Just so you know my life

Dad

I've been through shit so Well I don't trust what people say is normalCause my life isn't normalI mean a dads suppose to love their daughter right?Dads shouldn't abuse their daughters and make them feel un wanted But I mean it's fine It's all over now That's what I tell myself  I decided I wasn't putting up with his crap anymore, so I chose to stop taking care of my half brother and move in with my mom I had to make a decision on whether or not I would stay with my dad who I hate and still get to stay with my little brother who I love Or leave my dad and finally be happy and never see my little brother again It's fine I guess
  "I'm hella stupid and don't know anything but what the hell does abuse mean"
  Well putting your children at risk, by constantly drunk driving with them in the car, and throwing a mortar at your own daughter, pinning your oldest son against the wall and choking him, telling your daughter that you feel no love towards her and telling her to go walk in trafic, then talking crap about her in front of her face, choking your daughters stepmom while she was pregnant. Yelling at your children every time they get scared and call there mother. Threatening and constantly trying to brainwash your own children, to make them think that you are not the bad guy, and that their mom is. Don't worry, he never killed anyone But plz don't tell anyone I don't like pity. There's nothing anyone can do about it anyways I've already tried It just sucks cause now I have to live with itNot I can't stand to look in the mirror and see what glares backI can't eat without feeling this severe feeling that my dads gonna yell at me calling me a fatass and telling me how much money my food was. Telling me that I am wasting what my dad works for Now it's like my dad is stored in my head constantly yelling and bullying meAnd I have to live with it It's like I never really escaped Like he's still there finding any way possible for me to feel pain To make it impossible to enjoy myself Every night I wonder about how I'm gonna escape, how I can get rid of him And I never seem to really find a way So every night I wonder if I'm gonna make it to the next night The only reason I don't kill leave, is for the people that I still love and that still love me. But if I am ever gonna be forced to see him again. I'd kill myself first. I'm Sorry. It's so hard. There about my dad. It's where he one day gets super drunk and sneaks into my moms house and he asks everybody where I am, and I'm hiding, and they say that don't know where I am, so he kills  my whole family and he has a gun (the same one pistol he used to shoot at the boat) and eventually he finds me sitting in the floor in my closet. And I'm raising my hands as if to surrender, and then I put them down , after I think "what is there left to live for" so he points his gun at me , but then he kinda puts his gun down, but then I start begging him to kill me,
and u start screaming and crying telling him to kill me. So he points his gun at my face and shoots. Then the nightmare is over. I have them every night. At night I often cry myself to sleep. But that's kinda hard to do when you run out if tears. Now it's almost as if I'm my biggest enemy. Do know how hard it is to think of something happy, when your life is full of sad things. It's not very easy.

"Think of friends
Animals,songs...
Your brother"

Don't say that I can't That makes everything worst. I hate myself because of him. I know that's harsh but still, he made me make a decision nobody should ever make. Now he's just a sad memory that used to be a happy memory.
I
Hate
Me
And
All
The
Terrible
Mistakes
I
Made
And
Now
Regret
I'm one of my biggest enemies. All the music I listen to is angry. I can't think of friends, because they are the only things holding me back back from death. I'm not even my own friend. I can't enjoy happy music because I'm not happy and when it seems like I am it's usually fake. And I hate it when a bunch of people think I'm depressed. That's why I don't cut on my wrists. But I still cut. So don't tell me to be happy, cause I'm not. You can try to help, but it's a trap, I'll just pull you down to my level, make you feel empty and lost inside. And like I said. I don't want your pity. I know I don't have the best life, but I don't want or need attention. Just leave me be. Anything else is a useless trap. And I don't like to hurt people. Because I'm too busy hurting myself. I'm like a puffer fish, the more you interact, the more pain you feel. It's better to just avoid me like everyone else does, and just look at me as something that's there, but you can't get too close to.