Smiling (PHAN)

TWO

Phil watched Dan fumble with the door to their apartment, giggling loudly behind him as they stumbled into their flat, hardly making it into the lounge before they fell over, Dan splayed out on their floor and Phil across the carpet, arms and legs hnging everywhere.

"And just think", He heard his friend slur from the carpet, looking up at him with his shining brown eyes with a look that seemed absolutely carefree and made Phil's heart break, "If it weren't for you, I would've spent this entire day alone in my room, completely content."

Pil smirked at the teasing, tilting it head back off the sofa so that he was aging upside down. "SOunds terrible. What would you do without me?"

"Oh, I can't even consider it."

The talking paused as they both took  minute to look at each other, and Phil felt the overwhelmng sense of longing come over him. It was always like this. After their mutual break up months ago, the air between them had stiffened a bit. They were still best friends, but had lost that sense of closeness and openness that had been  part of their relationshp for so long. That ws around the time Dan had built some of his walls back up, and seeing it happen hurt Phil as if he wre beng stabbed repeatedly.

But that was when they were cautious.

In other moments when they were tipsy or drunk, or even when they were laughing at the same joke or remembering stories together, the fleeting moment would come when their eyes would meet, and everything would come rushing back. Most of the time, they both just went back to their regular isolted ompanionship. But sometimes...Sometime they didn't.

Phil liked those times the most.

Dan gave his friend a sneay little smirk before siting up and leaning towards him, slowly moving closer until their lips collided.

The whole world changed into a kaleidoscope of Dan and his scent and his eyes and everything about him. It was beautiful and flawed, perfect and human, dull and sparkling. Just like Dan. Someone broke away, not that Phil culd tell who, and he herd a small laugh escape his lips.

Phil sat up on the sofa, pulling Dan ong with him as he stood, lightly urging him towards the wall, never once parting his lips from his friend's. When they reached the smooth surface, he wrape his arms around Dan, puing him closer as he pressed his palms into his back.

Lightly, Phil slowly moved his palms under his shirt, stroking his spine s he heard Dan give a light sound of pleasure. In response, he moved his fingers down to the hem of the younger man's shirt, grabbing it and beginning to pull it over his head.

Dan froze.

Phil tensed as he felt him stop moving, breaking away and looking at him with a look of confusion.

"P-Phil," He began, and the look of panic he held in his eyes began to scare Phil.

"What?"

"I-I...Um.." Dan was actually starting to concern him, the way his eyes flitted aroun nervously, the way is entire posture resembled that of a deer in headlights. His fear took over, and he lifted His friend's shirt up before he could  stop him again.

"Oh...Oh, God, Dan."

Red. Red and pink and white. This was all Phil saw when he looked at his friend's stomach. There were at least twenty cuts, all in some stage of healing, and even more scars. It looked as if his entire abdomen had been attacked by a serial killer, slashes everywhere. Some so shallow they could hardly be seen, some so deep it made Phil sick to think of how much blood must've been lost.

"Show me your arms." Phil insited, his vice stern yet gentle, refusng to look Dan in the eyes in case he saw how panicked he really was. He couldn't freak out. 

"I...There's...n-nothing there-"

"Hush." He stopped him, lightly taking his right wrist and holding it up to eye level. The flt suddenly eemed muched darker, and Phil scrambled for the light switch, flipping it as the lights flickered on around them.

The skin on the inside of his arms was covered in white, rough skin, mutilated with lines of varying size. But Phil had seen these before. These scars were old, from a time that was different. A time before now. Or so he had thought.

He flipped over Dan's arm to find reltively clean skin, the light shade of tan that seemed to constantly sit there. However, along his fingers, a few shallow scrapes broke the surface. They were so small, Phl wasn't surrised he hadn't noticed them.

"Where else? How long have you been doing this? Why didn't you tell me?" He hadn't meant to ask so many questions, but after the first one the rest had poured out like liquid. He looked up at Dan, finally meeting his eyes, a look of berayal and pity in his eyes.

His attitude changed, though, when he saw his face. It had gone nearly white, and his eyes were glossy, as if he were somewhere else entirely. His breathing was way too fast, and he coul see him visibly shaking.

Phil knew Dan. He knew almost evrything about him. Hell, he knew things he doubted his own parents knew. And he knew one of Dan's anxiety attacks when he saw one.

"Dan. Hey, Dan, listen to me," Phil whispered softly,  gently dropping his arm and taking a half step away, though he ws still prepared to move to his side if he had to. Based on what he'd seen before, this was about a five or six. Pretty bad, but not too dangerous in the end. Nothing like a nine or ten. Nine or ten meant falling down, fainting, even getting sick. Still, Phil stayed ready to move if he had to, ready to step in if things escalated.

"Come on, I'm right here. Come back to me, okay?" He continued, and Dan, in response, closed his eyes tight and shook his head, before sliding down the wall and ducking his head into his knees. Phil slowly knelt down beside him, and after a while, his breathing began to slow. His trembling became less noticable, and he seemed to calm down.

Sensing the end of the attack, he stood up and creeped into the kitchen, filling a cup with ice water and carrying it back into the lounge. He placed the cup beside Dan, before kneeling back down with him.

After about two minute of silence, Phil quietly spoke. "Are you okay?"

Dan sighed shakily, nodding in response, before taking an unsteady hand and reaching for the cup of water, taking  large  swig of it.

"Okay. We'll...We'll talk about this tomorrow. But I want answers, Dan, please. I need that much."

When hi friend didn't answer, Phil released a puff of air, before helping Dan seeing both of them off to bed. Not that he would get much sleep, anyway.

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There are probably o many typos im sorry im on this crappy ipad keyboard that i bought at dollar tree and ugh

its 5 am but i had a shity day and i wolnt let yself sleep until i finished this chapter

Dan's anxiety attack is based off of mine, and what usually comforts me or what I feel like I need. I usually get really dizzy, sick feelings, sweating, palor, and insane amounts of trembling. Touch otside of very specifc places and very secific ways freaks me out when im in an attack, but temperture is the most soothing thing to me. During and attack a cold blow of icy air or a heated blanket will usually bring me back, and afterwards, I'll take either warm tea or an icecold water to help with that after-attack panicky feeling.

anyway im going to bed

i love you my little robins,

Avis <[^>^]>