Frustrated by the Stars (and Other Things)

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It's kind of amazing how the little things people do in even a short amount of time can change your perspective on them entirely. A few meaningful favors can make them your favorite person in the world. Some offending comments can make them your worst enemy. They say first impressions or thoughts can last forever but the human mind manipulates your view of people in all the things they do or say or feel. In my case, I notice a lot of things which make me think a lot more things.

No, it's not anything too serious like OCD or BPD. I just have a habit of looking deeply -sometimes too deeply- into most situations or people I encounter. I never thought of this habit as something to be frowned upon or upset about having, I just believe something -not sure what- influenced me to read between the lines. A lot.

But I don't think about what caused my over-analytic tendencies all too much. Besides, I have other things to stress my mind about. I usually stress about almost everything but this new thing is big. I have just realized, at the problematic age of 16, I am in love with my best friend of 7 years. The synopsis of the situation alone already sounds pretty complicated but what makes it even more pitiful is that I am very gay and Austin is undeniably straight.

I like to call it a star crossed love. The little shits up in the sky just thought it would be fun to give me someone to fall in love with but throw in a catch. A very inexorable, terrible catch.

I probably could have avoided this situation if I just didn't agree to go to that stupid night of "painting the town" after finally coming out to my closest group of friends, which included Austin of course. Which brings us back to the "little things", "perspectives", "short amount of time" business. In the span of five hours, my friends and I were able to sneak our ways into a very rundown gay bar, meet a guy who tries to get with Austin, get shit faced drunk for the first time in our lives, then get kicked out because Luca (the most drunk out of all of us) tried to pick a fight with someone who cut him in the line to the snack bar.

A lot of stuff happened that night, and it was probably one of those nights that come with endless regrets that will always haunt me and my friends. But probably the most eventful part -yes, more eventful than Luca's attempt and failure to headbutt a drag queen- was when all four of us were dancing in the middle of the dance floor.

While Austin and I were jumping to the beat of a very bad Katy Perry remix, the other two -Imi and Luca- were invested in a pretty impressively large conga line. In that very moment, I realized how hopelessly in love I really was with my best friend Austin. And no, it wasn't romantic what so ever. Because in a series of emotional, slurred, alcohol-induced heart felt compliments, I remember these exact words coming out of his mouth. (Okay, maybe not that exact. Take in mind, I am a lightweight and this was my first experience with a rather large consumption of alcohol.

"Dude, you know what, I am so glad you're gay. Like seriously one of the best things to happen like ever, dude. I love that you're gay, I love you, man. I love you sooo much!" He shouted over the loud music with sweaty pants in between. Jumping up and down was a lot of work. Then he did something that I was completely unprepared for. He grabbed my face and kissed me for half a second with a loud 'MWAH' and just a little bit of saliva -but I didn't mind. I was so unprepared that immediately when he let go of my face and continued to jump, I stopped and ran to the bathroom and vomited from the shock of it all. See, not romantic at all.

I don't know why this stupid, drunk, barely-half-a-minute moment which probably meant nothing to Austin, could completely change everything. When I was leaning over that dirty bar toilet vomiting my guts out, I used it as an opportunity to go over the events that occurred in the last few minutes. And for the rest of the night -which was just Luca getting into the fight, us getting escorted out, and then riding a bus back to the neighborhood we all live in with Luca and Austin passed out and Imi not wanting to communicate because of an extreme head ache- I was just going over Austin and I's entire friendship and thinking about all the little and big things that we did together and the things he did for me. When I got home at 4:30 in the morning and laid on my bed after a very long night, it hit me like a truck. I loved Austin. Like a lot.

Maybe it wasn't just that night and those few seconds that made me love him. It was everything, all seven years that made me love him. The dancing, the things he said, the kiss is what made me realize it. Going over the friendship and analyzing it has made me think about how much of a great guy Austin was and how happy he made me and how lucky I was to have him in life. I was happy about it at first. I had found the boy I loved with all my heart seven years ago and I finally realized it and I would be able to love him now. Then I woke up with the worst head ache of my life and another big realization. I may have realized that I loved him, but he couldn't love me because he likes girls. He likes girls a lot. Just comes to show that what goes up, must come down.

So there I was, the morning after that shit show of a night with a ten ton heavy heart. I realized how pathetic I really was. I have never met someone who I thought of as "dating material" and when I do realize that I had one in front of me all this time, I overlooked his preference entirely. So that's me so far. Gay, only out to three people, and suffering the confusion and struggle of first love -which is a lot harder when your first love isn't even attracted to anyone of your gender at all.

You must think I've told you a lot by now and that my story is basically over cause you can more or less predict what's gonna happen next but I've only told you the story of how the stars screwed me over. And they're not done with me yet.