Keep the Car Running (Zarry AU)

Chapter 30

When Harry wakes up, he’s surprised to find Zayn still there. Except, he’s not, not really, the skin between his eyebrows creased as he lies on his back, looking up at the ceiling.

‘What time is it?’ Harry asks, his voice ruined.

Zayn doesn’t look at him. ‘You should tell your family now.’

‘What?’

‘You should tell your family what you do now before they read it in the paper.’

Harry rolls onto his back with a tender sigh wondering how long he’s been awake worrying about this.

‘I’m just saying.’ Zayn puts his hand behind his head. ‘My family’s used to it now, but you should warn them. It isn’t fair.’

Harry yawns, copying him, his other hand slipping under the duvet to rub his stomach. ‘Alright.’

‘And you should warn Charlotte.’

‘She’ll skin us both with a butter knife.’

‘I don’t blame her. She’s gonna lose everything. They’ll out all of your clients as well. I hope they don’t mind.’

‘Oh they won’t mind about being outed in a national newspaper.’

Zayn shrugs. ‘I’m just saying.’

‘What exactly are you just saying, Zayn?’

Zayn doesn’t look at him. ‘That teacher at Cambridge, he’s gonna lose his job.’

Harry kicks back the duvet and climbs out of the bed. Zayn calls after him, but he doesn’t acknowledge him, pacing over to the bathroom. He tries to slam the door shut, but Zayn is there, following him in and looking at him, all big eyes and eyelashes again.

‘I’m not doing this again,’ Harry tells him, reaching into the clawfoot tub to turn on the taps. The old pipes groan grumpily as he does, the cold bathroom immediately filling with steam as Harry rips back the shower curtain. Zayn reaches for his wrist, but he pulls away. ‘No!’ he roars, spinning around to face him. ‘I can’t.’

Zayn frowns. ‘Harry, please.’

‘I knew you were going to do this!’ He has to turn away from him in case he shoves him. ‘I knew you would.’

‘Just listen.’

‘No. I get it. I’m chocolate cake.’

‘Harry, please-’

‘No, Zayn.’ He shakes his head. ‘I know what you’re going to say.’

‘No you don’t.’

He turns to face him. ‘I’m sorry, Harry.’ He counts off each thing on his fingers. ‘I didn’t mean for this to happen, Harry. I don’t want to hurt any one, Harry.’ He smiles bitterly, his heart splitting anew as he remembers having this same conversation with Peter before he left Cambridge. ‘And my personal favourite: I love you too much, Harry.’

He looks away and Harry does shove him then. ‘You asshole!’

Zayn staggers back then covers his face with his hands. ‘I’m sorry.’

‘Sorry?’

‘Yes.’

‘Do you even know what you want?’

‘I just want a quiet life!’

‘So do I!’

‘You don’t understand, I want this!’ Zayn throws an arm up. ‘I want a house with a dog and a couple of kids running around. I want to dance with my mum at my wedding and watch my dad carry my daughter around on his shoulders and I know,’ he stops to put one of his hands in his hair. ‘I know that I can have all of that with you but I just want to be normal for once. I just want to do something without it being a grand statement. I was the first Muslim to play for England. I can’t be the first gay man as well.’

‘Bollocks, Zayn.’ Harry hisses, tempted to throw something at him.

‘You don’t know how hard it is, Harry!’

‘I was at the game the other week, remember? Everyone loves you!’

‘Because I scored!’ Zayn steps forward and points at him. ‘I’m a prince when I score and a paki when I don’t and now you want me to be a faggot as well?’

‘I don’t want you to do anything!’ Harry says so loudly he can hear Alfie barking in the kitchen. ‘You came here last night. You’re the one throwing the word love around!’

Zayn steps back again and shakes his head. ‘I know.’

‘So don’t you fucking put this on me! This is you!’

Zayn doesn’t deny it.

‘So come on! Just say it!’

Zayn won’t look at him.

Harry shoves him again. ‘Fucking say it!’

‘It’s too hard!’

‘Why?’

‘Because I’m not brave enough!’ he says at last, hands balled into fists at his sides, but all Harry hears is, Because you’re not enough.