My story is not an ordinary one. Ever since I was born, hindi ako tanggap ng mama ko. I was a product of rape afterall. Lahat ng hinanakit ay sinisi niya sa akin, ang maaga niyang pagiging ina, even my own existence is a mistake for her. May naikwento saakin ang tita ko na dati daw ilang beses nako muntikang mamatay, it was my mother's plan. Minsan daw hinayaan niya akong gumapang hanggang sa muntikan nakong mahulog sa hagdanan. May instance din daw na pinatulog ako ng lola ko sa kwarto at bigla daw nag overheat ang aircon, it started a fire but my mom neglected me and went to save herself and finally, when our family went to an outing. Outing by the beach, sinundan ko daw ang mama ko to the point na di ko na pala abot at nakita na lang nila akong lumulutang. They tried to revive me but my mom went and tried to choke me instead. After those incidents I went to live with my aunt. Lage kong tinatanong sa sarili ko, "Why can't my mom love me?". Lumaki naman akong busog sa atensyon ng lola ko. She claimed the part of my mom. She saved me from despair. Even if I was given the luxury of having what I want. There was still a longing for a mother's love. An affection greater than odds. One day, I knew that my mom had another family. May kapatid na ako. Everytime I see my brother, my hatred towards my mother grew. Lahat isinisisi ko sa kapatid ko. Dahil sa kanya hindi ako pinaglaban ng mama ko. I always saw him as a competitor for my mom's care and attention. It was always my brother this and that. Then came a time na nag abroad mama ko, she would often call me through skype or video call. Yes, she realized that what she did was wrong. Everytime we talk it was as if anytime iiyak siya. I hide my emotions through cracking jokes. Isang araw magkausap lola ko at mama ko, my mom wanted to talk to me but I was not in the mood. I was so angry that I snapped at her and told her hurtful and inconsiderate words. "Galit ako kaya ayokong makipag usap sayo. Galit na galit ako sayo. Sa lahat ng ginawa mo." "Sana hindi na kita naging ina" "I hate you mom". All the hatred towards my mom that I've always kept was gone. Napakagaan ng pakiramdam ko nuon, yun ang akala ko. After hearing what I had to say, my mom started sobbing. All that Ive heard was "Im sorry" "Im really sorry" "Hindi akong perpektong ina, pinabayaan kita nuon pero wag ka mag alala, mahal pa din kita anak" That moment led to the downpour of tears. Yes I was able to say what I wanted. Yes I was able to hurt my mom. That's what I thought na magiging masaya ako. Ever since then, I haven't talk to my mom even a single word. A few days later, as I enter our house. I saw my grandmother crying. I asked her whats wrong? She answered me with words that made me fell into my knees and shattered my world. My mom was dead. Pinatay siya ng amo niya. Minamaltrato pala siya ng amo niya, tinatago niya lang sa amin. Ni isang beses di ko nasabi sa kanyang mahal na mahal ko siya. It made me realized how much of an idiot I was as her child. You have the right to perform your actions, but you are also entitled to the fruits of the actions. Months after dumating na ang labi ni mama. Nakita ko siya, nahihiya akong lapitan ang kabaong niya. Wala akong karapatan, nilapitan ako ng naging kasamahan niya sa trabaho niya. Iniabot nito ang sulat. Binuksan at binasa ko ito.
Dear Anak,
Kung nababasa mo ito ngayon maaring wala na ako. Anak hindi ka kailanman nawala sa isip ko. Oo aaminin kong naging masama akong ina pero mahal na mahal kita anak. Ayoko lang namang lumaki kang binubully dahil anak kita sa pagkadalaga. Anak tandaan mo lage mahal na mahal ka ni nanay.
My mom was the best mom that I could have. Lumapit ako at umiyak. Gaya ng paglabas ko sa kanyang sinapupunan ay ang pag iyak ko sa paghatid ko sa kanyang huling hantungan.
