The Year

IV.

I clutched tightly to Nael's arm, holding on as if he was the only rock and I was stuck in a whirlpool, yet the reality was that we were all trapped in that same whirlpool. Nael's arm had begun to heal, and a mask was plastered on his face, but he hadn't come anywhere close to healing what was on the inside. I hadn't slept for the past week, spending each night at the hospital until visiting hours ended, and then climbing out my bedroom window as soon as I got home to stare at the sky until the sun rose again. Sofi had hardly talked when we were together, as if she found it too hard to even open her mouth and say a word.

We walked in the front doors of the school before the sun had fully risen, and I appreciated the cold mist of the morning which cooled my cheeks. Nael had stayed in the hospital for a week, both because of the cut on his arm, and because he had been assessed by one of the psychiatrists at the hospital, who had said that he displayed traits of both depression and anxiety disorders. Nael had to check in once every week for the next two months to visit the psychiatrist, and they were debating putting him on Prozac. In one week, Nael's entire life had come crashing down within a week, and the most frustrating thing about it was that I felt I couldn't do anything about it. I don't know how I had missed it until now. Nael was... my everything. He is my everything, and I can't get rid of the guilt eating at my heart. It keeps me up every single night, taunting me, whispering into every corner of my mind the promises I failed to fulfill as a friend.

"Alice," Nael said, pleading with his eyes in my direction. The light that once filled his eyes was gone, two deep brown abysses taking over. He had begged me not to make a big deal out of him coming back to school; not to hold on to him, or look at him with pity, or constantly check up on him. Nael wanted today to be as normal as it had been two weeks ago, but I couldn't go back as easily as he could. The thing that scared me the most, above the suicide attempt, above the hospital stay, above the depression and the anxiety and the Prozac, was Nael's lack of feeling. He hadn't said hardly anything to Sofi or I, even though we had pleaded with him just to tell us anything. In the hospital, it was as if he refused to acknowledge what had happened. Nael would talk to us about school, or when we watched TV together he would sprinkle in his usual commentary, but he didn't say a word about the attempt. Something inside of me knew that if he didn't talk about it, something like this would happen again, and I couldn't afford that. I can't afford to let Nael do this to himself again, because the next time, no one might be there to save him; and the scariest monster in my head kept chanting- maybe he truly wanted it that way.

Walking into the building, the usual hum of students- half too tired to form a coherent sentence, and half so tired that they were close to being delirious- cut off nearly completely. Mrs. Izadi had done everything she could to keep news from spreading, but in a high school, that's a nearly impossible task. Sofi and I were getting questions just two days after Nael had been hospitalized, and while we had ignored anyone who asked, we couldn't pretend like something hadn't happened anymore. Nael was back, which was further proof that the attempt and the weeklong absence had been real.

Looking around, hundreds of pairs of eyes were shooting holes straight through us. I was on Nael's left, leading him around the cafeteria to our table, and Sofi was on his right, giving the death stare to as many people as she could. Even the teachers that usually kept to themselves gossiping in the corner stopped to look at Nael, whose tan skin was ashy and brown eyes were bloodshot. Through the corner of my eye I could see him clenching his jaw, and his hands curled into two fists at his sides. I gently grabbed his elbow to lead him quickly to our table, wishing with everything in me for this awkward walk of shame to be over.

Once we sat down, conversations picked back up again, but there was something noticeably different in the atmosphere. The lights above seemed harsher, color jumped out and hurt my eyes, and every breath I took stung my lungs and throat, leaving them with a sour taste. I gave Sofi a glare from where she sat across the table from Nael and I, trying to get her to ask him if he was okay.

As soon as Sofi made eye contact with me, she asked him, "Nael, how are you doing? We can walk you to your first class when the bell rings if you'd like?" Nael, snapped his head up as if he had been in a trance, and began to shake his head.

"No, thank you, but I'm fine. I'm just tired, and I forgot to make an extra cup of coffee this morning," Hayden sighed, a blank look on his face. I knew he was lying- he could barely finish one cup before he poured the rest of it down the drain, but I sensed that no amount of pleading would get anything out of him this morning. Instead, I dropped the issue and the three of us sat in silence, Sofi absentmindedly drawing on her hand, Nael staring into space, and I watching all of the other people in the cafeteria, all laughing as if they had no troubles in the world, trying to hide the very demons I sensed we all shared.

Three bells later, I was in algebra, and could not pay attention to my teacher for the life of me. All I could think about was Nael, wondering if he was okay, wondering if Trevor or James had said anything to him, wondering if he was in the bathroom, dead. I kept checking my phone, hoping for a text from him, but it had gotten to the point where I couldn't wait any longer. I shot him a quick text asking how his day was going so far, and tried to focus on the notes that my teacher was projecting on the board from his computer. Within seconds, my phone lit up with a reply.

It's been fine Alice. I just, um, do you think you could do something for me?

I typed back as quickly as I could.

Of course Nael, what do you need?

The three dots flashed for over three minutes, but I refused to turn off my phone until I got a reply. Anxiety built up in my throat until it was hard to breathe, and my thumbs began to shake over my screen. Finally, a reply came.

Could you, um, I don't know how to ask this but could you try to stay away from Trevor? Tell Sofi, too.

My heart raced with Nael's reply. Nael was never vague or ambiguous when we talked, he was always straightforward and would trust Sofi and I with anything. That was, he used to be straightforward, up until the last week. I sent an ok to Nael and let Sofi know of his odd request before clicking my phone off and placing it upside down on my desk. There were so many questions in my head I wanted an answer for, but something was stopping me from asking them. There was a tug deep in my heart, but I couldn't decipher which way it was going, but more importantly, which way it was coming from.