Emotional Writing

A.J.E

I was afraid of accepting reality. I was afraid of opening up. I was afraid of falling for you and you not being there to catch me. I was afraid that I would love you more than I love myself. I was afraid that you'd leave me. I was afraid to end up weak and broken.
But you....
You told me you'd catch me. You told me you've loved me for two years. You told me you would never leave me no matter what. No matter if we stayed friends or not. You promised.. You told me you'd make me feel beautiful. You told me as long as I'm with you no harm would be my way....
But you were wrong, I was wrong...
You were the harm. You broke your promises and in the process broke me...
You promised you'd always be by my side especially in the worse times...
Where were you? Where were you after you broke my heart and left me stranded like a piece of trash?! Where were you when I reached out to you for help and you simply ignored me? And where were you when I cried my heart out questioning life and what I did wrong?
Never to be found is where you were...
Not a glance my way, or a simple hello. I would wait in hope to hear you say are you okay? I longed for that comport you gave me. I hoped you would come back to tell me everything is okay, we're okay...
six months...
Six months is all it took for me to say I have truly loved someone so much that it hurts to breathe. Six months is all it took for me to have you by my side knowing this would end but that's okay because...
For six months you were my happiness and I was yours. For six months you taught me how to love. For six months you taught me that no matter how fucked up your life is there is always something good in the end. For six months you made me realize that I wasn't scared of love.... I was
scared of what came after.

There is still one fear we both hate to realize because we're not sure what it is...

But I've realized something...
I've realized that I needed you and I still do. I'm happy but not like I was with you. You're happy but there's something in you that doesn't show how truly empty you,are all alone. I hide my sorrow with a fake smile and some laughter. You hide yours with solidarity from the world and humble laughter. You hide your love for me by making yourself believe you hate me, by blaming me for your friends leaving you, by saying you regret dating me if you knew how badly it would end for you, and you hide your love by blaming yourself... I hide my love by trying to move on, by caring for you from afar,by making sure you're okay, but in the end I can't hide my love for you, for I am not weak....
You were my drug and I was yours. Your words would sting like a knife to the heart but your lips would heal the wound. I was your drug. WAS and you WERE mine... But that's all we have left for each other two words that signify the past... We're now part of each other past. And no matter how much it hurts seeing you, or seeing you happy with someone else, I know you still love me and even if there is some hope you'd come back I know you won't. We were opposites and I guess opposites attract. We were bad for each other that when we were together it felt so right.
We made wonderful memories but that's all they are now...just memories....
Memories that will forever haunt me remembering your smile when you'd see me, your laughter when you'd laugh at my dumb jokes, your clear blue eyes that would twinkle when you'd talk to me, your kisses that showed passion and lust, and your hugs that made me feel comfort.
But I am not writing this to dump shit on Him or myself. I am here to simple thank you....
A.J.E I thank you for everything you've done and I hope that one day if you read this you will realize what one single person can cause. I thank you for your hatred because it assures me you will always care. I thank you for blaming me for your lose because it's easier to hate than realize it's love. But most importantly I thank you for opening my eyes and unblinding me...
For that I will be forever great full..
But for now this is goodbye....
03.12.16