The worst thing I've ever done is left my wife. The worst thing somebody else has ever done is told me that the only way to return my wife to normal was to leave her. It was a grim melancholy day when those actions took place, I should've taken the weather as an omen. The sky was pouring it's tears to earth, clouds blocking out the light from the sky so life seemed almost black and white. I had made an appointment to see a psychiatrist about my partner's health, since she had developed a serious hysterical tendency. Every time she blinked she would go into a mad fit, screaming that I was going to leave her.
Before this pinnacle of mental instability, my wife had been gaining a stronger and stronger dependency on me. When we were dating she went from being fine without me, to needing me present at least every other day. If the criteria was not met she would go into a deep phase of depression. In marriage it went from that to requiring daily doses of me, to every few hours, to every hour. She would be convinced I was running away if she didn't see me enough. I allowed her to bring her laptop and follow me to my work space, and even with friends. I love her, any amount of maintenance to keep her healthy is worth it. Or that's what I thought at the time. From there it just got worse, she needed to constantly be with me. She would go into a frenzy when separated, even if just for a few seconds.
Then she couldn't stand the nanoseconds where she couldn't see me while blinking or turning away due to a loud noise. She would curl in a ball and scream that demons were coming to take her away. Away from me. I suppose it was OCD, depression, and hysteria all rolled together or something. We had to see a doctor, I knew that. I put it off anyway. Not because I was lazy or didn't want to get her help, but because in the back of my mind I knew what they would do, that they would make my wife's superstitions come true. I avoided the appointment until it absolutely couldn't wait. I woke up in the middle of the night, my hand was empty where her's used to be. She never left me. I had walked down the stairs to the kitchen where she was holding a small kitchen knife and holding her eyelid out from her eye, poising the blade ready to cut off that part of her face. When asking about it later she told me that if she lacked eyelids she would always see me and always know the demons aren't there. I scheduled an appointment with a professional right when my wife fell asleep. See, she could sleep only when she was wrapped around me and completely exhausted.
At the doctor's my wife answered all the guy's questions wholly and without any skepticism. I was impressed by her cooperativeness, so was the doc. He asked if he would ever be able to meet with me alone, when my wife had drifted to sleep halfway through the session. I answered as honestly as I could, "That'll be near impossible sir, and the time may very well be outside of business hours."
We found a time.
I had called over a friend of mine and had them tie up my sleeping love, lest she awaken and try to cut off her eyelids again. Then I was off. I knew, I knew what was going to happen. I simply chose to be oblivious to what I knew, to save myself from shattering.
You know what happens, he tells me to leave her. I do it, so she can be safe. I don't want to get in detail, I've lived through that once no need to do it again.
Now I spend my days writing and working. Alone. It's almost funny, since that colorless day color has failed to return to me. The sheets in my bed are gray, but I swear I bought green. The roses in the flower stands are just different hues of black. It's like me. I'm just an outline without my wife. Nothing to fill in the blanks, I guess she wasn't the only attached one.
