unaccepted || wroetostar {coming soon}

un

  vik

sighing as the tanned boy started at the screen. his final youtube video of the day was almost uploaded. thankful as the bar was full and it stated '100%', vik checked the time on his phone. 22:47. vik felt he could finally fall asleep.

quickly finishing up his job for the day, checking there was no issues with his twenty minute long video, tweeting out the link etc. vik finally fell into his bed. lazily pushing off his jeans, that weren't the most comfortable to sleep in, vik found himself too lazy to change out of one of his many sidemen shirts.

it was six when vik arose from his slumber. proud that he had slept through the night, his insomnia more often than not causing him to wake at ridicule times in the night. two, then twenty past two, then three and so forth. vik didn't find it very difficult to fall asleep, though it was harder than his early teenage years, but staying asleep was a different matter. no, he never really had nightmares that awoke him with fear and fright. he just simply couldn't stay asleep. something to do with his subconscious, the doctors had diagnosed. obviously he'd had therapy to try and find out the reason. deep down, vik knew why but he wanted it to stay that way. for the better.

rather clumsily, vik threw back the brown bed covers and hung his legs off the side of his bed. when he first moved into the sidemen house, he bought a higher bed but soon changed his mind when he found it embarrassing that his feet only just reached the floor. his insecurities seeping through, he swapped the bed for a lower one, simply to avoid his own embarrassment.

standing from his bed, the dark haired boy pulled on some jogging bottoms that were strewn across the floor and, tiredly, exited the comfort of his room. finding his way to the kitchen in the early morning sunlight, vik automatically made himself a bowl of cookie crisp cereal, alike almost every morning. sitting himself at the centre island of the dirty kitchen, due to the fact all the boys had recently being busy and unable to clean it, the troubled boy quickly got lost in his own thoughts. how was he going to live his life like this? he barely accepted himself. that's why he never told anyone. he just couldn't muster up the courage to admit the sin.

"hey, vik." josh entered the kitchen, looked around at the mess and began to tidy it up. "you okay?"

"yeah, i'm fine. just thinking." nodding in understanding, josh rinsed different dishes before placing them in the dishwasher, which they both knew wouldn't be emptied until, at least, the next day. vik tried not to get lost in thoughts again, knowing it never ended well and it was barely seven in the morning. he still had numerous videos to record. and one involved lachlan, a friend from australia, so that would mess up his sleep more than normal. sure, vik thoroughly enjoys his job. but sometimes he feels pressured. as if he doesn't get a video up on each of his channels then everyone will view him as a failure. he wouldn't be accepted, right? well, that's what vik believes. with two different audiences to please, it wasn't as if vik just couldn't post on one channel without the other. like two siblings at a young age, 'can't give one without the other'. i mean, parents don't regret having their children but can find them annoying, it's the same with vik and his channels. but what could he really do?

"vik, are you finished with your bowl?" josh broke viks thoughts, again, and vik handed josh the bowl, which now only contained chocolate milk from the cereal. gosh, was vik tired. but not tired where he could just sleep for a century, tired where he felt fed up. he was tired of how he felt and he was tired with everyone around him. "the guys are coming around today. to film the helium challenge. are you sure you still wanna sit it out?"

"yeah, i'm going to record some how to minecraft then i need to film with lachlan. but thanks." vik hadn't been featuring in as many sidemen video's as he used to. purely the fact that he felt weird performing for an audience that enjoyed games like fifa then there was vik with his minecraft video's. he just felt so diverse.

"we're thinking of going away, too. napa, i think. depends if you want to come or not." josh informed vik. vik nodded, his mind almost automatically rejecting the idea. part of him thought it would be good for him. the other part thought of all the video's he'd have to pre-record. that meant more sleepless nights and more stress and more bad thoughts and feelings. vik knew what was best but was that really the best? it had such a hefty price, after all.

by two, all of the sidemen we're settled into the living room, ethan, simon, tobi and harry occupying the xbox one with a game of fifa. josh and jj weren't intently watching the game whilst vik awaited a message from lachlan, over skype, telling him he was ready to record.

bored from the meaningless game to him, vik found himself staring at harry. how he looked- wait, what? no. no. vik's phone vibrated in his hand, bringing him back from his daze. lachlan was ready to record the find the button map that they'd planned. "i'm gonna go record." vik announced, rather timidly, placing his phone into his back pocket and walking up the flight of stairs.

settling into his gaming chair, vik clicked onto skype and called lachlan who answered almost immediately. "hey vik!" lachlan enthused, a bright smile on his structured face.

"hey." vik replied, trying to sound awake and happy rather than the tiredness and stress he felt. "i'm just loading up the map." he informed the australian.

"okay, cool." the two fell into a comfortable silence, the only noise being the clicking and tapping of their mouse and keyboards. "how have you been?" lachlan asked, being some what aware of the stress that vik consistently was under. he was concerned for the boy. the fact that they had younger audiences meant that their fans didn't understand that much. they wasn't aware of how youtube can negatively affect someone. where as the other sidemen had slightly more mature audiences, who could see if the boys were stressed or tired and understood.

"alright." vik glanced at the pixilated lachlan. it wasn't a total lie. he wasn't saying he was good but he wasn't saying he felt like utter crap either. simply stating he felt fifty, fifty was not a lie. just an understatement. "you can join now. it's ready." lachlan nodded and joined the server, to be greeted by vik's character.

"do you wanna do the intro?" vik nodded, accepting the offer. it helped him get into his mindset where no one would really notice the fact that he could go on holiday for a month and not miss or feel guilty about not uploading to his numerous channels.

"hey guys it's me, vik star one two three, and today i am joined by lachlan for another find the button map!" hopefully one of these buttons could help vik.

because damn right did he need some help.

written; 11.02.16
published; 15.03.16
edited;