I looked straight ahead. My old house. Now inhabited by what was probably a nice happy family with kids who'd climb the branches of the low willow tree.

"Remember when we'd climb that tree?" I blurted suddenly.

She chuckled. "That time I slipped off and you tried to grab me."

"And we both fell." Those last 4 words we spoke simultaneously and we shared a smile.

Nostalgia soared through me as she spoke. "And you broke your arm because I landed on you." Caitlin let out a huff that lightened the air around us. "My hero."

We had been sitting on this bench in silence once again. I turned my eyes back to my phone which had been opened onto Facebook Messenger. Somehow, people had known that I was coming home for the break and suddenly over a dozen people had messaged me asking how I was and if I wanted to hang out. These were people I only knew through elementary school and didn't know me at all now. I saw one message from a Daemon Adessi, my best guy friend growing up. But we haven't talked since I moved.

My eyes scrolled through the message and I sighed, getting Caitlin's attention. "This guy, Daemon. He's throwing a party tonight. Asked if I wanted to come. Lives in the next neighborhood I think."

Caitlin nodded in response. "Yeah, I know him. I wouldn't... don't go. It's not worth it."

"Duly noted."

It wasn't long before my mom texted me. We both needed to return home.

We stood from the bench and I heard something clink against the bench and fall onto the white powder on the ground. We looked down to see a small silver ring that had fallen from my pocket. I winced at the sight of it and muttered a "Sorry" as I bent to pick it up.