What We Once Were | ✔

1 | August

It was thundering roars as rain poured on the small crowd below, gathered around a wooden box only the dead can sleep in. As they held tissues to their noses, thoughts of why ran through their heads. Why did have to happen? Why now? Why him? I gripped my hands around the umbrella I held, oblivious to the cold, the rain, and the broken heart in my chest. I looked to my mother, her pretty pale face was stained red with anger and grief. Everyone was thinking the same thing as our Pastor read the Bible, bidding him farewell. A hand slipped into mine curling their fingers through mine, I wanted to cry but I couldn't feel anything. Joseph stroked my hand with his thumb letting me know he was still here.

"Let us not be angered he is gone," Pastor finished gently closing his Bible, "but be happy he is in the hands of God."

I looked down at the wooden box Dad lay in, like he was sleeping, I waited for him to wake up and hug Mom and tell us he loved us but he didn't; he was gone and I couldn't bring him back.

"Let us pray," He spoke bowing his head. "Dear Lord, we thank you for the life of Harold Mason, he-"

I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to pray sincerely but I couldn't feel it. Why can't I feel? I bit my lip holding back the scream wedged in my throat, I want to feel; anything.

"Amen."

The casket went down, slowly as we all stared at the box going into the earth. The grip on my hand grew tighter, the rain grew harder around us. It was over, his funeral, it was all over. People slowly began walking away, all of them were in no hurry. My hand dropped the umbrella, rain drops slid down my face in a blind hurry. I stood over the hole, looking down at my dad in the box. Joseph stood next to me, both of is stood in the pouring rain holding each other.

"Take care of him, God." He whispered, his slim hand dropped a single red rose down into hole as his last goodbye.

I didn't speak as I stood watching, I didn't speak as Joseph pulled me away, I couldn't find the words. I just walked away from my father to the car where mom was crying, where Dad should've been, where he'll never be again.

°°°

Joseph stared at the cup of warm coffee in his hands, for the last hour my mom, Joseph, and I sat quietly around the dinner table. We still wore back like we were still at the funeral, in a way, I knew we were. My heart seemed to be the only sound I heard, it was so quiet as the seconds ticked by, speak, someone, please speak.

Mom cleared her throat standing, she grabbed Joseph's cup dumping it in the sink.

"Go change..." Mom's voice was ragged, "I'll make us something to eat."

Joseph and I didn't move, I didn't want to, I bit my lip squeezing my eyes shut. Please God, let me go back.

"Come on, August..." Joseph whispered, I glanced at mom, her back still stood to us.

Tugging at me arm, hand in hand, Joseph and I quietly walked up stairs to our rooms in our large apartment. Dad....I gripped my chest with my free hand, he had bought it for mom has a forever home because he loved New York so much but now.....it felt like a body without a heart. We stopped at our rooms looking at one another.

"Its gonna be fine..." Joseph whispered, his bottom lip trembled.

I closed my eyes squeezing his hand, "will it, Joseph?"

I pulled away from his hand stepping into my room, closing the gently I fell down to my knees biting my lip.

"It's not going to be okay.....it's not....not without him!" I pressed my forehead to the floor, why did Dad have to die now? Why?!

I couldn't feel any pain or sorrow although my brain knew it was there, it was so new to me I couldn't get the right feeling. My legs staggered as I stood myself up, heh, even my body wasn't right. I pulled the pins from my hair letting my chocolate brown hair fall. I can't think right, I can't imagine what it will be like in the next week or month, will we ever move on? Past all the memories so we don't cry everyday?

I just want Dad back, I wanted him to see Joseph and I graduate Highschool next year. See us get married, have kids, get old. I gritted my teeth tripping into the bathroom, I wanted him to us do all those things but now, I can't even tell him that. I looked in the mirror at myself, my brown eyes looked back filled pain I never knew I could feel.

"Heh...look at you." I whispered to myself, "look how awful you are."

I turned the faucet on splashing cold water in my face, it dripped my from eyes like they were tears. This counts as crying, I'm crying, I looked up, I'm crying. My lips stretched into a smile that wasn't from joy, happiness, but a smile that was trying so hard to avoid the truth. Happiness wasn't going to be something I would have for a long time.

My elbows shook, I seriously...I can't...my breath caught in my throat, I can't handle this. I can't, the silence, the rain, I can't handle this.

Falling to my knees, I screamed out everything that I had in my throat, everything that I couldn't say.

"Why?!" I screamed, it rang into my ears, "WHY?!"

My fist hit the floor, again and again, I pounded the floor like it would solve anything. I couldn't breath, I couldn't understand anything....

"August!" Joseph's voice came from the door, his fist hit it open to me on the floor.

His arms pulled me from floor as he held Mr, shaking, in his arms running his figures through my hair. "August, what are you doing?"

I hiccupped into his chest, we both fell to floor, crying because we couldn't hold it in, not anymore. Not ever.

"Well be okay, August." His breath ran down my neck, "we'll be fine."

I squeezed my eyes shut, his arms tightened around my shaking body.

I want to be okay.