You Suddenly Want Me (A One Direction Fanfiction)

Chapter 19

December 3rd, 2012, 7:02am

Dear Jordan,

I remember the exact moment when I realized I was in love with you. I remember the exact thought running through my head, I remember the weather, the date, every single little moment when I said to myself "I'm in love with her." We were seventeen years old when I figured it out. Now, we're twenty, and I finally told you, and you said it back, and I was ecstatic with happiness. The love of my life loved me too. And that, that simple fact was all I needed, and I knew we would work out, we had to.

That was the best day of my life. The day I told you, the day we made love, the day we were so utterly in love with each other we felt infinite, the day we recorded a song, a song to express the infinite love. At that point, everything felt right. Everything felt okay. Everything felt like it was in place, and it would stay that way. I'm not sure if you felt the same, but that feeling of pure joy took over me. I really really hope it was the same for you.

.

I close my eyes, wishing I could be feeling that way again. But sadly, I knew that wasn't possible. Jordan never loved me, and never will. She just felt bad for me. She did that all in pity. She gave me hope, just to crush it through a fucking text message. I can't stay angry at her, though, of course. I can be upset, but I could never stay truly angry at her, right?

.

So, after a while of feeling like we were in infinite love, the doorbell rings. And there you go, with guilt written across your face and 'I'm sorry' spoken through your body language. So, you left. But somehow, that was okay. I still felt like our love was infinite. I know my love for you always will be. I hope you believe me when I say that.

I was wrong about our love though. Later that night, I got a text, and my heart didn't break, it shattered. And I couldn't breathe, or swallow, or do anything except cry. I could recite the text right now, but it makes me too upset, so I will not. But somehow, I was still in love with you.

And I always will be, Jordan. Please do not forget that. I didn't really know how to say this out loud, hence why I wrote it. I love you very, very much. And I can only wish you feel the same, and it was only the complications that made you do what you did. I really hope that. You're the love of my life, Jordan.

So, so much love,

Louis Tomlinson

A tear rolls of my cheek, landing at the bottom of the paper just left of my signature. Fuck this, I think, crumpling up the paper, tossing it into the bin next to my desk. I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. I don't know if I should cry and mourn, or talk to her, or ignore her, or forget. I have no idea what the hell to do in this situation.

I lean back in my chair, throwing my head back and bringing my hands up to my face, an exaggerated exhale escaping my lips. I open my eyes, seeing my messed up comforter, her discarded clothes from before, everything from that night and just cannot handle it, any of it. So, I stand up and rip the bed clean of the sheets and pillows and pick up her clothes, simply setting it all outside of my front door. I can get new bed stuff, and Jordan will be over soon enough and will see her clothes.

So afterwards I walk back into my apartment, a numb feeling entering my body once again. I feel nothing, emptiness, like I'm just another body filling up space, taking in breathes that could be used on someone else more important than my pitiful self. I walk back down the hall into my room with involuntary tears streaming down my face. I walk to my desk, picking up the CD with the track recording from her and me. And, I smash it on the ground, it shattering into small pieces. I step onto it to shatter it further, with only my socks to protect my feet causing a few shards of glass to poke my feet.