Thoughts

1

I'm bored and I feel like shit. I'm sitting in art typing this while everyone else is laughing and being happy, I'm kinda jealous. I talked to my teacher about all the things that have been haunting my mind yesterday, sometimes I look at a rope and have the biggest urge to hang myself and make this worrying stop but I always chicken out. I feel extra useless today becuase I cut and by doing that one thing I disappointed so many people, im sorry. I don't understand why people believe in God how could he let assholes get rich and well off while some kids just want to be accepted and loved, what about rape? What good comes out of it? And tbh church reminds me of a cult, it has aspects of it, worshiping someone most important, only being able to do certain things, etc. If God is real, he's a sick bastard. People always say that my life's find because my parents are together, I wish that were true. I worry constantly, I call myself awful names in my head all day it's been getting worse, I feel unwanted, I'm failing school, I've been in and out of mental hospitals and normal ones for suicide attempts, I long for that feeling of not caring like before, then at least it doesn't hurt this bad. Don't get me wrong either, I have friends I do laugh and smile but i always have those thoughts in the back of my head, it's part of who I am, I'm getting more outgoing....maybe it's getting better or maybe the same....idk anymore, music is my escape but what happens when the songs dont help anymore? Im not saying that I have an unfair life, I'm very privileged. It makes me feel ungrateful when I feel this way, I should he happy, I have everything I need, what's wrong with me....I can't even write right, I jump from topic to topic with no transition, im illiterate. But this is just a diary type thing so ig it doesn't matter. Well art class is almost over, I will write again another time, bye

Destery 3/17/16