Forever Alone

Forever Alone - Part 3

 I requested a change of hospital gown because I cried so much last night and it served it as my whole handkerchief. After I change, I open the door of the restroom, then he already arrived and said “Good morning!” and it seems like he’s so much in a good mood today.  I just ignored and went straight to my bed. “I can’t let this feelings get into me” I keep telling to myself. It should be back to normal the way it was before. So he was wondering why I’m acting cold towards him.

“Is there any problem? Did something happen while I wasn’t around?” He said.

“No” I said but not looking at him.

“I bought some fruits for you” He said.

“Just leave it there” I said still not looking at him.

“Okay, I’ll just prepare it so that it will be ready to eat” He said.

“Just do whatever you want” I said.

“Are you mad at me?” He said.

“No, I’m just not in the mood today” I said.

                When I was going to fall asleep I heard him shouting “Ouch!” So my reaction was “What happened?” so he got cut by the knife. I called on the phone to request some band-aid. His hands were shaking while I was putting it to him.

“Thanks! You just rest and I will go home now” He said.

“Okay” I said.

                I admit it, I really felt guilty especially while looking to those fruits that he prepared just for me. So I ate it, because it will be such a waste if I will just left it there.

When he came the next day, the first thing that I asked was “How was your wound?”

“It’s okay, it’s just nothing” He said.

                But in my thoughts I was saying “Really, huh?! It’s just nothing but your hands were shaking yesterday” and I can’t help but to laugh a bit. He noticed it and he asked “Are you laughing?”

Then I said, “Of course not” trying my best not to laugh.

“But honestly, do you hate me?” He said.

                Oh crap, he’s asking me now, if I answer “Yes” there is a chance that he will stop seeing me. But why I can’t say “No” immediately?. I’m afraid to tell him that I’m a man-hater that’s why I don’t like him andI don’t know what he might do to me after telling him the reason.

But I can’t miss this chance so told him “Yes” before we got closer. I’m relieved because despite of my answer, he still looks relaxed asking me “Why?”

“Do you really want to know?” I said.

“Yes, please” He said.

“Then you are begging again as always, is the simple answer yes not enough?” I said.

“This will be the last time that I will going ask you, then I will stop bothering you after this” he said.

                For some reason, I felt butterflies in my stomach and a bit pain in my heart after he said those words but I’m sure it’s not because of sickness. So what would it be? I sighed then I tell him the reason.

                Back when I was in high school one guy bullied me, while I was doing nothing at all. I’m like a wallflower that time, always at one corner, even I was there, no one noticed my existence. I was so depressed and deeply hurt for what he have done to me that I didn’t talk for almost one week until the day of our retreat when I finally become okay. My friends we’re also very worried to me that time because I’m usually talkative when I’m with them. But that incident left a scar in my heart and my mind that results to trauma, I keep telling to myself that I never trust a guy anymore, they are so bad, cheater, unkind and inhuman for what he have done to me. And because of that, I’ve decided to enter an all-girls school during college to get rid of guys because when I’m around with them, I feel so awkward and I will start to palpitate and I can hardly breathe. But there you are, keep on insisting everything to me, you always trapped me in a situation where you always made me choose. You’re so persistent that makes me annoyed, I don’t have the courage to tell you so I just tried to show it with my actions, but still, nothing happened and it end up telling you about my life.