Forever Alone

Forever Alone - Part 1

Before I know it, “I’ve always been lonely from the very start” that’s what I say to myself. I’ve just realized it when I was a graduating student in college. Yes, I have family and friends that you will think will be always there for me. But no, they’re not, they don’t understand me, my actions, words, thoughts and everything about me. They don’t understand what’s going on my mind, but I feel what’s going on their minds. They can’t even accept me for who and what I am. It’s so easy for them to judge me without even knowing the reason behind. My good intention for other people turns out to be always bad for them.

I may be the most and talkative person you’ve ever met, but no, I really feel lonely deep inside. Ever since that day realizing those things, this is how I see the world and I guess I will be lonely for the rest of my life, until the day I die…

                Time has also changed me, I can now face people with confidence and words cannot bring me down easily. The way I look and the way I dress have completely changed too and those are the things that I never thought I could be, very opposite from who I was before. Though I’ve changed physically, the fact that no one understands me still has not change, I am still lonely…

                Those are the things that I write in my diary because I have no one to talk to since the day I have realized everything for myself. I swear to myself that after graduation, I will not make any attachments to other people so I won’t get hurt anymore. I got tired of being the one who’s always being left behind and trying to make them understand me.

                It’s been almost three months that only my diary and my laptop is always with me, my family got to see me only when they have time because they are so busy with their work and my younger brother cannot go to the hospital alone to visit me. Staying in the hospital for this long is somewhat feels lonely too, you don’t get the chance to see what’s happening in the world because of being isolated in a room where people rarely visit or talk to you. But I think this is better than dealing with those people who can possibly hurt me all over again because they have misunderstood me the way I am.

                So I decided to be lonely for the rest of my life and I think that’s my fate. Though I don’t have the chance to go out in the hospital, I can go out of my room anytime I want. And I didn’t know something unexpected will happen to me that day, while I was going back to my room I got tripped over the stairs and someone held my hand and helped me.

“Are you alright?” he said.

“uh, yes…” I said with a nervous voice.

“Are you sure you’re alright? Because you don’t seem to be, you look pale and seem nervous” he said to me panicking already.

“Yes, I’m okay no need to be worried, I’ll go back to my room already” I said. Trying to make myself look relaxed.

“Okay, I’ll go with you” he said while smiling.

                After he insisted on it, I got shocked and awkward because I’m not used talking to guys since I’m from an all-girls school. But the main reason of this was I’m a man-hater, not just a man-hater but I have trauma with boys around. I start to palpitate and I can hardly breathe, because I had a traumatizing experience with a guy during high school and probably the reason why I started to hate them so much.

                Honestly, I’m perfectly fine that time so there’s no reason for me to be with someone to go back in my room, the reason why I’m nervous is that it’s just my reaction to got tripped over suddenly and I thought something strange was happening to me again. So yeah, that’s the only reason but he got panicked and insisted to go back with me in my room.