Secretly In Love {girlxgirl} *HIATUS*

Chapter One

Chapter One

Hot burning tears run down my face, feeling like wild fire against my skin. This feeling to strong and overwhelming for me to handle. My body filled with so many different emotions: sadness, nervousness, fear, hope, love. All while the love of my life sits there with a bitter expression on her face.

"Tell me now. That or I will walk out this door and never look back , Kristy" My best friend for seven years said in her beautiful cold voice. 'You'd leave if I told you' I thought. That doesn't matter because I want her to know the truth, the whole truth. No secrets, and no lies was our motto. The thing is I haven't been following that lately. I looked up from the ground to see her shaking her head, getting ready to get up and leave. So I acted on impost and grabbed her hand and said the words I never knew I would say to her.

"I'm in love with you Mandy. Deeply in love with you" I said softly, breaking eye contact and looking at the floor again. Her soft smooth hand went suddenly limp in mine. Looking up to see her beautiful face I saw different expressions fill her eyes. Confusion, shock, but lastly disgust, anger, and hate. She ripped her hand away from mine like it burned her, and slowly backed away shaking her head back and front like a mad woman.

"Your gay." It wasn't a question, it was a statement. But I felt the need to give an answer, so I closed my eyes as more tears fell and give a small slow nod. Waiting for the horrible rejection to come, and her to walk away from my life and not take a single glance back. She didn't say a word after that and every second stung like a stab to the heart.

I wanted. No needed her to say something but all that was heard was my sharp intakes of breath. Making me feel like I'm on the edge of having one of my famous panic attacks. Please, the word was on the tip on my tongue itching to be said but I couldn't speak due to my hard breathing. Her silence felt like complete torture to my mind and heart. Finally she spoke relieving my of the torture of silence but after hearing her what she said makes me wish she never spoke in the first place.

"I don't love you that way. Nor will I ever, I'm straight and your 'kind' is disgusting and sick. I don't want anything to do with you, so please never call, text, speak, or even think of me. It will make things ten times better for everyone. Hope you and your sinister ways leave me alone. This is goodbye." She snarl, making her Jersey accent recognizable. She picked up her bag and gave me one last cold look and walked away.

As soon as I heard the sound of the front door slamming shut filled my house my breathing quicken. Unhealthy for a person like me, a girl with a panic disorder. I'm used to panic attacks, I've learned how to make it through them. But this one, it was unexpected, too strong, fear rushing through my whole body to quickly to contain. Sweat lines my forehead, my hand start to shake and slowly I lose feeling in them. The thought of death fills my head. What if my heart cant take my rushing blood flow? What if my heart stops all of a sudden? Is this more than a panic attack? So much more swirls around in my head. I just want it to stop, the fear to leave me alone forever. In this moment I felt alone, empty, just fear turning my blood cold.

My veins burning like acid flows within instead of blood. Voices whispering 'this is it' 'its over' over and over again. A final tear slides down my face. "Make it stop" I speak, not hearing myself over the sound of rushing blood in my ears. "Let it end!" I roar, but no one helps me. No ones there, everyone left but here I lay wishing death to take its course.

I take a big intake of breath and I feel trapped under something. Kick at it panicky and open my eyes, I see something blue. I quickly blink my eyes frantically, trying to focus my vision on my surroundings. My room, I'm in my room in my bed with my blanket over me. I take a deep breath and exhale slowly. 'It was just a dream, it didn't happen' I chant in my mind. Relieved that my best friend didn't leave me, she didn't walk out of my life.

A cheeky grin slipped on my face, I rolled over to look at my clock. '6:34' read my alarm clock in green lights on my nightstand. I threw the blankets off of me and set my feet on the floor, filling the soft, plush creme colored carpet under my toes. I walk over to my drawers and open my top one, that's filled with my t-shirts. Pull out a grey v-neck and then open my middle drawer pulling out black skinny jeans. I bend down to my bottom drawer and pull out some underwear and bra.

I grab my iPod and make my way to my bathroom and set my iPod on it's deck. After taking a quick shower and washing my hair I wrap a towel around my body and put my hair in a messy bun and start brushing my teeth, then I washed my face. After throwing on my clothes I walk back to my room and quickly putting on eyeliner and lip balm.

I grabbed two random socks and put them on then found my batman converse under my bed. Picking my black obey beanie I pulled my hair tie out and ran my finger through my hair quickly and grabbed my purple and black checkered book bag and ran downstairs. Rushing to the medicine basket over the refrigerator and took down my tube of pills and took out two.

Gripping the water bottle I left on the counter last night, I threw the pills in my mouth and took a couple of gulps of water down. I snatched my keys off the dining room table and walked outside and quickly locked the door.

Parting my hair in the middle I put my beanie on and looked up only to see my best friend for seven years in her dad's 2007 Ford Explorer. I guess she was too busy dancing in her seat listening to music, that she didn't see me make my way over to my side. I had to pull on the door real hard since it always gets jammed. Amanda was taken by surprised and yelped like an injured bird. I of course found it completely hilarious and a grin slide on my face from the look of fear on her face.

Oh how hard it is to not kiss her to death. This is gonna be another long day.

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--Have a Rainbow Party--