3 times castiel died for dean and one time they went together

Love, torment, passion, commitment. Castiel an angel of the lord loves Dean Winchester, a hunter, a human... love is a horrible horrible thing. It will tear you apart, eat you alive. People romanticise it because they see cute couples in public cuddling and kissing, but that is only half the time, the rest of time is soul crushing pain. Try being in love and watching the one you love dying right in front of your eyes and not being able to do anything about it. I hate love because where there is love there is hate and pain, shed loads of pain.

I am Dean Winchester and Castiel loves me.

Ive never been one for journal keeping its always been one of those things my brother did but since Cas came back from purgatory and we had began hunting together again he has noticed some changes in me he says I'm more aggressive, now don't get me wrong surely if you went what i went through and saw what i did you'd change. After spending an eternity sleeping with one eye open and having to kill everything in your sight you'd be a little more aggressive and flighty when you came back topside but, uh whatever. I don't know who to address this to... It all seems too foreign for me to really know what the hell to but uh I'm trying to give it a go for cas' sake.

Cas.... welll what do i say.... first of all. lets get past the whole am i gay thing.. i dont care. The only thing i care about is my brother sammy, looking out for him, bobby, even if he is dead i still care about him, he was the closest thing to a proper father. I mean dad did a good job but he didnt exactly hold it together much and when he got drunk he used to hit me soo no i didnt really care for my dad. but the other person i care about is Cas. Things betweeen me and him are good. We both have an aversion to feelings. Him because he doesnt understand them as an angel but me, well that's because every time i love somone i drag them into this world and they end up getting hurt.

lisa for example, i loved her now she hates me. I got them kidnapped and I hurt Ben... Ben. He is the spit of me we all know it and i do wonder if he is mine but Lisa denies it. i hit Ben by accident sam let me get turned and i fled to lisa because i haddnt seen her for a while and i just felt drawn to her. I dont think i will have kids, not that that's a real problem with Cas. I know Cas loves me and i love him. That man has done everythng he possibly could to save me. He saved me from hell, he picked my soul apart and stitched it back up. He has died three times all for me. Now can you tell me that is just him being a good angel? He rebeled against god. I was there for him too when he drank a liquor store, heehe, not going to lie i did enjoy seeing him all trussed up like that, just wish i could have done that too him... hmm.. ugh, wear were we, oh, yeah! that's it, i hate loving Cas because everybody knows about it. We love each other and that is a weakness. If we ever get captured it always comes down that before Cas it was Sam anyone i love is a weakness. There is no two ways about it... but i must admit in the end i don't care, loving Cas is the most painful thing i have ever done but to be honest it is worth it. I don't know why i love him, i don't know why he loves me. I don't know why everyone has a problem with it but I'm so totally in love with him. I hope to god he never reads this but i tell you what it helps. I really want to just give up hunting and live a normal apple pie life with Cas but i know that's not possible. Sam is the only one that seems to put hunting aside and live a normal life, i think its because he got away at a young age. I didn't i stuck around and fought my way to the top.

This life is hard yanno, i dont really want to go around killing things all the time, because to kill something is to watch something die. This is a life of battle. But it has its perks, im saving the world, i like that, Cas keeps telling me to think about that more often when i get all down and sad and unmotivated i just gotta remember that I'm helping to save the world in my own little way.

well i gotta go now, Sam's back with Cas and they got Pie!!!

bye guys,

Dean. W.