Inevitable

Tonight

I didn't know what time specifically that Carl would come. I hadn't really checked the time in a while, so I decided to sit on my couch and wait.

It was dark out when I started to doze off. Carl hadn't come yet, and I was beginning to think he wouldn't show up at all. My eyes just shut closed when I heard a knock on the door. It was quiet, but I knew I'd heard it.

I leapt to my feet, rushing to open the door. I didn't want to seem too excited, so I took a few deep breaths before opening it.

"Hey, Ron." Carl stood on the porch, his hands in the pockets of his jeans.

"Hi, Carl." I let him inside, shutting the door behind him. He stood with his back to me, but I could tell he was tense.

"So..." he began, still keeping his back to me. "You said you had an apology to give me?"

"I'll tell you it if you face me."

He sighed but turned around slowly. I smiled when he looked at me.

"I know what I did," I said. "I shot you. I admit it was my fault. I was going to shoot your dad, and I accidently shot you. So I apologize for that... but what I don't apologize for is my reasons for hating your dad. He killed my dad, and I admit that he sort of deserved it, but he still killed him. I wanted Rick to feel what I felt. My family was slaughtered in front of me! I don't care if you think I'm weak; people shouldn't have to see their whole family eaten by monsters right in front of their own eyes! But guess what? I was lowering the gun. I wasn't going to actually shoot your dad! If Michonne had just waited to grab the gun from my hand, then you wouldn't be missing an eye now!"

At some point in my rant, I'd let my eyes fall to the ground. Now, I looked up at Carl who gave me a nasty scowl.

"Was that supposed to be an apology?" he hissed. "You're just putting the blame on Michonne and my dad!"

I bit my lip. Maybe I should've just let him do the talking.

"Well?! What the fuck is wrong with you?!" Carl took a step forward, glaring into my eyes.

"I didn't mean it like that," I growled. "I meant that you can't just blame me for what happened that night! It's not as simple as just me stealing your gun and shooting you!"

His eyebrow raised. "Oh, really?" The sarcasm in his voice was easily detectable. "So it's not simple that I gave you a second chance, and you ruined it?!"

"Second chance?"

"Yes!" he cried. "You held a gun up to me, but I didn't narc on you or shoot you. I let you live. I gave you a second chance, and what do you go and do? You hold a gun up to my dad!"

"I... I'm..." I stuttered, my face burning. Admittedly, he was right. Partially. I mean, I was right too. It was just complicated.

He watched me closely. He was only a foot away from me, and he seemed to realize that too. Instead of taking a step back, he took a step forward.

"You wanted to apologize, right? Well, what kind of a shit apology was that?" His scowl grew angrier.

"I'm sorry," I murmured. "I'm sorry for everything."

"What is with you, Ron? You've been wanting to apologize for ages, and now I'm willing to listen... but all you do is vent your feelings to me and then say you're sorry? Well, what about me? I have more to complain about than you!"

"Then I'll listen!" I shouted. "I'll listen to you if that's what you want!"

Carl shook his head furiously at me. "I want a lot of things, Ron, but I just... I can't." He started to turn, to head for the door, but I blocked him, grabbing his sleeve and pulling him in front of me.

"What can't you do?" I asked.

He sighed, biting his bottom lip. He reached to scratch his wrist under his sleeve, but his fingers grazed mine where I held him. He flinched, but kept his hand planted on his wrist, gently touching my knuckles. I stared to his face which bore a peculiar expression that I couldn't identify. His brows were furrowed and his eye squinted at the wall behind my head.

"Carl?" I kept my voice soft, trying to keep the atmosphere calm.

Instead of answering the question I'd asked him, Carl scratched his head, murmuring, "You wanted to be my friend before. We were going to be friends."

"I still do."

"What?"

"I still want to be your friend," I said.

He shook his head. "How? After everything that's happened... how?"

I paused, thinking back to the moment when we were disguised as walkers. "...you held my hand."

"Huh?" His head shot up, staring at me with his eye widened.

"When Father Gabriel left with Judith, you held my hand."

"Because we had to. Everyone was supposed to hold each others hands."

"But why mine?"

"Why not?"

"I had just shot you, and then you held my hand. You didn't avoid me like most people would have."

"I'm not most people."

"You forgave me after that... so can't you forgive me now?"

He shook his head, leaning back on his heels. "It's different this time. Don't you see what you've done? I lost an eye because of you, and you're telling me I have to forgive you?!"

"Okay, fine!" I cried. "Don't forgive me! I just wanted you to know that I didn't mean to shoot you! I wasn't even going to shoot Rick! I lowered the gun, Carl. I lowered it."

Carl's face was red with anger and so was mine. He clenched his jaw, glaring at me. I didn't move a muscle when he raised his arm, moving it back as if to punch me. I closed my eyes and waited for the pain. But then, I felt a hand come down onto my shoulder. Gently.

I opened my eyes. Carl had his hand on my shoulder, and he stared right at me. His eye was filled with tears, and I knew he was on the brink of a melt down.

"Carl..." I murmured.

He shook his head furiously, squeezing his eye shut. "No, don't talk."

His fingers dug into my shoulder, but I ignored the pain. Carl was shaking in front of me. I grabbed his waist, pulling him close so that his chest was against mine. My hands moved up to his back, and I held him firmly against me as he sobbed.

We stayed there for a few minutes before I led his whimpering body to the couch. I sat down with Carl still in my arms. He was partially on top of me - his legs laying over mine, his back on the couch cushion, and his head buried in my neck.

I don't know the exact moment that he fell asleep, but at some point he did, and I was pinned to the couch. If I stood up, I would disturb him, and I didn't want to do that. So I stayed where I was with Carl in my arms.

I was pretty exhausted, but I found myself unable to fall asleep. I looked at the boy in my arms who slept so peacefully. His cheeks, dotted with freckles, looked soft and surprisingly clean. He smelled like soap too. I don't know why, but I had the sudden urge to lean down and kiss his cheek. I held in the urge and looked away from him quickly.

The exhaustion finally got to me after an hour of sitting and staring around the room. My eyelids shut quickly and before I knew it, I was asleep.