And We Were Us.....

Prologue

"Beth, I seriously don't understand why this is such a big deal for you," I said, parking in my town general store's parking lot. I killed the engine and reached under the seat of Carter's old farm truck to find my scarf that had disappeared underneath
"Tessa," my best friend said, her tone worried. "It's been two months. Two months! Plural. I'm worried that if you don't go to the spring formal you'll never fully recover from Carter's suicide. I'm not saying you have to go to the dance, but at least think about it?"
I sighed, "Okay."
   Lie. I refused to think about that stupid dance.
"Great! Well, I'm about to head into work," Beth said, and I heard her car door open and close on the other end of the line. "I love you, Tess. Talk to you later."
"I know," I said, but the line had already gone dead. Letting out an exasperated sigh, I gave up on my search for my scarf. After grabbing my purse, I pulled my Berkley hat on my head and threw on my matching Berkley crew neck, and opened my truck door. The cold February wind and snow blew into my face and nipped at my exposed neck. I shivered and pulled the collar of my hoodie over my neck, then I shut my car door and walked quickly to the front of the general store. I paused at the door for a second, checking to make sure the store was somewhat abandoned, I just couldn't deal with the hushed whispers after the day I'd had. After a minute of inspecting, I opened the door and a gust of warm air hit my face. I stomped off my snow boots, leaving any excess slush and road salt on the black rug.
Ninette, my favorite cashier, was staring into space and looked as if she had just seen a ghost and I smiled at her, but she continued to stare at nothing.
"Weird," I said to myself, and headed to the refrigerator aisle to grab myself an iced coffee and a jar of pickles. As I rounded the corner, I saw a familiar figure in my peripherals, and did a double take. My mouth dropped open with shock and my whole body froze. And as if feeling my presence, he turned and caught me staring at him with an expression of absolute shock. His hazel eyes went wide when he fully recognized me, and we just stood there staring at eachother for what seemed like forever. Was it real? Or was it some sort of sick joke? It couldn't really be him, because we buried him over two months ago. I stood stock still, torn between running away or hugging the boy that stood only a few feet infront of me. The boy I thought I lost forever.
But he wasn't really a boy anymore. No, he was almost a man now, with a stubbly, square chin, and a baseball cap on his head that somewhat covered the unruly curly hair escaping the sides of it, but the pain he caused a few months earlier still hurt me. His mouth opened as if to say something, but the anger that rose inside me all of a sudden took over, and my whole body decided I needed to leave before things got out of control like the rest of my life.
"It's you," I said, my stomach twisting into an angry knot and my vision clouding with a thick dark red fog. "You're supposed to be dead!"
"Tess," he whispered, and I noticed it had a slight European accent to it. Normally his whisper would have stopped me from doing anything irrational, but it was too late. I turned and ran to the store doors, not even bothering to get my coffee or anything I had came for. My only instinct was to get away, far away, from him and everything that he caused while he was dead. I started my truck as he walked out the door, and I backed out as fast as I could. The pain on his face was clear, but I couldn't have cared less. It was as if he forgot that he was supposed to be six feet underground and lifeless.
***
I met Dustin and Carter when I was very little. We became inseparable and over the years we rode horses and performed little ballets in their parents livingroom. I loved them more than anything in this world. But growing up meant different things to all of us. For me it meant becoming a great dancer. For Dustin it meant becoming a bull riding world champion. And for Carter it meant becoming the best dance partner he could be, and taking over the Johnsons' family ranch. We all believed we would become something different someday. But someday didn't happen for some of us.
The last time we were all together, it was the summer before mine and Carter's ninth grade year and Dustin's tenth grade year. We had just come in from riding horses and we were doing chores. I was feeding the rabbits when I overheard an altercation happening. Both boys were yelling something about a girl, and how much they both loved her more.
I should have caught on right then, but I was naive.
"Is everything okay out here?" I asked, and both boys' heads snapped towards me.
"It's fine," they both said simultaneously.
"Okay," I said and went back to the rabbits.
An hour later, the chores were done and we were just about to watch a movie. Dustin suggested I pick out what we watched, and I agreed. I sat down in front of the entertainment center in their house and started rifling through the movies. Carter sat down next to me, and helped me look through them. Every once in awhile, Carter would put his hand on my back or try to hold my hand, but after earning a confused look from me and a very angry look from his brother Dustin finally pulled Carter up by his collar.
"You, me, bedroom. Now." Dustin said, letting go of Carter's collar and storming into their shared bedroom. Carter rolled his eyes and followed his brother into the room leaving me all alone in the family room wondering why Dustin was being so moody lately,and why Carter seemed so... Touchy. But after a minute of wondering, I let it go and found the movie I was looking for.
The boys were in their bedroom for a while, so I counted my toes (A habit I picked up when I was younger and grew impatient), until the argument escalated and their yelling startled me and I lost count. I scowled and looked up just as Dustin grabbed his BB gun and stormed out the door. Carter came out behind him and his face was bright red with anger.
"What the hell just happened?" I asked, and Carter sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose.
"It's complicated, Tessa," Carter said, sitting down in the recliner.
"Then uncomplicate it," I said slowly.
"I can't," Carter said. "I wish I could, Tessa, but I can't."
"I don't think your jaw is broken," I said, smiling at him. Carter looked at me and scowled.
"I'm serious, Tess," Carter yelled. "I can't tell you, okay?"
I scowled, "So I suppose Dustin can't either?"
"He might be able to," Carter said, shortly. "If you can find him."
"What the hell is your problem?" I said, frustrated that he was yelling at me for no apparent reason.
"Everything." Carter said, glaring at me. "Especially you and my brother."
I looked at Carter, shocked. Carter looked at me apologetically, and tried to say something, but I held up my hand. I walked to the entryway and I grabbed my boots, "I have a few ideas as to where he may be. You can come find me when your attitude changes."
And with that, I walked out the door to find Dustin.
Twenty minutes later, I found Dustin by the old fort that he, Carter and I all built when we were younger. Some would have called it intuition, but I called it following his behavioral patterns... And the trail of peanut shells that must have fallen from his pocket.
I cleared my throat as he aimed for a bird, and pulled the trigger on his BB gun. A dark crow fell from the tree with a soft thud and thrashed in agony on the ground. My stomach lurched as the bleeding crow squirmed this way and that before Dustin finally ended its suffering.
"Great shot," I said through the bile rising in my throat. Dustin grunted in response and picked up his bird, adding it to the pile of the other crows. I cleared my throat, "What happened in there?"
"Nothing," Dustin grumbled, picking up his pile of birds by the feet. "I have to go clean these."
I grabbed Dustin's arm before he could walk away from me. "Are you mad at me? If so, what for?"
"I'm not mad at you," Dustin said sharply. "I'm mad at Carter."
"So why are you taking it out on me?" I asked, letting go of his arm.
"It's complicated," Dustin said, trying to move past me again.
"Then uncomplicate it." I said, stepping in his way. Dustin looked at me warningly.
"Tessa," Dustin said, grabbing my arm gently, but assertively. "We both love you."
I cocked an eyebrow, "Who's 'we'?"
"Carter and me," Dustin said, scowling. "But ten to one you'll pick him so the odds are against me anyway."
"Where the hell did that come from?" I asked, indignantly.
"Do you love Carter?" Dustin asked.
"Of course I do. I love you, too, Dustin," I said, not quite understanding what he was asking.
"No, Tess," Dustin said, shaking his head. "Not as friends."
I looked at Dustin, my emotions swirling. Did he know I had fallen in love with him? Did was that why Carter was so angry? Did he tell him? I could hardly breathe, let alone speak. But somehow I managed to say, "I see..."
Dustin's gaze cut to me for a second, but then he looked at the ground. "You don't feel the same about me, do you?"
"Did I say that?" I asked, reaching for Dustin's hand. Dustin pulled his hand away from my reach and looked at me.
"Tess," Dustin said, looking at me seriously. "Are you sure I'm what you want? I'm not dependable, I'm dangerous, and I'm irresponsible."
"And if that's who you are, then yes," I said, smiling at him.
"Tess, I can't do that to you," Dustin said his face getting red.
"And why not?" I said, trying hard to understand through my frustration.
"Because I love you way too much," Dustin said, pushing past me.
"But isn't that what love is? Taking a risk?" I said.
He stopped just next to me and leaned in close to my ear. "And we both know that the choice is inevitable. You will always pick Carter over me."
My face animated at the implication, "Oh, that is crossing the line, Dustin!"
"Is it, Tessa?" Dustin said, walking away. I turned around and followed him.
"Yes, Dustin," I said, stepping in front of him and blocking his way. "Why would you even imply that?"
Dustin rolled his eyes, "Come on, Tess. You baby him just like everyone else!"
"I do not!" I said.
"Oh, but you do! Everyone walks on eggshells around Carter," Dustin yelled. "He does not need you to baby him, too!"
"I don't baby him," I said, poking Dustin in the chest. "He's my bestfriend and I protect him. Just like I protect you."
"I don't need anyone to protect me," Dustin said, scowling at me. "And I don't need you."
Dustin's words stabbed me like a knife, and I felt my heart rip in two. My eyes stung with tears, and I felt like I had the air knocked out of me. Dustin's face went pale, but the damage was done. I turned and ran towards the barn, leaving Dustin in the woods yelling after me.
***
I sat in the barn's hayloft until dark crying, and by the time Dustin found me again. By that time, my crying had subsided to a soft sniffle. The wood steps to the ladder of the hay loft creaked, and I looked up to see Dustin climbing onto the hayloft. I looked away from him and he sighed.
"Can I join you?" Dustin asked.
"Unwanted company is worse than no company at all," I said, glaring at Dustin.
"Tessa, you're not unwanted company," Dustin said, giving me his small reassuring smile.
"I didn't mean me," I said, with a small sarcastic laugh. "I meant you."
"Tess, please-..."
"No, don't. It's my turn to talk." I said, making Dustin fall silent. "I have fallen in love with you. I have sat here silently while you bounced from girl to girl, and wished that you would look at me the way I look at you. I waited patiently and I fell more and more in love with you, and now you are telling me you don't need me? Well you know what? I really don't need you either, Dustin, but I choose to be around you. I make the choice to be around you. I don't need you, and frankly, I don't even know if I want you around anymore."
Dustin looked at me his face growing paler with every word. Dustin walked over to me and reached for my hand, but I pulled it away from him. He looked at me the pain clear in his pale blue eyes.
"I love you, Tess," Dustin said, and I glare at him.
"No. No, you don't love me, Dustin." I said, scowling. But through my hard exterior, my heart was melting. "You couldn't possibly love me, because you're a user."
"A user?" Dustin asked taking a step closer to me. I stepped back, and hit a wall of straw bales. "Is that a thing?"
"It doesn't matter," I said slowly. "It's what you are, and this-" I gesture between us"- is playing with fire. We both will end up burned at some point, because people who play with fire let it grow uncontrollably, before they realize that it's too late to extinguish it."
"It's a risk," Dustin said softly. "And a beautiful girl once told me that love is a risk."
My heart lurched, and a swarm of butterflies tried to escape my stomach. Dustin looked at me, the hope in his eyes was eminent, and for a split second I swear I saw a side of Dustin that no one else ever had. He touched my cheek with his calloused hand, and I softened a little. I became vulnerable, just for a second. And in the moments before I lost everything, I had gained everything I had ever wanted. Dustin slowly leaned in, and put his lips on mine, and if I could have I would have stayed like that forever.