Size Zero✔

Chapter 9: This side of Paradise

Chapter 9: This side of Paradise

Me and the shrink, we needed to find some common ground fast. I hated the way my family was stared at. It was like we were some sort of complex puzzle that he wanted to solve.

There was not much to solve. There was a barely there mom, an over-achieving brother, one sister with an eating disorder and the other was a porn director. See life was as simple as people made it out to be. That is why the world runs on order.

Mom and the shrink talked between themselves and tried to include the children in the conversation. I could not and would not bring this man into my home life. I could tell mom was absolutely smitten by him. Or was I just over thinking the situation.

I closed my eyes and thought back for a moment. I let the world drift by in complete silence and focused on the sounds that filled me with happiness. The deep barely there thumping of the bass. Followed by the tenor which slowly draws the sound together. Soprano voices give the music shape. Finally the beautifully high-pitched sounds of the piccolo ties the picture of music together.

Then a delicate sound of the steel-pan. It sound like a dangerous lover. Fun but intoxicating in every sense of the word. The music makes me want to move. I know it isn't real but my mind has a hard time convincing my body of that fact. My fingers find the edge of the chair again.

I grope around aimlessly for a hard wood surface. These beats need to get out of my system. They are just screaming at me to release them. I have no choice I do. I takes a lot of concentration to find the right pattern.

The three beat count is not helping my cause very much. A strong beat, weak, weak. Strong, weak, weak. Too basic, I found myself arguing. I added a doublet then changed the time signature to allow a triplet in the very next bar.

I was absorbed as every fibre of my being was concentrated. I could hear the music around me. Until a sharp pinch brought be back to reality. Mom's face was displeased. It pulled tight across her high cheek bones. I faintly heard her mumble something about the black in me.

No, one had any idea how difficult it was for me to not do anything drastic. To tell HER to leave me alone. I sat there in silence. My stomach hurt and I wanted to heave out all the water I had drunk today.

The rest of the session I watched as my family slowly crumbled. Truth, the ugly truth was revealed and I could do nothing. The feeling of being powerless was not one that appealed to me now or ever. I guess I needed saving and believe it or not a boy saved me.

I never felt this uncomfortable at school. The whole walking out of marimba had spread like a veld-fire. The gossips were happy and I was miserable. But the irony of the whole situation was that I was making myself unhappy by denying certain things.

I was denying the fact that I needed help. Or that mom was going on with this whole therapist because she was losing control over her family. I let those thoughts swirl in my mind. I watched a group of teenagers walk by and suddenly the meaning of my life was less clear.

What exactly was I doing to myself? And how is any of it healthy? I let my eyes wonder around the school fields. As if the pastures of green would give me clarity.

I felt his warm arms around my neck before I saw him. Kelso went to Hilton. He and I shared a marimba rivalry that was so competitive that no one remembered the actual cause of it. But when it came down to it, that boy was my number one cheerleader and the closest thing I had to a best friend that did not share a school with me.

"Hey," Kelso said as he pulled me up for a hug.

There was nothing romantic about any of it. Just his warm body, with the pudgy stomach that I constantly teased him for. He just understood me like a marimba. There was no other way to put it. He knew what made me angry, sad or happy.

"Hey, yourself horsey," I greeted back as we untangled.

The scent of teenage boy and axe body-spray lingered around me. I gripped on to the wisps of the fragrance. No, we would never date or go beyond friend.

"You're mama is getting kind of worried about you," he stated the obvious.

Kelso was annoying in that way. Blunt to a fault but he was only like that with me.

"I know just feeling kind of helpless," I said pushing back a piece of stray hair.

We sat on one of the many benches that littered the school grounds. The wind felt icy but the moment of sun made up for the cold. I closed my eyes and felt the warm rays of light soak my skin. The feeling of contentment even for a moment was better than any other feeling I had felt during the past month.

I listened to when Kelso talked. He could be feeding me the crappiest crap on earth but I would still listen. My ears picked up the sounds as my first music teacher had taught me . Kelso put his arm around me and it wondered down. I shifted uncomfortably. I did not like that sort of touch. I did not deserve the carnal intent of it.

But I didn't stop him. I couldn't because he was the only one telling me that I did not suck. I forgot every school rule as I tried to wipe of the feeling of wrong as Kelso's lips gently touched mine. He did not want to hurt me but the gentleness he tested me with was painful.

We lived in two different worlds. Kelso's is the rich and high society world. Where everyone lives behind the glass screen of straight perfection. I on the other hand live in the funny house mirrors. Which is more fun? Both are a world of lies in the lives of equally messed up players.

I was not responding I could not. So when Kelso broke away the shock on his face that I had not reacted was too much for him to bear.

"What's wrong. No response and flip, your hips feel like skin and bones," Kelso said.

Should I tell him the truth or not. I weight out each option carefully. This confession was turning out to be more than a meeting between old friends. I did not want to lose him because I had not told the truth. What did the shrink say again? Something about how admitting the problem is the first step to solving it.

So when the slate grey eyes stared me down. I had no choice but to break the stone walls of my heart. Boy did it hurt, it hurt like getting smacked in the eye with a hockey ball. The hurt was beyond the relief of tears but I cried anyway. Kelso stayed.

He would make a brilliant boyfriend someday to the sweet girl who deserved him.

His first words after I spilled my heart out were, "What the hell, Lea."

I shrugged as he poked through my school shirt.

"Flip your bones could be the next xylophone. I don't care what you think Lea. I'm telling your mom. I might not be your idea of a perfect partner but I can be a good friend," Kelso said texting my mother.

I felt the weight of the world lift off for a minute and then it crashed on me again. It was game over.

The truth hurts. It hurts like a bitch. I prefer the sting of the truth to the warm honey of lies. The SpongeBob journal lies open and it in I'm trying to write down my feelings. Kelso had not been lying when he had threatened to call mum.

A/N: Just two more chapters or so left. I am starting exams this week but I will try to post during the weekend. Lots of love, Dhrish.