A hero.
What do you think of when you hear that word?
Superman? Spiderman?
A famous superhero from a comic book that went out of his way to save society or humanity from some other world like problem? Do they have super human strength or fly? Do they fight crime and have a villain counterpart?
What about batman?
Even though he had no actual superpower, he had one amazing utility-belt!
When I think of that word, I don’t think of the above. I think of you. A person who tries his best to protect and watch over the people he cares of the most. You protect me. From that commie who you aren’t on best terms with, that Frenchman who you say only wants to get me into his bed, that Englishman who doesn’t always remember who I am, and myself.
You’ve saved me from my darkest moments. When I would feel worthless or overlooked by the world. When I would feel myself sinking into thoughts and drowning in my own feelings of being invisible, unnoticed, and uncared for.
You were there when I needed you the most. You told me you’d be there to hold me close, through both thick and thin. When I had thought all hope was lost for me, when my dreams terrorized me through the night. You would come and remind me of how special and unique I was to the world and how much you needed me. I never understood how you could need a person like me. You were always much better, more noticed and more attractive to the world compared to me and even though I had tried to keep warm, I just grew colder. It’s been decades now and I had felt like I was slipping away.
I remember my lowest point. You had found me in my bathroom, blood everywhere. As much as I had seen that look of sadness in you’re eyes, you never broke down in front of me. I babbled apologies, that I was just so tired, and just done with this world. You didn't yell or get angry at me. You listened to me quietly.
I didn’t completely realize what I had done when it happened. You had tried to grab on to me and hold me tight, but I had fallen unto my knees by that point. I could't stop shaking and I kept crying, sobbing into your shirt. You tried to whisper calming and encouraging things into my ear, but I couldn’t hear them over my own thoughts and insecurities I had about myself in that moment.
By the time I started to listen to your words I was numb and half asleep, exhausted from the entire situation. You where there when I woke up too. I didn’t know what you were going to do, but I never expected you to do what you did. You smiled, hugged me and told me how much you loved me.
You have no idea how that felt, how you had saved me in those exact seconds. You held and watched me through the toughest part of my life and you still loved me. I felt disgusted in the behaviour I had shown you, embarrassed, but you kept giving me love.
That was the exact moment I had finally realized what a hero actually was. A hero is someone that hasn’t given up. They want to carry other’s burden and help you fight your battles with you. They are compassionate and caring people who want to give love to those who can’t see it themselves. They want to open the eyes of the shadowed and pull them out of the darkness so that they can finally see and feel how glorious and beautiful the light is.
At that moment I had genuinely smiled back to for the first time in a very long time. I had finally felt hope and it was you.
I don’t need much now. You have taught me to be strong and to believe in myself. You told me it’s okay to sad, as long as I still remember to smile and have fun.
It’s been awhile, but I’ve finally gotten better, I have finally become the person I want to be. The type of person you would be proud of. I want to see the smile you’ll give me when you finally get the chance to see how much I have changed.
I understand too. I need you, but you need me just as much. You can’t always be perfect. You need to relax and step down sometimes too or you’ll end up just as bad as did. Let me be your hero sometimes too.
Thank-you for saving me and always being my hero Alfred.
Love,
Matthew Williams.
