It felt so warm there, I had to brace myself for the harsh chill of reality. My lungs were overwhelmed by the steam, but I felt so safe hidden by the mild puffs of air.
I was so reluctant to leave that even after I turned off the shower I just stood there for a few minutes, letting the warm beads of water trickle down my skin. It's quite a nice surprise to feel something send shivers down your spine when at the same time you feel nothing at all.
This is how most of my mornings go now, I slowly and hesitantly prepare myself to put on that fake face that I know people like. It's been getting harder and harder to convince myself that it's worth it, though. Sometimes I wonder what their reaction would be if they saw me like this... but I quickly snap out of that dream. I know I wouldn't be able to do it. My friends are so great, if I told them that the majority of my smiles started out as fake it would hurt them. They would say they're sorry for me, but it wouldn't fix anything. They'd just start treating me differently, and then it might be even harder for me to really smile.
My happiness isn't always faked though, I just need a platform to work off of. If I can muster the energy to act as if I have a positive outlook, then my friends' moods are typically lifted as well, and that helps me continue to be "happy." That's what this really is, I guess. Acting. I enter this character where nothing that happens outside of the moment is real. It's getting to be so far from the real me that I feel like it should have a different name. I guess I'll call that character I play Lily, because that's what the world knows me as. I've never really felt a connection to that name anyways, I just let people call me it because people tend to sound angry when saying Lilith. But that's the real me, Lilith. I struggle to draw the line sometimes, but it's very prominently there. Hopefully this writing shit will help me sort it out. It better, or else I just wasted a whole lot of time. And ink.
~
It happened again, as soon as I had to talk to someone I switched into that fucking character. It's become second nature to me or something. I can't control it. It's like I don't know how to be the me that I am when I'm alone when other people are around. Uhg.
I guess I could see how writing this stuff out could help, it's like lifting a weight off my shoulders without anyone else having to hear about it. My family keeps saying I should just talk to someone about it all but, I don't think they understand everything that goes along with that. I could write an essay about the trust that I lack and the fear of judgment from those I care about that keep me from saying something something.
Do something interesting I've learned from "Lily" though, which is to take joy in the little things in life. The things that bring me the tiniest of smiles help me through situations, whether I'm Lily or Lilith at the time. It's nice to have some consistency for once.
