Book of Ramblings

Anonymous

   I can't tell the difference between day and night. What's dusk and dawn. What's real and fake. I'm losing my mind. I can no longer control my actions, nor know that I am doing them. My eyes are playing tricks on me. One minute my ears are ringing. The next minute, I'm deaf once again. This world has corrupted me. I'm no longer myself anymore. I lost my faith in everything I ever believed in. There is no longer truth that exists, but only lies and pain. This world now revolves around sex, lust and sorrow. I don't fit in anywhere. Not that I ever have or anything. I'm infinitely walking the same, straight line. I'm unable to turn back around and change what I have done. I can not break away from this line. It just keeps pulling me along in the same, straight direction. What am I even doing here? What is the purpose of my life? I don't even know anymore. All of my deepest and darkest secrets have been spilled. Only one remains intact. No living soul will ever learn this one secret. Not that souls even truly exist. Remember, I have no true beliefs. I don't even believe in religion. What I said was only a figure of speech, or course. I'm partially terrified that whoever ends up reading this will find out who I am by my handwriting. What am I supposed to even do anymore? I'm tearing up right now. I no longer have any virtues or goals. I can't think straight. My body is constantly drained of energy no matter how much sleep I get. All I want to do is die. I'm not afraid to die. Yet, I am worried about the fact that I won't know what happens next. That is why most people cling to a religion. They pick one that suits them the best, and they think they know what really happens when they die. I don't know if there will be a heaven or a hell, another life, if we'll be stuck as ghosts, or if we will just be gone. Will we eternally rot under 6 feet of dirt, grass, gravel, and a heavy tombstone? Will we eternally replay the scenes of our deaths? Or will we eternally feel the same pain of our deaths? Or when we die, are we really not dead? Is it just an illusion? Are we scientifically dead and truly alive, just unable to move or speak yet we still have all of our senses? This isn't just a normal rambling. One random sentence after the next with no connection to any of them. I have so much to say on every topic and hundreds of random topics that I'd like to speak about, that one random sentence after the next just won't cut it. Now, something really messed up about my life is that my family/parents have never supported me in anything I ever wanted to do. They only "support" me in things that THEY want me to do. I mean, yeah, I'm great at art and I like doing it too, but THAT IS NOT WHAT I WANT TO DO WITH THE REST OF MY GOD DAMN LIFE! That's kinda what I'd like to yell at them. My dad just doesn't really give a shit what I do. I could go and get pregnant for all he cared. Now, all I really want to do it sing. I'm pretty good at it too. Just not in front of too many people, haha. Whenever I tell my unsupportive mom that's what I want to do with the rest of my life, she says, "You need to stick with art. There's too much singing competition out there for you." So it really breaks my heart when I see kids like me on shows like America's Got Talent with both of their parents there supporting them no matter how good or bad they are. I guess you could call me a little jealous of them. Compared to my disfunctional family, they're the perfect, magazine families. They are what I want but can never have as a family. I have so many ways I could criticize my family because of how shitty they've made my life. They do not realize that they are the start of a chain reaction that created the hell that is my life. They have ALWAYS criticized me, hated me, and pointed out my flaws. And they wonder why I truly and honestly hate them. I am honestly petrified of everything because of them. I'm even afraid of getting too close to someone and starting to care for them because I'm afraid of always being judged. Whenever I ever try to stand up to these people that are always criticizing me, I never even get to say half of what I want to say. I can't even face my fears because of them, I always break under the pressure. I'm just a weak being, a wuss that doesn't even have a right to live. I'm trapped in an endless dark room that I have no door to escape. I like to compare my life to Meg's off of Family Guy. Our lives are so similar. Moving on from that topic...  Last year, my friend wrote a book of poems about suicide. She still had no idea how pissed off that made me. She has never experienced the true fear, and agonizing pain of sadness. She cries when someone touches her instrument. I literally roll my eyes every time I think about this. Over the years, I have been physically bullied, emotionally bullied, and even cyberbullied. She is completely clueless as to how cruel things can really get. I don't really want to get into the details about this, because then I'll have to relive the old pain along with the new. Now I just don't even know what to say anymore... My brain should just shut the hell up for once...