Size Zero✔

Chapter 7: Stronger

Chapter 7: Stronger

I hate the eyes staring at me. They demand my leadership. The Hilton boy's eyes taunt me. Daring me to step out of their carefully placed line.

They are good I cannot deny them that fact. But I'm broken, imperfect. So the gods continue to stare at imperfection. I muster enough courage. My marimba sticks try to provide courage and warmth but they fail horribly.

My body feels deprived and my dull eyes want to give up. A gentle lull of distant music beckons me as if it were a seductive beat in the middle of a crowded dance floor.

I stare at the white walls of the music room that once held so much hope. My visions and dreams for myself, music and everyone I cared about.

At that point I really couldn't think. My world started swimming with indecision's. I barely heard the count my partner provided. For the first time since I picked up marimba sticks my heart was not in my performance.

I felt like a speck in the universe that was not worth existing.The sounds were not loving as the wood beats usually are. They sounded forced. If I thought they sound forced I did not like to hear what the others were listening to.

I did something I promised myself never to do. But you must understand at that point my dissatisfaction in life was not only at myself. It was at a whole lot of things. Things I felt that pointed out the flaws of this world.

I threw the sticks down in a fit on barely controlled anger. For that moment my self hate consumed me. Into a state of floating barely existing. I walked away from life and the love it had to give.

I was tired of being fat and considered not beautiful.

The next couple of months probably introduced my most darkest days. Winter that year was cold and harsh. There was never snow but the cold wind was more than enough to drive anyone crazy.

With that I was being driven up the wall. My days fell into a constant lifeless rhythm. Wake up, get ready for school. Find bathroom before first period and puke breakfast out. Skip break and lunch. Lie to mum about eating a huge lunch so that I could skip supper.

Easy how no one really notices how the people around them hurt. A smile hides a lot of tears. Whenever I stood in front of a mirror a deep unhappiness that fails me in words always appeared. It was worse than the time I fell in love with a guy only to find out he was getting married a week later.

My world crashed and all that was left was a random little ghost town. So much was going on in the little walls of my world. Mom didn't question my sudden dislike of food. In her situation it was understandable. Grandpa was being hospitalized, my brother was trying to find the delicate balance between playing national hockey and his final and most important year of high school. The worst scenario had to be the one Claire caught herself in.

The scandal that tape caused reminded most people of a shocking reality. A reality many people were too ashamed to even think on. A sex-tape was now in wide circulation. Claire had not done anything on camera but her sin was much greater. She had recorded the whole thing.

The most distressing issue of all is that the people who were involved with it wasn't the sort of crowd a thirteen year old should be hanging around with. I watched as a cigarette dangled from the tips of her fingers. Why was I allowing her to destroy herself?

I shrugged and tried to focus my thoughts on something more important. I didn't care that Claire was in the room next door. I took off my top and bra. Slowly I slid off my pants and under wear. All I saw was fat. I looked hideous.

The love handles on the side of my hips revolted me. I critically analyzed every part of my body. My hair was too thin. My skin an awful hot chocolate colour. The piercing on my belly did not belong there. It attracted to much attention to my fat stomach.

I looked at the pictures of beautiful models on my wall. How happy, satisfied and confident they were with their bodies. The perfect hourglass figure I wanted to have. Not the lumpy curves of fat I have.

Skinny.

Skinny.

SKINNY!

A goal, my goal, my mission.

All I wanted was to be size zero.

The scariest thought was I knew the thought was horrible and wrong but I wanted it anyway.