You Should've Been |FRERARD|

psa author is hella queer + does not agree w the views voiced in this fic ily

Gerard scanned the crowds of his new school, looking out for someone, not that he knew who. Just someone with a little too much eyeliner for a male or hair a little too short for a female. Someone who knew what it was like. He didn't even realise he did but he always did and it was always to no avail. He knew he was disgusting and sinful and twisted, he knew he was a worthless human for the feelings he had but deep down, he always wished to find another worthless human.

Immediately however, he pushed the feelings out, his stomach knotting as momentary flashbacks to all the times they burned him when he showed his wicked ways infiltrated his thoughts. He hated himself. He was disgusting and gross, should've never been born. He was sick. Broken. He was a homosexual, a tranny, but they had just fixed him.

Suddenly, the bell went. Gerard mentally forced himself into getting his shit together, pulling his sleeves down over his scarred wrists, although careful to make sure it didn't come across too feminine, this was his fresh start, he needed to make a good impression. He wasn't cured yet, not at all, everytime he saw his reflection he winced and everytime someone called him his name he flinched, but no one could know. No one could know he had these vile feelings, he was lucky, he had a second chance, the opportunity to make something of himself and he couldn't let them get in the way.

He had already collected his locker number and schedule so went and queued up outside his class. His stomach was doing somersaults but he tried not to let it show. Only fag's get nervous over silly little things. He wasn't a fag.

Although plagued by anxiety, everyone's stares torturous, he settled in well into his first lesson, blending into the background as much as he could. The class was average, full of moody teenagers. Most of them scared Gerard but he had to be careful, he had to embrace his manly teenage anger, aversion to it showed his sinful femininity.

The day went pretty much without any interesting events, until last lesson, gym. Gerard hid in the changing room toilets while everyone got changed, nowhere near confident enough to partake in gym let alone change with all the boys. He knew sports were vital to his treatment but he couldn't do it and he hated himself for that. He stayed behind the locked door not realising he had been crying until 5 minutes into lesson he quickly wiped away his tears with disgust and stepped into the empty changing room.

As soon as he caught sight of his reflection he flinched away, disgusted, sickened by it.

"Dude" A voice came from the corner of the room. Gerard jumped, he thought he was alone "Dude, I don't know why you're scared of your reflection because you're looking hot as fuck"

Gerard began to feel sick, those words were so... homosexual. Suddenly he realised he should probably respond.

"Th-thank you" he stuttered out, feeling ashamed, looking at the floor like the girl he was.

"You bunking off as well?"

Gerard shrugged, his mind racing. He hadn't planned on bunking but he couldn't see himself going into lesson with all the boys.

"Are you okay?" the guy asked slightly softer. Gerard looked over at him, he was short, in skinny jeans and a hoodie with dark bangs poking out, shaved sides slightly visible. A cocktail of emotions bubbled up inside Gerard as he noted the eyeliner and feminine smirk. Had he found another... sinful human?

"Y-yeah" he replied shakily but the guy didn't seem convinced.

"Wanna come for smoke?" he asked.

Gerard shrugged worried as to what to say.

"You can if you want, just sit with me, I don't bite"

He shrugged again wishing the ground would eat him.