The Lost Soul

Chapter 5: The Letter

It was 5:56 am, why was I even awake so early? It doesn't matter, I just want to leave. Jayden's arms are so warm and he's peacefully asleep, I don't want to leave him, but I need to go. Where's Halina? Stop it Summer, go home already. What's wrong with me, why am I so shaky? I can't handle this, I need to leave right now. I should've just went home last night. Okay Summer, you can do this, you just need to move Jayden's arms. 

***

I'm finally home. It's 6:13 am, why did it take me so long to get home? I just need to isolate myself. I don't even know what today is, is it Sunday? No, today's Saturday. Why do I feel like something important is today? Oh my god, it's the dance. I can't go, but I can't let Jayden down. I don't know what to do. Maybe if I just lock my door and ignore everyone, they won't think I'm here. I thought I was getting better, but I'm wrong. I'm lying to myself. The only thing that's getting better is this play I'm performing for the world. I am not happy, I need to stop lying and saying that I am. All I'm doing is isolating myself from reality and it's killing me. I am going to be the death of me. 

My depression is getting bad again and I don't think I can handle it, not anymore. My memory is gone, I'm always tired, I have no motivation, and I just want to disappear. Living a life like this, isn't living. I'm simply waiting for death. Or I guess, waiting for the right time, and more courage. I just wish this was over. I'm done waking up in the middle of the night and overthinking everything because of my anxiety. I'm done not being able to go in public and act like I'm okay- I'm not. Then there's these voices in my head and the people around me. It's terrifying. I may see someone and want to talk to them, but I'm never sure if they're real or not. Or having this little voice in your head overpower your thoughts and actions. I know for a fact I am not normal. If people knew the real me then nobody would come near me. All I am is a pretty face and that's all I'll ever be. 

***

It's 1:46 pm and I've had 3 people knock at my door, 7 missed calls, 24 texts, and even 1 letter slid underneath my door. Why can't they just leave me alone? Do they not get the hint? Obviously not because I hear another knock at me door.

"Oh my god, just leave me alone. Can't you tell that I'm ignoring you? You've called me 4 times already and left me 20 texts, don't forget about that letter." 

"Summer, it's because I love you, and I'm worried about you." 

"I don't care Jayden, I want to be left alone," I say almost crying.

"I refuse to leave you alone, not today. You're my world and I need you. I need my girlfriend. I miss you."

There's no point in responding to him, he's not going to leave. I get up to open the door and soon enough I'm embraced in a hug. I should've known better, but I hug him back then walk over to my bed.

"Close and lock the door please." He did as I asked then came and sat next to me. 

"Jayden I just want to be alone." Tears are rolling down my face, so I roll over onto my side hoping Jay won't see them. 

"But love, I don't want you to be alone. I'm scared of what'll happen. Isolation never did anyone any good. I love you too much to see you hurt your beautiful self."

But of course, it was too late for that. A lot can happen in a few hours. I'm debating whether to tell him, but I'm scared. I have to do this though, he needs to know. It's now or never.

"J-Jayden," I looked at him the tears flowing faster than before, "I-I'm r-really s-s-sorry and please don't hate me.." I can't do this, I can barely see. 

"Hey, shh, it's okay. I'm not going to hate you, just let me see."

How did he know? That doesn't matter right now, I put my arms out in front of him. I was wearing a hoodie, so for him to see he'd have to pull the sleeves up.  And that's just what he did.

Silence. He didn't speak, just stared at the cuts and bruises in despair. I had messed up, I knew it. 

He then did something that made me jump, he kissed them. Slowly and carefully, he kissed each and every cut. I flinched if too much pressure was applied to the bruises, but he tried to be gentle. Should I tell him about my legs? No, I can't. He'll think I'm pathetic. I can't do this to him, but he deserves to know.

I got up and pulled down the sweats I was wearing, I had spandex on underneath so it wasn't weird, then I turned around.

Once again, he was speechless.

The tears started to fall again, "Jayden, I know-," but I was cut off before he let me finish. 

"You're beautiful Cherry. You're gorgeous and stunning. You're my perfect angel. No matter how bruised or cut up you are, you're as beautiful as ever. I love you so much."
He came over and picked me up, carried me to my bed, and just lied there holding me. 

I love him. I'm going to break his heart one day, but I know that he'll be okay. He has to be. 

***

I unwrapped myself from his arms and started to get ready for the dance. I found a nice dress and did simple makeup. 

"Jayden wake up, the dance starts in 20 minutes."

He swiftly picked me up, stopped at the front door and said, "I'm taking your daughter to a dance Mr. Evans, she has her phone on her. Have a good night sir," then rushed me over to his house. He quickly got dressed in his tux, did his hair, then we were off. 

***

The dance wasn't anything spectacular and we were on our way home. I told Jayden to drop me off at my house, but he didn't want me hurting myself anymore, so took me back to his house. I didn't mind this one bit. When we got to his house, he carried me to his room, then sat me on his bed. I immediately got up and changed into a pair of his sweats, a t-shirt, and a hoodie. He did the same, minus the hoodie. Before he could put his shirt on I jumped onto him and hugged him, luckily he had fast reflexes so he caught me. I then wrapped my legs around him and nuzzled my head into his chest.

"I love you Jay."

"I love you too Cherry."

It doesn't look like he was wearing a shirt tonight. He carried me around for a bit, put on some music, and eventually when I fell asleep, lied me down in his bed. He tucked me in like a 5 year old and gave me a kiss on the cheek. Jayden didn't sleep after that, but instead played games for awhile. What I didn't know was that he had gone through my phone and saw a letter that was meant to be kept a secret from the world. Nobody was supposed to see that letter, not today.