Jump

Part 14: Still Love You

Marinette somehow managed to detransform, drag herself from that alley, drag herself through the bakery with minimal questions from her parents, drag herself upstairs to her room and collapse on her door. That was about her limit.

She collapsed on her locked door and held a hand over her mouth to muffle the sobs. Tikki was twittering around her, with murmured worries. Marinette felt bad, she really did, making Tikki worry like this, but right now all she wanted was to sob and cry as hard and as loud as she wanted. She didn't want to worry about worrying others, she didn't want to worry about questions, she didn't want to worry about how this affected the people who cared for her. She just wanted to be alone, to deal with all of this pain.

Tikki eventually gave up trying to ask her if she was okay, moving up to snuggle in her hair, trying to provide her chosen some comfort through her muffled shrieks and shouts of pain.

Marinette wasn't sure how long she sat there, with pain destroying her from the inside out, but it was long enough that Tikki had fallen asleep. She stared out at her room with dead eyes, becoming familiar with the aching, the throbbing and the burning. She didn't even have to look at her body to know that it was bad. She had gone too far this time.

She couldn't help but think of ending it. Ending it all. Being Ladybug was too much. Lying to everyone, never feeling like she was good enough unless she was in the suit, feeling weak and useless, always giving up her entire life to protect the lives of others, feeling this pain. This pain, that she had to hide and deal with by herself. And for some reason this pain, was absolutely nothing, compared to the pain she hid in her heart every day. All of her fears and insecurities that she had to hide. All her negative emotions, all her hurt and anger and sadness. There was no place for these emotions in either Marinette or Ladybug, but present they still were.

But even as she thought of just letting herself float away into the blue, the image of Alya, and her parents, and her classmates, and Nino, and Tikki, and Adrien, they all pulled her back. Then she thought of Green.

Chat.

Chat, who had made her happy, so happy.

Chat, who brought out emotions she never thought she could feel. Or emotions that she had never allowed herself to feel.

Chat, who made her laugh.

Chat, who shared the burden of protecting Paris.

Chat, who hated water and loved sweets.

Chat, who made her feel special, and needed, and loved.

Chat, who loved to cuddle with her under blankets.

Chat, with his deep, understanding eyes.

Chat, who hid his own fears and insecurities.

Chat, who made lame puns.

Chat, the boy who she was falling in love with.

I can't leave him, she realized. I don't want to.

At that thought, she curled up tight into a ball. Trying to block out the surges of pain that swept throughout her body.

Yes, if I just think of him, everything will be alright.

With eyes of green in her mind, a boy in her heart, and courage in her soul, Marinette truly thought she could make it through.

But that was before, her brain brought the persistent thought that had been badgering her for weeks, forward. Or maybe it had been months by now, she couldn't tell.