Diary of a Teenage Stalker

Entry Four

March 28th

I did it. I really did it. I almost can’t believe that it worked, that you actually SAW me! You saw me! You noticed me! You knew my name! All these years and I was starting to think that you didn’t, even know my name that is. But you did, you do. I should have expected that though, the way you are and all. Of course you’ve noticed me, we’ve had classes together ever since the first grade. You’re so observant that way. Of course, of course you know my name.

You can’t understand how excited I am, this feeling of elation that’s just coursing through my body. I didn’t just get to talk to you today; you actually let me sit by you during lunch. We talked about math the entire hour and then at the end you helped me out with my homework. You were always good at trigonometry; I never really understood it though. I get the other chapters a lot though so maybe when we finish with trig, and if we’re still friends, you’ll let me help you out with the homework. I know that you don't always understand math the best, I've seen that you don't understand it. And I want to help you with it, just help you with something. Anything.

I didn’t go over to your house tonight, that’s the first time in years. I didn’t feel like I had to. Usually, before today, I would feel drawn to you, like I had to be near you or I’d miss something important. For some reason I didn’t feel that at all today. I just kept thinking about the time we spent with each other at lunch and all the time we might spend with each other tomorrow and I felt as if I didn’t need to see you at that very moment. I don’t know if I should be worried about that. Does it mean I love you less than I did? Or is it something that’s normal? I don’t know. I’m not sure I want to know because whether it’s good or bad I actually like it a little. I sat down at supper and talked with my family today, I haven’t done that in a long time because usually I’m thinking about you. But I actually had a conversation with them today. It’s almost hard to believe how distant I was from everything only yesterday. It’s amazing how you change my world with a smile. A word. A conversation. That’s all it takes.

I still love you. I know that. I haven’t felt a huge change in myself, only little things like not feeling the need to just watch you. I still want you to be happy, I still want you to understand how I feel. So I know that I still love you.

I’m actually beginning to feel a little bad about what happened to Jay. Just a bit. I know that it had to happen but I could see the worry in your eyes when I was talking with you. You’re probably hoping he’s okay. The police haven’t found the body yet, they probably think he just ran away. You probably think he just ran away. It’ll hurt you when you find out he’s dead. I didn’t want to do that to you but I still think it was for the best. Besides, if Jay was still around you probably wouldn’t have talked to me today.

You’ll understand it. That I only did it because I love you. Now I know that you’ll understand because we’re getting close and soon I’ll be able to tell you about all of this. When I do I know that you’ll understand because you’ll see my point of view. I’m sure you’ll thank me for everything I’ve done because you’re that kind of person. You’re a kind person.

I didn’t see you tonight, so I guess I’ll just write it here. Good night, sweet dreams, I’ll be here for you forever.

Always with Love,

Josh