Book of Ramblings

The Outcast

There are some things, most things, about me that no one seems to understand... My "friends", they laughed when my language arts teacher called me "deep". They didn't seem to understand what all she meant. Or even my entire personality. They failed miserably.

I know I have a very complex personality, and even more complex mind. But I would think them, out of all people, would've understood. I'm considered deep, because I'm always deep in thought about everyone and everything. I'm deep, because of my emotions.

I have a cover, a mask if you will, as does everyone else. I may appear to you as a psychopath, a total lunatic, a gigantic pervert, a bitch who is somewhat blunt and straight-forward, but that is not truly me. I can see behind everyone's masks. I can see the emotions they're hiding, the secrets they're holding. They just want to assume it's because I know them so very well, but I hardly know their names.

I'm just an extremely misunderstood person, the outcast. I don't fit in with my family. They're the perfect, skinny, socially-hungry ones. I'm the complete opposite. I'm the defected, (I literally have a birth defect), chubby, socially-awkward one.

I'm the one who kinda wants to be a badass, but I'm too much of a "goody" to be even that.

I just want to be my true self, but I've forgotten how. I'm tired of always pretending everything's alright. I've tried going back to what felt right for me at the time and I ruined, but it doesn't feel the way it used to.

I don't know what to do anymore, I'm stuck. I thought I had it all figured out, but it's just the opposite now. I've over analyzed everything and ended up ruining my plans. I want out. Out of this crazy life. Out of everything that doesn't make sense. This may kind of sound like a suicide wish, but it's not. I'm just mentally exhausted.