The Choices We Make

Please Stop

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

"Can we please just not do that this time?"

"What else is there to do?"

"Oh, I don't know, actually watch the movie for once?"

"What's the fun in that?"

"Damien, we're going to church after this."

"So?"

"So I don't think God wants us to be doing that."

"That's never stopped you from wanting to do it before."

"You're the one who always wants to do it, not me."

"Oh bull****. You know you want it just as much as I want to do it to you."

"No I don't."

"Bull****."

I rolled my eyes.

"F*** you." He scooted further away from me on the loveseat.

"Look Damien, I'm sorry."

He stared straight ahead at the tv, his eyes glazed over in anger.

"Please talk to me."

Again he said nothing.

I tried to move his shoulders so that he would face me. Eventually it worked, and he stared at me with those glazed-over eyes, hardly seeing me.

"I'm sorry," I said again.

"I'm sick of your games," he retorted.

"What games?"

"Don't act like you don't f****** know. One minute you want to do stuff and the next minute you don't. Make up your f****** mind."

"If u let you do stuff will it make you happy?"

"H*** yeah."

"Okay fine. We can then."

"Good. I love you."

He didn't ask if I meant it, didn't ask if I was sure. He just leaned over and kissed me, and then once again I sank into darkness. Manipulation was the name of the game, and he was always the winner.

*******************************************

At church I sat with Damien. I was very protective over him and even though he was a jerk to me and I was ashamed of what we did, I didn't want him out of my sight. The truth was, he was a flirt. He would flirt with other girls right in front of me and yell at me if I mentioned anything about it. He would tell me once again how lucky I was to have him and how he could have had any other girl he wanted, but he chose me. You can imagine the wonders that did for my self esteem.

He never told me that I was beautiful. The one and only time he did was during the homecoming dance. Of course, when we were doing things he would call me hot, but that was just a persuasion technique.

It's safe to say that I was totally and completely brainwashed. I wasn't even my own person anymore. Everything I thought of, did, or said had to do with him and pleasing him. My world literally revolved around him. It was like I couldn't even think by myself. Couldn't function.

I remember my dad saying once, "Don't be a married sixteen year-old. You have years ahead of you to be married; don't let your life revolve around one boy."

What he said that day stuck in my head forever. At the time I denied that I was acting as such, but the truth is, that's exactly what I was doing and I knew it. Like I said, the worst lies are the ones we tell ourselves.

Every time I went to church I felt convicted. I know that's not how it's supposed to be. You're supposed to feel safe and welcomed when you step into a church. But I was going there right after committing deliberate sins. I could feel how disappointed God was, but I was still too selfish to give up Damien. People looked at me with various expressions. Some looked at me with sorrow, others judged me and avoided looking me in the eye.

No one understood. I was so alone. I knew that the Bible said that God would take you back no matter what. Like so many others, I didn't feel like that applied to me in my darkest hour. I felt like I was the worst of the worst of sinners. I guess a lot of people feel that way at one point in time. I was just too blind to see the truth.

Wednesday became full of deliberate sinning followed by two hours of youth group at church. Part of me wanted to stop, but that part of me was so dead in comparison to the rest of me that it just couldn't win the fight waging in my soul.

Weakness became the only life I knew.