I sat on the damp grass 4 months after that encounter and smoked my cigarette. We'd only been in the park for twenty minutes and I could tell my friends were trying to work out what I was thinking with their quick side glances and careful words, making sure they didn't mention anything that might make me stir. The smoke burnt the back of my throat as I inhaled again, red stains printed on the filter. Wishfully hoping it would hurt more than the whirling thoughts inside. Part of me was angry, yearning to be careless and destructive; the other part of me had given up. It was fully prepared to drop the facade of savage man-eater and reveal my true colours. The conversation I had endured with my friend just yesterday replayed in my mind,
"This IS a storybook," she had told me; I'd looked her in the eyes and smiled a small, very dejected smile.
"I know that now. She may have been a story book girl but if my life were really a story, we'd be together by now, there would be no Parallel universe, or double gravity or anything, she'd be here, and I'd be there, except we're not." The smile faded and I stared at the rest of the world as people rushed by, continuing with their everyday lives when I felt as though it was impossible. I spared my friend the thoughts that circled my mind. The pain of having your significant other, just slip through your fingers as though you were nothing. As if you'd never meant half as much to them as they meant to you, but the thing is she did and I did and we did but it wouldn't work out because it wasn't allowed. The lump caught in my throat as it did every time the subject was brought up and I swallowed it once more. My eyelids had swollen and the bags that rested under them; tumid. It would be pathetic if I continue to cry at the mere mention of her existence. What a depressive creature I have become.
It was impossible to forget the burning image of her smile and the musical noise that floated by when she laughed, what a tragedy this was. To suddenly have the person that is my Best Friend above and now gone.
Falling in love will kill you.
