Promise Me.

1.2

Years have gone by and I still haven't heard anything from my parents. The only thing I've heard is rumours about my mom going to rehab for trying to kill herself 1 year ago. The worst part of it all was that I couldn't feel sorry for her, she was like a stranger to me. I don't even know her anymore. It's been 7 years since I saw or talked to them both, 7 years since Noah was shot or 1289 days to be exact. For 7 years I've been suffering from that day, how is that even possible? I don't know. Everytime I close my eyes I can see it all happening again, just like it was yesterday. I can't go to school without having a panic attack, I can't say a whole sentence without hearing Noah's voice in my head. I can't go outside in the dark without seeing his shadow following me. I have to have someone to watch over me when uncle Ben's not home because I've tried all kind of ways to kill myself, and I have to talk to a therapist twice a week. But like I said, I can't say a whole sentence without hearing Noah's voice in my head which is making me end up screaming on the floor. I don't think my uncle have gotten 1 night of good sleep while I've been here, which is very unfair to him for everything he has done. He gave me my own room and all the love he could give me, he tried to make me feel better with movies and jogging rounds. But it all ends with me laying in my bed crying and screaming for hours just because I had a nightmare while I was awake. He took me to all the doctors there was but no one could give him the answer he wanted, what was wrong with me. All the doctors gave him the same answer.
"It's all in her head".
That only I could make it stop. How? I didn't  know that either.
After the last appointment everything went back to normal, me locking myself in my room because of all the daily night terrors and uncle Ben goes in circles trying to find out how to end my misery.
I heard knocking on my door.
"Remy, can I come in?" My uncle asked.
"Whatever.." I answered.
"Let's go for a walk shall we?"
"Rather not.."
"Come on Rems, you'll like it"
"No"
"Remy don't be like that, at least come with me"
After a lot of convincing I went with him, we went to a lake where me and Noah played when I was little. That's a place with lots of good and happy memories, a peaceful place that I used to go to when mom and dad were fighting and after a while Noah came looking for me. They were always fighting about the same thing.. Noah. Even though he took care of me and protected me from everything there was but still there was always something that made my parents fight about him, especially my dad and my mom always ended up crying for forgiveness.
My uncle kept walking and I walked slower for each step I took. He stopped outside a flower shop.
"What's your favorite color?" He asked
"Black" I said
"Any other colors, on the flowers"
"Purple"
He grabbed a little purple flower and brought it to the desk.
When we came out my uncle started walking again. He were walking in the direction I absolutely wasn't able to walk to. He stopped, I stopped. I looked up at the sign saying "Arkive's Memorial Cemetery". My uncle opened the gate and walked inside until he noticed I wasn't following him.
He looked back and looked at me with a serious face.
"Remy, come on!" He said
"Never!" I muttered
"You don't even know what we're going to do, come on let's go" he said
"Noah's grave.." I said to myself and started to walk towards the gates.
Ben went to the map to look for Noah's graves location, but he didn't remember the number of the grave. He looked at the map of the graves and it looked like he had forgotten the place of Noah's grave. He turned against me and began talking to me.
"Do you- by any chance", he asked
"Z146" I whispered
Ben stopped and started walking towards me.
"Did you say something Rems?" He asked nicely
"The grave.. Z146" I said while looking down at the ground.
He stared at me and then he started walking in the direction to Noah's grave.
When we got there he gave me a smile while he put the flowers in my hand.
"Would you like to do the honors?" He asked with the same smile as the seconds before.
I looked him straight in the eyes with tears coming out of mine and then I looked at the grave. It was beautiful, someone really put up some work with it.
"Noah Benjamin Rethwood, 13/12/1989- 3/5/2006 Beloved brother and son, may you rest in peace" it said. The decoration around it was so pretty, it looked like someone were coming here to keep it look beautiful. It definitely didn't look like it was 7 years old.
"Who?"
"Melissa, she comes here once a month to refill the flowers and make it stay like this"
"Oh.."
Melissa was Noah's best friend and she has been for as long as I can remember. She always took his side and was there to support him when he needed it. When our parents were fighting he went to her taking me with him so we could get away. She has the biggest heart and always wants the best out of people. She was the perfect girl, everything a guy could ask for with green eyes, strawberry blonde hair, short and always had proper clothing. A+ student and were also the cheerleader captain of her school. And no, the captain is not a selfish bitch who steals the hot football players all to herself. She didn't date the football captain she was waiting for her Prince Charming to come save her on his horse. But her Prince Charming never came to save her because he got shot 7 years ago. You could see it in both of their eyes that they wanted something more than just friends. They had this special connection that made them drawn to each other which made me happy. Noah always talked good about her, she gave him hope to stop with all the bad things he had done in life. He was always happy when he was with her and that made me even happier to see him happy. His smile was so rare at home because of all the fights about him with out parents, but when I was there it was like he shut every sadness out just to show me that the fights didn't have to affect us. And Melissa was a big part of him being able to build up that kind of a strength
I haven't seen her since she were at our house for dinner.
"We're actually going to meet up with her in a few minutes, thought it would be good for you to talk to someone you know pretty well" uncle Ben said and he started walking around.
I kneeled to Noah's grave and layed my head against the stone and closed my eyes. All the memories came all at once and not a single one were a good memory just the bad ones. There was just the day he got shot repeating in my head and I woke up screaming and the tears streamed out through my eyes like a waterfall. Uncle Ben came to me took me in his arms whispering "it was just a dream, your safe" the same sentence as he's always telling me once I have a nightmare. He helped me up and I leaned against him once he started walking. Once we got home I went straight to my room, took some paper out of a box and looked for a pen on my desk. I layed down on my bed sketching Noah's grave with all the pretty decorations and the handwritten text on the stone. The whole drawing took 5 hours to complete, 5 quiet hours just for myself where I could do whatever I wanted without being haunted with night terrors or any nightmares. It felt like I finally found a safe zone from everything. When I got down to the living room I saw Ben laying on the couch looking dead. When I went to take his old coffee cup he immediately woke up with a shock and stared at me.
"Are you okay? Nightmare again?"
"I'm fine, just taking the cup"
"Oh, how nice of you thank you Remy"
"Your welcome uncle Ben"
He looked at me with a smile while trying to reach the newspaper on the table in front of him. I went out to the kitchen and put the cup in the dishwasher. I sat down on a chair and looked out through the the window, it was raining. I saw someone with an umbrella walking on the streets, the person seemed confused like him/her didn't know where to go. The person just stands on the same spot, turning around and looking at her phone until she looked right at me and before I knew it she was knocking on the front door. I opened and signed her to come inside, she took a couple of slow steps in and then she looked at me again. This time she REALLY took a close look at me, she gave a deep look in my eyes like she was looking for some answers in them. Just when she was about to say something uncle Ben came downstairs.
"Melissa! I'm glad you could make it here instead." He said to the woman.
"My pleasure Ben, wouldn't wanna miss to finally meet Remy again." She said.
Didn't she already know that it was me, after she gave me a police research she didn't recognize me.
"Oh, Melissa this is Remy" he said standing right next to me pushing me closer to him with his arm on my shoulders. I looked at the floor and went quiet.
"Oh my god Remy!? I'm so sorry I didn't think it was you, what happened to you?" She said with a worrying voice tried to get eye contact with me.
"She hasn't been herself since.. she's taking it really hard." Uncle Ben said
"Remy, would you like to talk to me alone for a second?" She said
"She hasn't said one whole sentence ever since that day" uncle Ben said while walking out in the kitchen preparing tonight's dinner.
She sat down on the couch and I sat down on the other side, she started asking me questions and I gave yes or no answers. I wanted to tell her everything but I couldn't, it was like I could trust her with everything I wanted to say. But then I remembered that I couldn't risk hearing my brothers screaming in my head so I kept going with the simple yes or no answers until it felt like to much talking so I ran up to my room. I could hear Melissa talking to uncle Ben.
"That girl is seriously damaged Ben, you need to send her away so she can get help", she said.
"I know but I don't want to fail her like her parents did, the mom tried to kill herself and the dad is out of his mind".
What was it they talked about, what was the place Melissa wanted uncle Ben to send me to? I felt bad for uncle Ben thinking he would fail me if he tried to send me somewhere. "I've gone to every single doctor in the states and they all said the same thing", uncle Ben said with a shaky unsure voice. Melissa was very strict in her voice, she wasn't the same kind and caring Melissa as I remember her. The only thing she kept saying was that uncle Ben had to take my condition more seriously and that he couldn't avoid the thought of sending me away. It was like she was send by someone to talk some sense into uncle Ben. But then she started talking about my father. "Have you heard anything from Cliff yet?", she asked.
"Not since Veronica's suicide attempt, but I know he's up to something." He said with his arms crossed looking down at the floor. "Because he's still doing some heavy researching on Noah.", she continued. "Why can't he put that behind him!?", he raised his voice and Melissa took a step back. "He's always known something was wrong, I mean he didn't exactly look like any of them."she said trying to get eye contact with uncle Ben. Uncle Ben was walking back and forth while looking down, he was stressed. I closed my door and went out on the balcony, sat down and started sketching, that was the only thing I
could do to think. Drawing was the only way I could express myself without words, I felt free when the pen touched the paper. It was like listening to the ocean through a seashell. I had a picture in my head and started putting it on the paper. I drew one eye, two eyes and a mouth, my hand floated on the paper and when I looked down at it I saw a face. A face that I could look at all day without getting bored of it, a face who made me smile. A smile that I now only could see on pictures and nothing more. That face with the dark brown eyes and a smile that could make millions of people's lives much better.
The thought of him being gone weren't just heartbreaking and and sad, it was so much more. It was like I died with him. It felt like I was a "dead man walking". I can't speak, go to school or leave my house without having a panic attack and burst into tears. To me that isn't normal, it's a psycho with a horrible past who needed to be locked up before I would do anything stupid. A person who saw her dead brother right in front of her telling her these things that aren't true. But after 9 years of him haunting me I started to believe every single word he said. I looked down at the face I thought I knew, stared at those deep dark brown eyes and a tear fell down at his nose. I could feel someone breathing heavily towards my neck, I held my breathe and kept drawing his neck and shirt when I heard him whispering the same sentence in my left ear, "You don't deserve this, I do." over and over again. It all went quiet and I fell into a dark room with no lights. No windows. No way out. I started walking towards the little light showing, I couldn't
control my legs they just kept walking and walking. The light went out and it went dark again, seconds later I could hear footsteps coming closer and closer towards me. It stopped and went quiet again, suddenly someone held their hands over my mouth. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't scream for help. I could feel someone breathe against my neck and the person whispered, "Nobody wants you here, so what are you waiting for?". I closed my eyes but when I opened them I was in my room again screaming while laying on the floor hitting my head against the floor. Uncle Ben came running and grabbed me in his arms while trying to comfort me.
I leaned my forehead against his shoulder and started to calm down so I could breathe again.
When I finally looked up I could see Melissa standing outside by the door looking at me like she was trying to find something inside my room. When uncle Ben left the room I could hear someone knocking at my door, it was Melissa sneaking inside.
"Do you mind if I come inside?"
I shaked my head and Melissa came inside, she was looking around and she stopped by my paintings.
"Did you do these?" she asked.
I shaked my head once again.
"These are amazing Remy, really" she said.
She grabbed the one painting she felt most drawn to. She sat down, dragged her fingers across the paper and smiled while a tear left her eye.
"You miss him don't you?"
She tried getting eye contact with me but I pushed her looks away and turned my back against her.
"You don't have to hide it Remy"
I took a deep breathe, prepared my mouth to speak. What could possibly go wrong.
"Yes I miss him, now do you mind leaving me alone!?"
I yelled at her, she was trying to get under my skin like she always did when Noah was angry or had a bad day. I knew exactly what she was trying to do. Convince me to go to that place uncle Ben and she was talking about.
Just when Melissa was standing up from the chair I heard Noah speaking about how rude and horrible I was. I started screaming in order to get his voice out of my head.
Uncle Ben came running up the stairs and asked Melissa to go downstairs to get a glass of water. He put his arms around me and held me close repeating the same sentence like he always said. "Your home and safe, it was just a dream".