As It Is

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You pressed your spine against the firm wood at your back. The layers of your clothes chased away the chill but your fingers felt numb as you curled them into your palm. A warmth cupped the side of your face, a gentle caress that caused you to nuzzle against it, to breathe deep the dry icy air.

"What is it with you and sleeping all over the place?" Shay's melodic voice was a delight to the ears, pulling you out of your fading sleep. "Why here of all places, lass? Surely there was better?"

You peered up at him, the sun beaming at his back and casting most of his features in shadow as he kneeled down before you. You slid your eyes closed, the sun too bright and the air too cold. You already knew where you were anyway. Last night, you laid down on the quarterdeck beneath the helm's wheel. You knew Shay would return there eventually to steer the ship and at the time it seemed like a logical idea. Now, in the icy mist of morning, you were frozen down to the marrow of your bones.

You eased yourself up off of the ground, sitting groggily before him.

Shay gave a slightly disheartened sigh, the shake of his head despite his grin. "Come on, lass. We'll need to get you warmed up." He rose to his feet and offered you his hand, waiting for you to take it. When you finally placed it in his grasp, Shay eased you up onto your feet with a deep frown. "Your hands are ice, lass. What were you thinking?"

You carefully pulled your hand away from him, pressed it against your chest with mild uncertainty. You were never certain if your actions would cause anger or sorrow. You didn't want to cause either in Shay. You wanted only his approval.

"Back to not talking again, I see." He started towards the stairs, taking them one at a time, always checking over his shoulder to make sure you were at his heels. "Shouldn't have left you alone... Liam should have stayed with you, kept an eye on you. You're like having a child, I swear."

You remembered Liam's words. He said Shay needed a sailor. He needed someone who could help run a ship, who could follow orders and take care of themself. A sailor, not a slave. A wolf, not a dog. So when Shay opened the cabin door and looked over his shoulder, you tried to raise your head a bit higher.

He gave a heavy sigh, the irritation softening considerably. "I didn't mean to lecture you. I'm sure you've heard enough lecturing to last your lifetime."

You gave a slow nod of your head, your eyes resting on his mouth. "I will... take better care of myself."

The corner of his mouth lifted into a pleased smirk. "First you'll need to get those fingers of yours warmed up. Go on. I'll be on deck if you need me."

You hesitated, suddenly regretting the loss of his company. You wish you hadn't spoken up. You wish you'd kept quiet and allowed him to help you a little longer. But Liam had been right. Shay needed a sailor and none of his men were doted on so childishly. None of them slept out in the cold winter night nearly catching a cold.

You walked past him into the dim light of the cabin, feigning confidence as best you could. A wolf, you kept reminding yourself. Wolves don't cower. But the moment the door slid shut behind you, your back stiffened and your breath stilled. You couldn't afford to be weak. You knew that once long ago you were stronger but... those memories felt distant and clouded by more painful memories.

Shay wanted you warmed up before you returned to deck so you snatched up a pair of gloves. You slipped them on before gathering the blankets from the bed. You wrapped yourself in them and pressed your nose against the subtle scents of leather, sweat, and tar. They were the scents of a sailor, of a man who worked hard and kept his crew in line.

When you couldn't wait a moment longer, you tossed aside the blankets and trudged through the cabin. You stepped outside into the bright light of day and climbed the stairs as patiently as you could. Shay was standing tall, muttering his ideas to Liam who looked more amused than displeased. They both caught sight of you and it took everything in you not to flinch.