My Story (MtF)

Part Four: Where I am Now

I realize that I haven't touched this story in months, although part of that is because of the anger and sadness that I felt every time that I thought about this story. Although due to complications with family life, I am already furious, and I will admit that I'm not handling it well. For example, I'm drinking more than I was when I started writing this story, which was actually inspired by a school project that required a personal response, and I may or may not had been sent to counselling at my school because of it. Although it did not help me all that much, as some of the things that I have revealed have not been entirely appropriate, and so therefore would have created more complications than I would have been willing to deal with. And I have as such not revealed some of the things that I have done with many of my peers. Although aside from my family, life is looking somewhat promising. I am trying my best to accomplish the courses necessary to get my diploma. Although I am not able to drink as often or as heavily as I sometimes wish to, I know that it will be worth it in my future when I'm not addicted to alcohol, and when I won't have damaged my mind excessively. Although to be honest the reason that I have been drinking so much again is because my uncle committed suicide a few months ago. I try my best to not let it bother me, although at night when I'm lying in bed, I think about how much I really miss him, and how much I wish that I could join him. Now my grandfather is in the hospital. I've seen myself snap before, and I really don't want something like that to happen again. I'm sick of this game called life. It really is just a game. It is the perfect MMORPG, the perfect massive multiplayer online role playing game. I don't know why people keep trying to accomplish creating one while we are playing one day by day. All of us, from the day we are born have just been playing a game. And I am already loosing the will to play it. I really have little desire to continue to simply be a piece in a game. It's like I'm setting a timer for a self destruct. I've already written a suicide note, and tried to kill myself. I've already tried this month. Whatever the case, I have made too many promises to outright end my involvement in this game.