WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN

What Could Have Been: What Does The Future Hold? (Part II)

I sat on the lounging chair at the balcony of our house at Davao. It was a dark gloomy night, the perfect reflection of my mood for the past year. I stared at the dark sky watching the stars twinkle. It reminded me of something. I looked down at my left hand, and I smiled. Those were indeed lovely memories to reminisce once in a while. Hoping that it was just a passing feeling, I broke off all means of communication with Nathan. I deactivated my e-mail and changed my mobile phone number, but the distance and the lack of communication did not help me forget him. It also did not help erase the feelings I have for him.
I was getting bored working in the province and so when an international company based in Vigan offered me a job as a company nurse, I accepted it. Not only was the pay lucrative, but it also provided me with the opportunity to change my environment. At first, my parents were against it, but I managed to convince them.
A week after I signed a contract with the company, I flew to Vigan. Finding a place to live is not a problem because the company provided me with a flat, which will serve as my official residence. Ahhh...Vigan. I can still remember the events that transpired during my two-week stay in this place. I thought.
Living in the same town where he lives will not help. However, the opportunity was too great to pass. I was lost in my thoughts when I felt the plane make a rough landing. I slowly made my way out of the plane to the conveyor belt at the terminal to retrieve my luggage. With my bags in hand, I went to the arrival lounge. To my surprise, I saw Dina waving at me.
“Dina!!! Oh my god, what are you doing here?” I asked and gave her a big hug.
“What else? I am picking you up.” She replied and took some of my bags.
“But I did not tell anyone about this move except my family.”
“Relax Jessica, John told me. He asked me to help you settle down.”
“I should have known.” I said with a smile as I got into Dina’s car.
“When John told me you were moving here for good, I was so happy. Oh..congratulations on the new job by the way.”
“Thanks” I said.
Silence took over. I was starting to feel uneasy. Fighting the urge to ask about Nathan was not easy, but somehow I managed to keep my mouth shut.
“Hey Jessica, mother prepared lunch so we’ll have lunch at our place before I drop you off at your flat.”
“Sure, no problem” I replied with a smile.
At the back of my head, I was praying for Nathan not to be there. A year without a word, I am not ready to face him. Thirty minutes more and we arrived at Dina’s place. It was Holly and Marcus who greeted us. Holly gave me a big hug while Marcus simply shook my hand.
Once we were all seated, lunch was served. I was so happy seeing them, and we spent the rest of the time, sharing stories.
We were halfway through desert when someone came in. I held my breath expecting that it was Nathan. I did not dare look.
“Dina!!!” said the guest. Immediately I knew it was not Nathan. Even after a year of not hearing his voice, I still know it.
“Benjamin, my dear cousin, what a surprise!” Dina responded and the next thing I knew a tall muscular guy was standing beside me. Then I saw Holly got up and gave him a kiss, and Marcus gave him a nod as a greeting.
“This is a surprise!” Holly remarked. “When did you arrive?” She asked.
“I arrived earlier today. I am on a one month vacation.” He replied.
“Oh gees...where are my manners.” Dina interjected. “Benjamin meet Jessica, John’s sister. Jessica, meet Benjamin, my cousin”
“Hi! It is nice meeting you.” I said and extended my hand.
“It is nice meeting you too. Never thought John had a beautiful sister.” He said shaking my hand.
“Thank you...for the flattery.” I said jokingly.
Unlike with Nathan, Benjamin did not unnerve me. He did not make me nervous. In fact, I feel comfortable around him. Ben took a seat beside Dina, and desert time took longer than expected.
“So, are you on vacation too Jessica?” He asked.
“No, I will be working here.” I answered
“Really? What do you do by the way?”
“Oh...just your regular nurse.”
“She is an extreme athlete too, like you.” Dina added.
“A nurse and an athlete....cool. So, where do you work?”
“Oh, at the Blue Cross Ltd.”
“Ahhh, I work there too, only our office is in New York.”
“Are you a nurse there?” I asked.
“No, I am...ahhh...I am the General Manager for Operations.”
“Big time” I remarked with a smirk.
He just smiled. By his demeanor, you will not expect him to be a GM. He is too cool and too laid back for serious work. It took another hour before Dina was able to drop me off at my flat.
I sat on the bed, and it only took me a few seconds before I fell into a deep slumber. When I woke up it was already morning. I checked my mobile phone and there was a message. It was from the company, and it said:
Miss Ramirez
Thank you for flying early. We would like to inform you that work would start next week. We are giving you time to settle in and enjoy your weekend. We are looking forward to working with you.
I breathed a sigh of relief. I spent half of the day doing household work. In the afternoon, I toured around the community. By dinnertime, I was already dead tired. I was ready to call it a day when Dina called me. She told me that she will be picking me up at nine tonight. She said we are going out to party. Although I was tired, I said yes, and before Dina arrives, I got up and got dressed. At exactly nine, Dina came honking at my door. To my surprise, it was Benjamin at the wheel.
“Jessica...hurry....hop in...” Dina shouted.
I got inside the car and a few minutes later, we were already out partying and getting drunk. It did not take long before Ben and I got comfortable with each other. Despite the large amounts of alcohol that we ingested, Ben managed to stay sober. After having our fill of the nightlife, we decided to pass time at the nearby bay area.
We were feeling the breeze when...
“Uhmm...Jessica...I do not mean to pry, but I cannot help but notice your diamond ring. Are you engaged?” He asked.
The question was surprising. I stared at the ring on my finger. It reminded me of the stars that adorn the night sky. I sighed then I remembered Nathan.
“No, no I am not engaged, but this ring is very special.” I said with a smile.
He smiled back as if he knew what I meant. He had a beautiful smile. He had a dimple on his left cheek, and when he smiles, his eyes seem to smile as well. We sat in silence, when we heard someone snore. It was Dina. She was already fast asleep.
“Well, I guess that is our cue. It is now time to go home.” He remarked.
“Obviously” I said.
“Is it okay if I drop Dina first and then that I will take you home?”
“No problem. Dina seriously needs a bed now.” I laughed, and he laughed too.
After dropping Dina, we proceeded to my place. I hurriedly thanked him and walked towards the door. To my surprise:
“Hey Jessica!” He shouted.
“Yes?” I said and turned to face him.
“I...ahh...do you have any plans tomorrow night?” He asked
“Hmm...no, I do not think so. Work starts next week” I said
“Uhh...if it is ok with you..I am inviting you for dinner tomorrow night.”
“Oh...with Dina?”
“No, just you and me.”
“I see...sure”
“So I will pick you up at 8 in the evening?”
“Sure, eight o’clock then. Good night Ben”
“Good night Jess.” I heard him say as I closed the door.
It was three in the morning and my eyes are starting to close. With a last ditch effort, I removed my makeup and got ready for bed.
I woke up to the glaring sun. It was already one in afternoon, and I am having a massive headache. I took some aspirin, set my alarm to 6:30 in evening, and went back to sleep.
The incessant ringing of my alarm clock brought me back to reality. I twisted, turned, and stretched. With an absent mind, I took a shower. The cold water rushing through my body woke me up completely. After bathing, I took out a dinner dress, readied myself, and waited for Benjamin.
At exactly eight in the evening, he came and opened the car door for me. We went to this restaurant by the beach. The interior was covered with black and white with a huge chandelier hanging from the ceiling. We made our way to our table. It was on the patio overlooking the beach. After placing our orders, Benjamin excused himself.
“I spotted my cousin sitting at a table close to the glass window when we came in. He does not know that I am here. I am going to say hi. I will be back in a few. Is that okay with you?”
“Sure, no problem” I responded and smiled sweetly.
He turned his back. It did not take long before he came back with his cousin. When I looked up, my jaws literally dropped open and instinctively hid my ring finger.
“Jessica, this is my cousin and my best friend, Nathan” Ben introduced.
Nathan... I thought. He did not move, neither did I and a few seconds later he said:
“Nice to see you again Jessica” He smiled, but I knew he was faking it. I can see questions in his eyes, and I can see anger as well.
“Nice to see you too, Nathan” I replied, faking a smile as well. I saw him scan my hand. I knew he is looking for the ring, but I kept it hidden beneath the napkin.
“Wait a minute, you two know each other?” Ben inquired
“Yes” we replied in unison
“When, where, how?” Benjamin asked, obviously confused.
“We..uh...met during Eli and John’s wedding. Jessica is John’s younger sister.” Nathan explained
“Right...Eli’s wedding. I was not able to come home. By the way Nathan, are you alone?”
“No, I am with a friend.” He replied.
“Ah...you mean a girlfriend.” Ben remarked teasingly.
Nathan did not bother to answer, and his silence hurt. He did not bother to explain. A few minutes later, a woman came. She is tall, slender, and a brunette. She smiled at Nathan before hooking her hand through his arm.
“So, this is your friend” Ben said with a mischievous grin.
“Yes. Marissa, meet Benjamin and Jessica.” Nathan introduced
“Nice meeting you Marissa” Ben remarked, shaking her hand
“Same here” I said and shook her hand as well.
“Well, if it is not too imposing, I would like you two to join us.” Ben invited.
“Sure, that would be very nice” Marissa said
Ben motioned for another table and helped Marissa take her seat beside him. Nathan sat beside me and across Marissa. The food came and dinner commenced. At desert, I noticed Nathan staring at the ring he gave me. I looked at him and did not say anything. It was his turn to see the hurt in my eyes.
Fighting back the tears was never easy. Therefore, I asked to be excused and went to the washroom. There in front of the mirror I fought to regain composure. When I started my way back to our table, I bumped into Nathan. I hurriedly apologized and started walking, but he caught my arm.
“What do you want?” I asked with a shaky voice.
“Explanation” He said curtly
“For what?”
“Everything”
“I do not think I need to explain anything to you.” I said in defiance
“What is this Jessica? First, you disappeared from the face of the earth. Second, you deactivated your email then you changed your mobile phone number. Then out of the blue I see you here with the ring still on your finger, and you are with my cousin.”
“There is nothing between me and Benjamin. Apparently, the ring does not mean anything anymore. You never kept your promise. It only proves one thing; you are no different from the rest. You do not know how to wait.”
Without waiting for his response, I walked out on him and went back to the table.
“Are you okay?”Ben asked, concerned.
“Sorry, I am not feeling very well. It could be a hangover.” I replied
“I think it is better if I take you home now.” Ben suggested. Suddenly I felt weak. I simply gave him a nod. When Nathan came, Ben explained our situation and bid his cousin good-bye. We drove in silence. When we got to my flat, I thanked Ben, and went inside without looking back.
It was Saturday night and I intend to spend the whole Sunday resting.
Early Sunday morning, Nathan barged into his parents’ place. Dina, Marcus, and Holly are having breakfast when he came.
“How come I did not know that Jessica is here?” He asked while taking a seat beside Holly.
“Seriously? I thought you knew. You two seem to be very close.” Dina said
“No, I have not talked to her in a year.” Nathan said grimly.
“Oh...that is bad.” Marcus said “What seems to be the problem Nathan?” he asked
As if not hearing his father, he asked instead:
“Is there something between Jessica and Ben? I saw them out on a date last night.”
“What’s wrong with that? They are both single. Are you jealous brother?” Dina teased
“No” He replied as he angrily munched on his French toast
“I can see that you are” Marcus interjected “But isn’t Marissa your girlfriend?”
“No dad. Marissa is not my girlfriend.”
“You sleep with her, and she is not your girlfriend. Then what is she?” Holly asked. Nathan did not answer. “Nathan, if you have no plans of getting serious with Marissa you might as well tell her.” His mother advised.
“I know mother. I am just waiting for the right time.”
“I hope when the right time comes, it is not yet too late.” Dina mused.
“What do you mean?” Nathan asked. Dina did not answer, and she just simply shook her head.
That same day, Ben dropped by. He and Nathan went out for lunch because they have some business to discuss.
I was on my way from the gym when Ben saw me. They were having coffee at Starbucks.
“Jessica!” Ben called out. I turned and saw him waving at me. I smiled and waved back. He motioned me to come and join them. Being gracious, I moved towards them.
“Hi Ben” I greeted and brushed a kiss on his cheek. Knowing that Nathan was looking at us I said
“Hi Nathan” I smiled and brushed a kiss on his cheek as well.
Ben gave me a chair and asked me about my order. I told him brewed coffee is perfect. They were walking about business deals and from time to time, they would include me in their conversation. It was fun talking to them. I lost track of time. When I checked my watch, it was already five in the afternoon, and I decided that it is time to go home.
“Well boys, it was nice listening to you, but I need to go home now. First day of work tomorrow” I bid.
“If that is the case, I’ll take you home then.” Nathan offered “And I am not taking no for answer. Is that OK with you Ben?”
“No problem cousin. Besides, I have another appointment to go to.”
“Then that is settled then.” Nathan said.
“I’ll see you around Nathan” Ben bid and went on his way.
“Shall we?” He asked.
I stood up without saying a word. He walked beside me. Like at the airport where we first met, he helped climb up his SUV. Inside the car, we sat in silence. It was awkward. The silence was eerie. I wanted to say something, but I cannot seem to think of anything to say.
With a sigh, he said: “You never took it off.”
“Yet you assumed I forgot what it stood for.” I said curtly.
“Why didn’t take it off?”
“I do not know.”
“Why did you disappear like that?”
“I was scared Nathan. The feelings I have for you scared me. I thought disappearing will help me forget you, but it did not. Nothing helped.” I replied trying to fight back the tears but failing miserably.
“It is all pointless now. You never kept a single word.”I continued.
I felt him tense, and he started the car. I was too preoccupied to realize that Nathan has no idea where I live. When sanity brought me back to reality, I noticed that we were parked outside his house.
“I do not live here.” I said obviously irritated.
“I know. You did not tell me where you live.” He replied equally irritated as well.
“I live 4 blocks down this road.” I sighed. I did not want him to know where I live. I did not want to be close to him. I did not want to remember what happened a year ago.
He drove down the road, and I told him to stop in front of the house with a black gate. It probably took a moment longer because I ended inviting him inside. Without any hesitation, he agreed. He sat by the couch while I went upstairs to change. When I got back, I dropped the bomb on him.
“Who is Marissa, Nathan?” I asked trying not sound like a jealous girlfriend.
“A friend” was his short reply
“Friends with benefits” I said with full conviction.
Irritated he countered: “What about you and Benjamin?”
“Friends, and if you are going to ask me if I am sleeping with your cousin, the answer is NO. I have known him for a few days and we are just friends. You might have confused me with Marissa. Sorry, I do not sleep around with guy friends. What happened between the two of us was history.” I replied regretting the last word.
I knew it angered him, but he kept it under control. He stood up and closed the distance between us. I held my breath. I never thought I would have this chance to be this close to him again. Like always, he smelled of mint and fresh water. I did not dare look up for I know that our faces are only inches apart.
“Look at me Jessica.” He said. I did not move. “Look at me.” He demanded. I looked up. “Now tell me, tell me that what happened between us is already history.”
I opened my mouth to answer, but I closed it again. If I tell him that it was history, I am not only lying to him, but I am also lying to myself as well. Tears are starting to well, but before a drop could slide down my cheeks, I felt his lips against mine. His kiss was exactly how I remembered it. The longer we stood there kissing, the more it became obvious how much I missed him. He pulled me closer, and the kiss got deeper. He obviously missed me too.
I did not know how or what, but I woke up on the carpeted floor naked and with Nathan beside me. I frantically checked my watch, and breathed a sigh of relief knowing that I have 2 hours before I have to go to work. He must have felt me move because I saw him open his eyes. He smiled and I felt like melting. I turned my back on him hoping to create enough distance between the two of us. Instead, he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me closer.
“Did you know that each day I wake up I pray that I wake up to you staring at me. I pray that I wake up with you beside me.” He whispered
“Is that why you have Marissa? So you have someone to wake up to?” I asked with anger boiling inside.
“I have always been honest with you Jessica, and I am not going to deny that Marissa and I are sleeping together, but that was because I thought you had moved on with your life and threw the ring rather than sending it back to me.”He explained.
I wanted to get angry with him, but I cannot. Part of this was also my fault because I led him to believe that I had moved on. What is happening to me is also my own doing. I sighed, gathered my clothes from last night, and went upstairs to get ready for work. When I reappeared downstairs, he was already dressed. He drove me to work, and before he can do anything I will regret, I got down from the car and went inside.
First day of work was not that bad. I met most of the employees, but I have yet to meet the department heads and the big bosses. I was on my way out when I bumped into Benjamin.
“Hey Ben!” I greeted
“Hey! How was your first day?” He asked
“It was fine” I replied
“Are you going somewhere? Because if not, I would like to invite you for a quick snack at the cafe across the street” He said pointing at the cafe across the road.
Considering that, I forgot to eat lunch, I agreed. At the cafe, both of us ordered two humongous tuna sandwich. Benjamin is a funny guy. He is not just cool and laid back, but he is sweet too. We were having fun talking. We shared some of our most embarrassing moments that made us laugh loudly, probably too loud because the cafe attendant had to remind us to keep our voices down.
We were supposed to go and get his car, but we ended up walking back to my place. The walk took longer than I expected, but we did not mind. We were practically enjoying each other’s company.
“Whew, that was tiring” I remarked catching my breath
“Yeah, took longer too” He added
“Well, I have to go now. I have an early day tomorrow. It was fun talking to you. Thank you. I really appreciate it.”
“No problem.” He smiled that oh-so gorgeous smile of his.
I know this is supposed to be the part where I turn around and move inside the house, but his eyes kept me from doing so. No, it is not the same feeling I have for Nathan. The feeling is different. Then he brushed a kiss on my cheek. The kiss was not passionate. It was simple, but it was also sweet. It is not the same way Nathan kisses me, but still it made me hold my breath. I looked at him and he smiled. I smiled back.
“Good night Jessica” He said before he left.
I watched him drive away. Alone in my bed, I realized how lonely I am. Most of my friends have their own families now, and I am probably the last single woman in the group. I do not understand what is wrong with me, but I am so scared to commit myself to someone. Women are not supposed to be like this. Thousands of thoughts tumbled inside my mind as I twisted and turned until sleep came over me.
For the rest of the week, I worked and worked. Every now and then Benjamin would drop by bringing sweet nothings for me. He also made it his job to take me home after work. I tried to keep everything under the radar, but somehow people started noticing and news about my relationship with Benjamin started flowing through the grapevine. This is the last thing I want, but somehow it went out of my control.
By the weekend, I got an invitation from Dina. It was her birthday, and they are holding a birthday dinner for her. She told me that my attendance is a must. Knowing their family, when they say birthday dinner they actually meant dinner party.
Getting dressed took me longer than I expected. I was having a hard time choosing which dress to wear. Then I ended up wearing a black and red wide legged jumpsuit with the top part resembling a turtle neck, halter blouse. I pulled my hair on a high pony tail, applied makeup, put on a pair of red, almond toe, chunky-heeled pumps, black clutch, and finished the look with chandelier earrings.
My plan was to call a cab company and take the cab to Dina’s place, but before I got to the phone, I heard a car honked outside. I went outside to check who was it and then I saw Benjamin.
“My, aren’t you a sight to behold” He said in admiration.
“Why thank you...such flattery. You, yourself look handsome as well.” I said in reply
“For a woman, you do have this uncanny ability to make my heart skip a beat with your words.”
I knew the words that came out his mouth surprised him, but he kept smiling and said: “Get inside the car. I am taking you to Dina’s party. I am going there too.” He opened the car door, and I got in.
Fate must have played a trick on us because when we got there, we were actually the last guest to arrive. Everybody was looking at us, and I was beginning to feel nervous. Sensing my anxiety, I felt Benjamin hold my hand, entwining his fingers with mine. I looked at him and he smiled.
“They are looking at you because you are beautiful.” He whispered
“Thank you.” I whispered back, and we started walking towards the house.
“Dina!!!” Benjamin shouted at Dina who was talking to some guests.
“Ben! Jessica! I am so glad you made it”
“I wouldn’t miss it. Happy Birthday!” I greeted while giving her a hug.
“So, are you two a couple now?” Dina asked, obviously curious.
“What? Who said that?” I asked in disbelief
“Ohh...I heard it through the grapevine. They say you are spending a lot of time together.” She said.
To make matters worse, Holly came in and added, “Finally, the love birds are here.”
Oh crap...I thought and shook my head in disbelief.
“Oh Jessica, do not be ashamed. It is not a surprise. Benjamin is a real sweet guy, and it would be very hard for a woman not to fall in love with his charms. Plus, you two look good together.” Holly continued.
I felt my cheeks flush, and I knew I am blushing. I looked up to Ben who only smiled and then he gave me a kiss on the forehead. I pinched him on the said, which made him grimace, but still managed to let out a laugh. We went to the dinner table where most of their relatives are gathered. Ben greeted them. Some of them recognized me from Eli and John’s wedding.
“What happened t you and Nathan? We always thought the two of you would end up together.” One aunt inquired.
“We...uh....sort of...drifted apart” I said stammering.
“Aw, that’s too bad. I saw the way Nathan looked at you. He obviously adored you. We never saw him look at any other woman that way again. Even with Marissa, he never looked at her the way he looked at you.” She continued.
I was speechless. I know Benjamin is going to feel bad. I never told him about what happened between Nathan and me. I looked at him and he gave me the “why-didn’t-you-tell-me” look and walked away. I followed him and found him sitting in the Kiosk by the pool at the back of the house.
“I know I have no right to feel this way.” He said “Isn’t it obvious that I am pursuing you Jessica?”
I sighed. There was silence.
“I should have told you, but I cannot seem to find time right time to tell you. I do not even know how to tell you.”
“Is he the reason why you moved here?”
“No Ben, I move because of the work opportunity Blue Cross Ltd. offered me” I explained
He sighed. “Be honest with me Jessica. Why weren’t Nathan and you together?”
“I do not know Ben. The two weeks I spent with Nathan were the best. I have never been that happy, that elated in years. However, the growing emotions started to scare me, and after the wedding, I ran away.”
“What about us Jessica?”
“Oh Ben, there will never be US. What I feel for you is not the kind of love you are expecting from me. You are like a brother to me Ben, like John.”
He looked at me. I saw the hurt in his eyes. I felt guilty, but I cannot get into a relationship with someone whom I treat as a brother.
“I was hoping we had a chance.” He said shaking his head.
“I am sorry Ben, but do not beat yourself up. You are a wonderful guy. I am sure someday you will find the woman who will love you back.”
“Thank you for being honest with me Jessica, but we should not let the night end without enjoying the party. There is no point crying over broken hearts.” He said and smiled.