One Thousand Paper Cranes

Chapter 35

I see him everywhere. In my dreams, walking around my neighborhood. But he's never really there, I know that. I'm trying to accept that. It's just so hard.

His death has left me hollow, only sadness and grief left in me. I cry myself to sleep most nights, with squares of unfolded paper around me, cranes still yet to be made. I would finish them. I would reach one thousand, because I had a wish, the biggest one of all, and it needed to be made.

"Samuel, can I talk to you?" I closed my eyes in frustration and shook my head, getting up anyway. I could feel the sting of tears, familiar to me now just like the sadness.

I didn't speak as I trudged down the steps, or when I took my place on the loveseat across from her. My mother had been touchy around me. She hadn't mentioned anything of Eliam's death, or the state it had left me in. I knew she thought that I must want to be alone, but that was very far from the truth. I was drowning, longing for someone to reach down and pull me out of the water. She was oblivious to this fact and I didn't blame her.

"Do you want to stay at West Grove?" She asked, folding her hands onto her lap carefully. I blinked slowly and shook my head, not trusting myself to speak. "Okay. I won't make you stay."

I raised my head to meet her eyes with my own. She was bluffing. She had to be. She reached out her hand, how small and frail it really was, and laid it down on my knee. Her eyes, mirroring my own, were shiny with fresh tears.

"I can't begin to understand what you're going through. I lost your father, but I knew he was dying, and I know now that it was selfish to keep that from you. You've had to deal with it again and I wasn't even-" Her tears overtake her and her hand falls off my knee, hanging limp as her other one covers her eyes. "I wasn't even there..." She sniffs loudly I stand up, taking slow steps. I wrap my arms around her, finally learning what it is to be a son. It is not waiting for this woman to love me, when for all my life she hasn't. It's loving her, even when I know she doesn't deserve it. She's trying and that will have to be enough for now, because now I have nothing but her.

***

Roman is next to me as I finish the last of the cranes. He is next to me as I drop it into the jar next to my nightstand back at Doverhall. He is there when the tears and the hurt becomes too much and I cripple against him.

"Make the wish, Sam." He whispers, his hand latched onto my waist. As much as I need him, he needs me as well.

"I wish-" I breathe in, straightening myself up. "I wish for him. I wish for Eliam."

And as the words leave my mouth I know I've spent my wish on something that will never come to be. Something that will never be given back to me. And I smile because I've finally finished. I reached my goal of a thousand. I can stop.

"Are you ready?" He asks from behind me. I cradle the jar in my arms and nod, not taking my arms off the colorful bits of paper arranged into promises, broken promises. I stand from my bed and straighten my tie. Roman claps a hand to my shoulder and leaves so many things unsaid, but I am grateful for the silence. It gives me time to prepare.

We walk side by side out of my dorm, meeting Greg at the landing to the lobby. He takes Ro's hands and the three of us take the stairs down and out of the dormitories. Everything outside seems to scream of Eliam's absence. The trees wilt in on their branches, the wind not strong enough to move them. The sky is a depressing gray and the few people standing around for his funeral aren't talking. I hadn't realized what a huge hole he had left in everyone. Not just me.

I spot Jenny near the fountain in the very center of the campus. She's not crying, just staring down at her shoes. I can feel her sadness even from this far away. It radiates off of her.

"I'm going to go talk to Jenny." I tell them as I walk away. My steps against the pavement are one of the only noises I can hear. Everything else is muffled.

"Hello, Sam." She greets me as I stand next to her. I smile and look up at the arching structure coming out of the center of the fountain. It's an angel, it's wings creating a shadow for everything within a three foot radius. The Angels wings are open, ready to greet someone if they come.

"Hi, Jenny." I don't know what else to say. How do you express yourself to your dead boyfriend's mom?

Luckily, she did most of the talking. "It's disgusting outside." She stated. There was no emotion in her voice, like she could only say the obvious.

"When Eliam," she laughed, shaking her head slightly. "When Eliam told me about you I was afraid. Did you know that? Did I ever tell you that?" She looks at me, her eyes questioning.

"No." I answer.

"Well, I was. Eliam is-was very breakable. He's always been that way. It's what I loved most about him. He was breakable so he made sure that no one could break him. He was kind to everyone, loved everyone. When Taylor came around he kept it pretty secret from all of us. I knew taylor was trouble. Mothers intuition I suppose. And I was right and..." She wiped under her eye and continued.

"And you came along. You changed him, Sam. You made him see how strong he could be. I just want to thank you. For loving him." She doesn't wipe away her tears now. Her lips thin and she grips my arm before turning away and walking over to Emma, Rachel and her husband.

***

Eliam's casket was taken to the cemetery, the very one my father was buried in, my one thousand paper cranes tucked safely next to him. They belonged to Eliam now.

"I think it's going to rain today." I heard Roman say from the front seat of the car. His eyes gazing out the window of the sleek black car. It pulled slowly out of the cemetery, leaving Eliam behind.

"Maybe." Greg's soft voice seeped throughout the car. I let my head fall into my hands. I didn't cry, not this time. I felt all dried up.

Roman turned on the radio, I guess trying to get his mind off things. A familiar tune echoed out. Filling up the car.

"I don't believe in an interventionist God..." I listened to the words. Letting myself go.

Into my Arms...

A/N: You've reached the end. Though I might have an epilogue if you guys want it. I'm crying rn. All of you who have commented and voted and read this story make me unbelievably happy.

This book is for you. Whether you're a boy or a girl or anything in between, this book IS FOR YOU.