Twisted Past [on-hold]

Prologue

Prologue

I tried focusing on the girl on top of me at the moment who's smiling seductively at me—grinding really hard—but I just can't. My mind keeps on wandering to another place and pictures of a distant girl flash rapidly creating whirlwind inside my head.

Ugh Raymer! What's gotten into you?

I was snapped out of my reverie when the girl—I mean the woman on top of me began unbuckling my belt and grabbed mine when it sprang out. Kitang kita ko kung paano namuo ang isang seductive smirk mula sa kanyang mga labi when she got the closer look of mine. Hindi naman sa pagmamayabang but I'm really big down there at alam kong gustong gusto niyang pinaglalaruan ang alaga ko.

She began stroking mine and suddenly, I felt like the image of the girl in my head has been washed out of my system. 'Yan, tama 'yan Raymer. Ituon mo ang atensyon mo sa babae sa ibabaw mo at 'wag sa kung saan saan lang.

I felt myself relaxing sa paraan ng paghagod ng babae sa alaga ko. Tuluyan na akong napapikit sa sarap ng sensasyon nang isubo ng babae ang proud warrior ko. I can feel her smiling dahil alam niyang nasasarapan ako sa ginagawa niya.

This is what I like about this girl—woman.

I opened my eyes and our gaze met. Punong puno ng alab ang mga mata niya. I wish I could just feel the same pero ni hindi pa ako naiinitan sa ginagawa namin ngayon. Halos araw araw na namin 'tong ginagawa but still, wala. Wala akong ibang maramdaman kundi ang maobligang gawin 'to.

Sinenyasan ko siyang tumayo sa pagkakadapa sa alaga ko, which she did. Agad kong inabot ang pang-itaas niya na gawa sa silk and pulled her out of it. Matapos 'yon ay basta ko na lang initsa sa kung saang sulok ng silid 'yong damit niyang 'yon. Tumambad sa akin ang malulusog na dibdib niyang agad kong ikinulong sa magkabilang kamay ko. Her breasts fit perfectly in my hands as if they were really made to be touched by mine.

I knead her mounds at hindi pa ako nakuntento, isinubo ko pa ang isang rurok while pulling on the other's nipple. Napaungol siya sa sarap at napaungol din ako against her breast. I sucked her like a baby sucking for his mother's milk.

When I couldn't take it any longer, I switched our positions. I am now on top of her. Marahas kong hinila pababa ang panty niya and was about to push mine inside her when I saw her smirk.

“Getting feisty, aren't we Ray?” she teasingly asked me. Gahhhd. I'm such an idiot.

Cassandra. My mind shouted nang matitigan ko ang mukha ng babae sa harap ko.

Pucha naman oh! Ano bang meron dito sa utak ko? May katalik akong babae pero ibang babae naman ang laman ng isip ko? Ang gagu ko rin talaga eh.

Naramdaman kong nanigas siya sa ilalim ko. Napabalik lang sa kanya ang tingin ko when she carefully caressed my cheek, concern obviously crowding her small face.

“Ray, what's wrong?” nag-aalangang tanong niya sa akin. I tried smiling at her while shaking my head—desperately wanting to erase thoughts of Cassandra that's been filling my head.

“It's nothing, honey. C'mon. Let's just continue what we're doing. So, where were we?” I tried to divert her attention back to our business. Ayoko siyang pag-alalahanin. Ayokong pagdudahan pa niyang muli ang pagmamahal ko sa kanya. Ilang beses na ba naming pinag-awayan ang babaeng nagngangalang Cassandra in the past? Only God knows how many times already. At parati na lang, I'll soothe her telling her that it's her that I love more pero bakit parang maging ang kakayahan kong magdesisyon ay pinagdududahan ko na rin?

Do I really love her more than I loved Cassandra in the past? Does this marriage we have really bind us as partners in life?

Tuluyan na nga ba akong nakamove on sa pagkawala ng babaeng kailan ma'y hindi naging akin?

Bago pa ako makapag-isip ng tama ay naramdaman ko na lang ang marahas na pagtulak ni Phoebe—asawa ko—sa akin. I landed on one side of the bed while she on its other side. Nagtakip siya ng kumot while tears continuously flow on her cheeks. Damn. I've really gotten it all worse.

“Utang na loob Raymer! Walong taon! Walong taon ng patay ang babaeng 'yon!” nagngingitngit sa galit na sigaw niya. I reached out my hand to touch her pero sinanggi niya lang 'yon. And when she looked at me, fury welcomed me. Napalunok na lang ako sa sarili ko.

We just sat there. So close yet so far. Parang sa kanta ni Rihanna, in this California King Bed we're ten thousand miles apart. Pinapakinggan ko lang siyang umiyak at halos mabiyak ang puso ko hearing her—my wife—cry.

“God. What did I get myself into?” halos ibulong na lang niya iyon sa sarili niya. Marahas na pinahid niya ang mga luha sa pisngi niya at bumaling sa akin.

“You said you love me... You love me more than you love her. And I was so stupid to believe that. Hanggang kailan Raymer? Hanggang kailan mo ipapamukha sa aking kahit patay na siya ay buhay na buhay pa rin siya sa puso mo? God. I can't even say her name after all these years.” The last sentence was meant to be a comment to herself only dahil humina ang boses niya noon. Rinig na rinig ko ang pait sa mga salitang binitiwan niya.

“Mahal kita Phoebe. Mahal na mahal! Kaya nga kita pinakasal—” hindi ko na natapos ang sasabihin ko when she cut me off.

“'Wag na 'wag mong idadahilan ang kasal natin. We both know the real reason why you married me in the first place. Ginusto mo ba 'to? I guess not. You just meant to impregnate me, right? Eh dahil estudyante pa ako noong binuntis mo ako at takot mo na lang sa mga magulang ko, pinakasalan mo 'ko. You were just forced... kaya 'wag na 'wag mong sasabihing kaya mo ako pinakasalan ay dahil mahal mo 'ko.”

“That's not it Phoebe... Ginusto ko ang lahat.” Totoo. It was my choice to make love to her that night. I knew the consequences and I knew that I might get her pregnant. I knew everything at handa akong panagutan siya not because I'm obliged to but because I already love her that time.

Ilang beses siyang umiling na waring hindi tinatanggap ang kahit na anong paliwanag ko.

“Liar! You were so vulnerable that time dahil alam mong hinding hindi mo siya makukuha. Paano mo nga naman gagawin 'yon eh asawa na siya ng best friend mo diba? You needed distraction and because I came in the picture, you took the opportunity and had me wrapped around your fingers.” tumataas-baba ang dibdib niya senyales na galit na galit siya.

“...I was so young back then. I was too naïve to have fallen for you. Pinagsisisihan ko tuloy ang lahat.” her breathing calmed at unti unting huminahon ang boses niya.

Pinagsisisihan ko tuloy ang lahat.

“Please Phoebe... don't say that.” pakiusap ko sa kanya.

She just looked at me with her eyes flat and void of any emotions. Kumupas na ang lahat ng kulay sa mukha niya na kamakailan lang ay naroon pa. It felt like I am staring into a ghost.

“Tiniis ko ang lahat Raymer. Inintindi kita when you told me she needed you when her husband died. Ininda ko ang lamig ng bawat gabing mag-isa lang ako dito sa bahay when you're there with her—acting as her guardian. You told me that you were just there to help her and her son to stand up on their own as a friend pero anong nangyari? You fell for her again! Mas tumindi pa nga eh. And when she died? Pakiramdam ko pati ikaw namatay na rin.”

“Phoebe.”

She raised her hand to stop me from doing anything to her. I feel her pain and goddamn me for being a jerk to my own wife.

“You know what? Let's just sleep through it all. I'm tired. I'm dead tired, Raymer.”

Tumayo na siya habang hila hila ang kumot na nakatakip sa katawan niya. She headed for the door and before she completely turn the knob, humarap pa siya sa akin with her eyes giving away nothing.

“Let's call it off for a few weeks, shall we?” and with that, she left our room and I am left with a hollow feeling in my chest.

No, I thought to myself.