She sat at her desk, in the back corner of her room, unable to move from there since waking up that morning. She had a pen and paper in hand but had failed to even begin to write down all that she needed to say. After thinking about the events of the last few days, his mistakes, her failures, she had decided it was best for her to leave town for awhile. She also decided it was best if she never saw him again. And it wasn't fair for her to text her goodbye. And there was no way she could get through a phone call without breaking down in tears. God forbid he appear at her door and try to win her back. She doubted he would though. He had gone back to Peta. He was with his love now; she was just one of his many mistakes. They had had one last good night, that she couldn't even remember due to the alcohol that she had consumed. And now was her time to go. She was toxic for him.
And so she started the letter.
Dear Maksim,
I figured this was the best way to tell you goodbye. I've already caused too much damage to ever deserve to see you again. And so I'm sending this to tell you that I will be out of town for a long length of time. Slavik and I have a few performances set up in Europe. I'd love to go back to Ukraine at some point to visit family. Either way, I'm leaving tomorrow, so you need not try to avoid me. I'll already be gone.
Now here comes the part where I tell you I'm sorry. And I am sorry. So sorry. I don't even know where to start. That night was a mistake. I was so out of line. I had been very lonely and the alcohol got the best of me. I hope that I haven't ruined the relationship you have with Peta. She is an amazing woman. I hope she can find it within herself to forgive you. It wasn't your fault.
But I'm sorry for much more than that. I'm sorry for writing about you in my book and publishing it for the whole world to see. It was a stupid idea that I went with because I wanted people to know. And you wouldn't listen.
I'm sorry for leading you on and then pushing you away during Forever Tango. Knowing what I know now, I would have taken you the second you tried to get me back. I understand that you were only trying to protect me from Jason. I wish I could have seen that then.
I'm sorry for dating Brad. I'm not sure why I did that. Part of me was desperate to stay in a relationship and he was available. But I should not have started dating so soon after breaking things with you. I never took your feelings into account.
I'm sorry for everything about our relationship. I should never have said yes to the engagement, and I should never have broken it off. You were so in love with me then and I took you for granted.
I'm also sorry for all of the little things before that. For the looks in the dressing rooms. For the too-close encounters at competitions. For kissing you on the streets of New York at 16 while my boyfriend stood a few feet away. I've been toying with you since the beginning. And I'm so very sorry for doing that.
And so this is it. I'm leaving. And I hope you have a wonderful life. You deserve that much.
Goodbye,
K
She stared straight ahead of her. At air. At nothing.
Her body had been shaking for a while but now it was still.
She should cry. She could feel the tears tearing at her eyes. But she couldn't bring herself to fall apart again. That had been her earlier this morning, and last night, and the entirety of the week before.
Try as she might, she couldn't stop her mind from backtracking on the event of the week.
What had they done? What had she done? Sure she loved him. Sure he loved her. But she had crossed a line by letting him into her house. But letting him into her bed. People had always called her trash but she had always ignored them. They were wrong; she was sure of it. They had to be wrong. Because she went to church every Sunday and prayed and held the door open for strangers and gave money to beggars on the street and donated every last thing she had to charity and handed out gifts to the homeless at Christmas time and--
She squeezed her eyes shut and downed another shot of alcohol. When she set the glass down it shattered. Her hands pressed into the shards and she barely winced at the pain. She deserved it. What she had done was repulsive. She had to repent for her sins. The guilt was eating her alive.
A sound startled her from her thoughts. She stood abruptly. There was a knock at the door.
It couldn't be him. He didn't have the guts to come back here and face her, to face the proof of his mistakes. He was with Peta and they were happily planning their honeymoon. Peta had forgiven him within the first ten minutes of his pleads. But that was another problem that Karina often had. She underestimated the strength of people. Especially Peta.
When she opened the door, she saw him standing across from her and he took her breath away. Not because he looked completely different. Nor did he come bearing gifts, or guns, or the producers to officially kick her off the show. His very presence blew her away because he wasn't supposed to be there. He wasn't supposed to come back to her.
They stood facing each other. Her hands nervously played with the door handle. She could close the door now and lock it and wait for minutes, or hours, or even days until he finally left her alone. A part of her wanted to run back, grab the letter, shove it in his hand and tell him to get lost. A part of her wanted to slap him across the face for coming back to her. And a part of her wanted to kiss him for being here.
She didn't have time to choose between those options. He made the next move.
"May I come in."
"Sure." She stepped aside.
As she turned to face him, he pushed her up against the closed door.
"Tell me you love me."
"What?"
His hands wrapped around her face, holding her chin up, pulling it to his. "Please. Tell me you love me right now. Because I've just broken it off with a girl who has loved me and I'm scared s***less that I'm running to you only to have you break my heart again. And I'm not sure I can survive without you any longer. I swear I can't go another moment without seeing you. So please. Tell me you love me. So I can be sure that this is what we both want and need."
There were tears in his eyes as he waited for her answer. His hair looked frantic. His breathing was labored. His arms, as they held her chin, were shaking so much that he could barely hold them up.
She took him in. All of him. The lover and the cheater. The boy and the man. And she didn't doubt him when he swore of his imminent demise without her. Though he had always put on a strong, aggressive, and slightly arrogant facade, he was a child at heart. A child that got easily hurt by those he cared most for. And she couldn't bring herself to hurt him again.
So she said "I love you." Not just to protect him, but to protect herself as well. For she did love him. She always had. Though he had hurt her as well, and she had pushed him away, she had never been able to shake the feeling that they were meant for each other. Perhaps it was in the way they danced. They danced their best with the other. They just clicked.
She looked up to him, with those eyes that he had praised to the public numerous times. He still had her pressed against the door. Their faces were inches apart.
"I love you too." He whispered onto her lips. And then he kissed her. And for the first time, in a long time, she felt whole again.
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In case you were wondering about the first kiss: http://www.people.com/people/archive/article/0,,20264379,00.html
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So I think this is the ending for this story. This is the longest one I've written by far (and the first one that has a happy ending I might add) and I hope you all have enjoyed the journey as much as I have.
