When I was about 7 or 8 I had one of those Barbie bikes. The kind with the pastel blue, pink, and yellow tassels dangling from the handles.
Oh I loved it so much.
I had just learned to ride it not too long ago.
In front of my house, I ride my bike with a few friends and my cousin outside.
We play as the blue sky turns a hazy orange.
My cousin is riding in my Barbie Jeep, which I got for my 6th birthday.
My daddy had modified the Jeep so it could go faster than normal.
I pedaled fast to catch up with my cousin.
Wobble.
Wobble.
My pink Barbie bike is now laying partially on top of me, my knee and hand are both stinging.
I begin to cry. I have never fallen off my wonderful Barbie bike. It hurts a lot.
My uncle comes over to me and helps me clean my scraped up knee up.
"Oh it looks like you're bleeding. But that's okay. All that means is that you'll get a big girl scab."
I wipe my tears away with my uninjured hand. "A big girl scab?"
"That's right. Later, when you get a scab, it will make you a big girl." I get to be a big girl now! That's awesome! Every child wants to be all grown up, and now that I got a scab, I'll be all grown up!
I thought that was how it works. Obviously, that wasn't correct. Being a big girl, a grown up girl, is more than being able to withstand a little pain.
But is it?
I know, I know. I'm not all grown up yet. I need a bit more scabs for that.
But I've had my fair share of knee scrapes and fallen Barbie bikes.
When I was little, I thought coffee was just awful. But I was excited for the day that it wasn't terrible.
When the coffee wasn't terrible, it would make me a grownup. Only grownups drink coffee, duh.
I hate coffee. It's bitter, boring, and bland.
So is being grownup.
When you were little, pain was falling off your bike.
Now, pain is having to get up in the morning, see that person you don't like, and still smiling at them.
When you were little, pain was going to bed at bedtime.
Now, pain is having to go to bed and knowing that you will be up for another three hours, staring at nothing, pondering your life choices.
I would love to go back to that moment.
Because even in that moment, my life was going at a steady pace.
Now it's going way too fast.
I'm trying to catch up to the Barbie Jeep which is cruising down the street, and scraping my knee.
Except the moment that I scrape my knee is lasting a long time.
I'm going through the pain of the bleeding knee everyday.
Every moment.
Every breath.
I would love to go back to the moment where my knee hit the asphalt, tearing my skin off and bruising the skin underneath it.
Because it's a hell of a lot better than right now.
And it only happened once.
