30 Day Letter Challenge

Dear Crush

Dear Crush,

I'm going to refer to you as Thomas in this letter and any other letter if I write to you. 

Your eyes, those beautiful brown eyes that is always filled with curiosity. You could swallow me up by just one glance. 

Your hair, your wild and curly chocolate brown hair that I could get my fingers lost in. That hair that you clip up, saying it bothers the sh!t out of you. 

Your mouth, the mouth that forms your cute crooked smile that I just had to fall for. 

Remember in the 8th grade we went on the same school trip to China, we went hiking and stayed at a hostel. That night the sky was filled with stars, it was beautiful. The teacher called us for some kind of meeting that I don't remember about, but I do remember you saying this.

"I'm so screwed tonight..." I would ask why and your reply was that you needed to ask out your crush. I didn't think much about this but I didn't expect what happened a few minutes later. I was just standing right outside of my cabin which turns out to be right next to your cabin. I would sit on that abandoned bed. It was probably around 11 at night. I remember my other friend was still awake in the cabin.

I was staring up into the sky looking at the millions of stars that filled the sky. After a long day of hiking, it was such an amazing gift. You came out and sat right next to me. We stayed like that for a few minutes, than you stood up and said

"Will you go out with me?" 

Let's just say I was speechless. I have never been asked out, therefor have no idea what I was supposed to do. I just told you to hang on a sec and ran to my cabin to talk it over with my still awake friend. She told me to do what I thought was best and what I did is what I regret the most. I turned you down. 

Do you know why I regret is so bad? Because if I said yes, you wouldn't be with her. If I said yes, you wouldn't be smiling at her with love in your eyes, you wouldn't be by her side. She's my friend and that's what makes it even worse... All I get to do is chat to you at night via skype and just when I was starting to really get into the conversation, you just have to mention her name, talk about what you love oh so much about her. I agree, she's a very nice girl, but you know what? It hurts every time you say something about her. Sometimes I just don't understand how guys brains works... You know I like you, you know exactly how much I like you, but you just have to go off and talk about her. 

Haven't you ever realized, that whenever you mention her name, the conversation has an awkward silence? Isn't it obvious? You ask if I'm okay with him mentioning her... of course not. If you actually saw me, which you do at times, you would realize that I don't like that topic. 

And I'm scared. I'm scared that this might not be a little crush like I want it to be. This might turn out to be love. And the last time I loved someone, it didn't go well. I ended up hurting someone I cared for and I don't want that to repeat again. 

Sometimes I wish either one of us will disappear form this world. If I was gone, I wouldn't even have to bother about life, if you were gone, I would never have to think about my feelings. 

But you know what, even with the horrible things that may come with liking you, I can't stop this feeling that I have, and I'm going to learn how to deal with it. But for now, this is it.

Love you always,

xxx

Shadowlove