Just Stuff I Need To Let Out

Alone

Why is it that when your a teen and a girl that everytime your friend finds a boy she likes its all about him? Now I'm not trying to be selfish but when I'm with her all she talks about is him. When I'm at her house she just talks to him and pretty much ignores me. I say something to her and shes like; wait a minute im talking to him, mhm, sure, ok.

I've always had friends that left me out but she only does it when she likes a boy. I almost feel used. I can't have a boyfriend cause I cant talk to boys unless I'm treating them like a brother. And the guys I like never like me back. Plus I have really bad depression and anxiety, I still have a lot of stuff to do before I'll be even close to be able to have a boyfriend.

Anyways, I dont know what to do. I forgive people easily but I always get hurt, when I get hurt I just feel like staying in bed for the rest of my life. But the thing that I find weird is that my friend is 15 and he's 21. I dont mean to offend anyone but personally I just find the realky weird and he flirts with her and tell her he wants to have sex with her and he knows shes 15. But theres not much I can do cause he lives in a different country.

I just wish I wasnt the friend in the group that always gets hurt and feels worthless. I wish I didnt have any friends but I forgive people, even when they dont apolagise for making feel this way or for what they've done.

I hate myself; my personality, the way I look, my laugh, everything. I know I have to change the way I think buts its so hard when everyone but your mom thinks your ugly. My grandma tells me all the time what I should fix about the way I look or the way I dress. I try to act the way I am but its never good enough for anyone.

I feel so lonely, I wish I could talk to someone who understands so I know I'm not the only one. But since its so aweful I don't want anyone else going through this. I dont know how many times I've cried over situations like this happening over and over again in my life. I want someone to understand why I don't want to leave the house, or why I don't have that many friend, why I've never had a boyfriend, why I cant trust people, why I think so badly of myself.

I'm at the point of no return. I dont think I can trust anyone other then my mom. I'm never going to get married or even get a boyfriend. And you might think I'm just over reacting because I'm having an issue with my friend. Im not, i constantly feel this way. I havent been truely happy since I was 10. Its been a long time.

Please if you understand even part of what I'm going through please comment. I really dont know what to do anymore and I feel so alone.