All You Had To Do Was Stay

7. Both of Us

"I'm not good at expressing my feelings, so I keep everything bottled inside. Half the time, I want to tell someone what I'm feeling, but I don't even know how to describe it. So I stay quiet." -Unknown, via tumblr

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Time ticked away fast, taking away many, many months with it, it's like it tethered away, along with every little piece of information I collected. Each time I got somehow closer, there's a point where I had to back track and it sucked whatever motivation and living ounce left within me to a storm.

I'm angry at more things now, like how this seems never ending. The same cycle repeating again and again. I wanted to get over with all this, but it is as though everything is going against me. I'm angry at the emptiness I feel in my body, and how I cannot feel a single functioning organ inside me. No pulse, no natural steady breathing, nothing. I'm cold and dead. It's not even a joke, like something I'd say to have a small laugh when I was alive. I'm really dead. No more memories stored, no more escape to the dreamland, no more people of worth to me, no more consuming anything, no more feeling the heater or hot bath on my pale skin, no more conversations with people, no more starting everyday with looking for a purpose to live. Nothing, I'm hollow and my soul somehow is still stuck in the cage that is my body. It's astounding, really. How one can still feel vibrant red emotions deep into their soul, without a heart. I feel angry and pissed, but I don't feel my heart beating faster, indicating the rise in my blood pressure. I feel sad and miserable but I have no heart to feel constricting pains. I am so utterly fucking miserable, with all my purposes starting to lose their importance. I want to fade away to the unknown already, I don't want to stay on this corrupted war zone that people call earth.

I'm angry at how people walk right past the things that they should actually focus on the most. Like giving other less fortunate ones hope, when they're basically robots who repeat the same routine. It always gave me a headache thinking of these things in my life, but I gave what I could from what I had, for my attitude isn't something I'd want people who are already suffering to deal with. I never wanted to come out snobby and just a random rich bloke who's trying to clean his image. I never advertised my fund raisers but was visiting a few hospitals and donating to places that have nothing to the scratch. It made me wonder, while doing that, why couldn't people just do it like I do? Just give whatever they can, to wherever it is needed. But no, humans are fucking selfish and only think of themselves.

I'm angry I'm thinking of all these things uselessly, my brain rambling nonsense that has no purpose in the end. It all just triggers me when I witness beggars on the street, and ladies flinching away from their men, and kids looking depressed with their own families. Why does one suffering have to mean that people around them must suffer too?

I nearly trip over a limping dog, it's as if my useless heart fell in my chest. The longer I linger in these streets, the more the paranoia rises in me. I try filling my lungs and emptying them to regain a sort of peaceful state. I try and try and try as I walk to the woods.

But it all vanishes once I reach the deepest part of the woods, and find a single soul walking with bare feet and a ragged old white dress, light brownish blonde hair falling effortlessly to the middle. It looks like a horror movie scene, but it doesn't at the same time. It bewildered me, the unusual sight, but then I got closer and I just...felt it. It surrounded her. It being this unexplainable feeling that's emitting off of her, it's dark, it's depressing, it's sad, and it's miserable. I swallow hard. I have a notch in my mind that I know who this familiar attire belongs to.

Her hands ran over her arms as wind blew coldly, her feet stepping on the dead leaves and branches causing swift, soft satisfying sound. However, as I have gotten even closer, I hear her soft murmurings.