The Choices We Make

The beginning of the nightmare

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

I was happy. It had been a while since I felt that way, but finally I had found happiness. Damien was my one and only. I had been obsessed with him since we met in the seventh grade and had already dated him several times before freshman year, but this was it, I thought. This time we would finally stay together and one day he would marry me.

Damien had started sitting at my table in the cafeteria and had brought some of his friends along with him. They were perverted and they cussed, but I was somehow cooler because of them. They made me a somebody instead of the "nobody Christian" I had been before. I had more friends now because of him, and I liked it. It made me feel like I was important, winning the approval and attention of people who had barely talked to me before.

One night a month or so after we started dating, Damien came over to my house to watch a movie. He sat close to me, but I had to get him to hold my hand because he was too shy and my parents were close by. We watched The Social Network with Justin Timberlake in it. It was a really perverted movie and it cussed a lot, which made me feel pretty uncomfortable. I was getting used to being around that kind of thing, though, from being around Damien and his friends. Slowly but surely I was giving in to every kind of peer pressure.

Two months later Damien finally kissed me. We were watching the movie Kick*** and he told me I should kiss him. "No way" I said, "You're the guy you have to kiss me."

"No you do it. I've never kissed anyone before."

"I've only kissed one other person, like twice."

"So? You do it."

"No."

"Ugh come on!"

"Nope."

This went on for the duration of the movie and we even skipped back some scenes a couple times so he could stay longer, but we didn't end up kissing because neither of us would give in.

When my dad took him home I went with them and sat in the back seat with Damien. I guess he just couldn't take it any longer because he leaned over and kissed me. It was okay, but it wasn't what I had expected. After that we ended up getting comfortable making out with each other and that seemed to be all we did. I couldn't have told you what the movies we watched were about; we never actually watched them.

Since Damien and I started dating in March, it quickly turned to summer and with it came the first big mistakes of our relationship. On the last day of the school year, Damien asked me if we could go to second base, him to me and I don't mean under the shirt. I stupidly told him yes. I was so far gone from God by then.

I didn't even care what the Jesus who died for me had to say about it. I felt a little guilty, but I put it out of my mind.

So we went to the elementary school, hid in a doorway, and participated in the first sexual thing either one of us had ever done. My flesh enjoyed it, but I felt so dirty afterwards. Damien and I went to the pool and met up with some of our friends. I felt so different and I wondered if anyone else could see the change in me. If they could tell I was becoming a completely different person than the one who taped a list of God things on the front of her agenda at the beginning of the school year.

Eventually watching movies together became a time for second base and making out. That's all we seemed to do and Damien wouldn't relent.

"Can we just not do that this time?"

"Oh come in, you know you like it."

"I just don't want to get caught."

"You know we won't," he smiled endearingly; his chocolate brown eyes seemed to see into my soul.

And so I gave in. Again and again, never keeping in mind what the Lord wanted. I had to ignore the Lord because I was afraid of facing Him. Surely he wouldn't take me back now, after all I had done. And even if He would, I knew that I was too ashamed to ask. And to selfish to give up Damien.

I would try to convince Damien that we didn't need to do bad things every time we hung out, but he wouldn't listen. No matter how many times I told him no, he just wouldn't listen.