My Story (MtF)

Part Three: The Past Year

So, this past year has probably been the most difficult for me, honestly. Over this year, I have been trying to come to terms with who I am. I have completely halted the use of drugs, and have limited my alcoholic consumption. The support of the people around me is all that has kept me alive. Although I can not vouch for any sanity remaining. The events of junior high had left me physically, mentally, and emotionally scared. Until recently, I have been over emotional. Now, I am very quick to anger, and am no where near as easily calmed. I have attacked people, and have been attacked by people. My significant other has been attempting to break me of violent habits, although with little success. Although the habit of self harm is being slowly broken. Every day, it has been an attempt to avoid killing other people. Every day that it wasn't a struggle for me to avoid killing other people, it was a struggle to avoid killing myself. Although one person walked into my life, and everything started to get better. After I had spent about four years lying and cheating, I had managed to find someone who I love, and who authentically loves me. I despised myself. Still do, actually. Although I had still been drinking fairly heavily. One of the best things that has happened to me was my trip to the United Kingdom. The trip had changed me, for better or worse. Scotland was one of the most beautiful places I have seen, be it in photograph or in person. I loved the hills, the rivers, lakes, even the people. I would honestly like to live there. I felt like I was home. My body was buzzing, and I felt more alert when I was there. I slept peacefully in places I had reason to spend all night awake, which is more than I could say for here. My only regret about that trip is that I had gone on my first date with my girlfriend a week prior to leaving. It also opened something in me.