Emotional Writing

Try.Trying. Tried.

Wherever you are...whoever you are with... Just know that I tried my best. While you hated I smiled, while you talked smack from afar I stayed quiet. So just know that I fucking tried not for you but for me.

Tried what?
I tried to ignore it, I tried to ignore you. I tried to forgive you but I couldn't anything but that.

Forgiveness is earned and you in no way have earned it.
When you tell others there is Awkward tension when we're together do you know what that is? That is straight out crap, that's just something you cause and you feel because you know there's something left that isn't solved between us.
I'm not blaming you for what's being said even if it seems that way. I'm just blaming you for the fact that you didn't try... And if you did you didn't try hard enough...

You didn't try to tell let me in.
You'd never tell me what was going on in your mind even if I was just there to help. You never showed me off to all of your friends until I had to tell you. You'd never take me on dates unless it was in groups. You tried to show me how hurt you were and when I tried to help you would build up your wall and shut me out. And you most certainly did not try to hear me out.

You isolated yourself from me...for three weeks.
In those three weeks I realized you stopped loving me. In those three weeks I realized just how much you cared. In those three weeks I cried. In those three weeks I cried because I knew you and I were coming to an end pretty soon. Even after those three weeks you didn't try...

Move on..

"I've moved on. So should you."
Is the last thing you ever told me.
What made it seem like I still wanted you?
Yes I made sure I'd look nice everyday, yes I'd go see the volleyball games, and yes I would occasionally ask how you are....
But In no way did that mean I haven't moved on.
I did all of that for me. I did not think for once "oh I'm going to wear a nice dress and apply make up because I know he'll see me." Or "let's go watch the volleyball game,maybe he'll see me and have me in his mind again."
NO.
When a heart breaks it doesn't break even.
I had to stitch back the pieces one by one and although some are missing I have learned to adjust.

When I get ready in the morning I don't plan to impress you or anyone else. I plan to show everyone that has seen me broken and fragile that I am strong, that I have been through so much and is tired of being ask are you okay.

I am me.
No matter how broken and patched up I am that is who I have grown to be so yet again I thank you for everything...

03.25.16