Thinking Of You

The Celebration Pt.1

Oh yay, my birthday....

The light seeped through my maroon curtains and spilled onto my face and surrounding bed. Today, I was officially 19. But it didn't matter. I wasn't getting out of here until my parents pulled me. It didn't matter that I was already a legal adult with dreams and goals I wanted to fulfill. No, the only thing that mattered is that I have an unstable mental disorder and I'm 'insane'. Bullshit. I'm not insane, I just have a different way at looking at things. A way that no one else understands. A way that people are afraid of. Okay, I may be underestimating my disorder, but I'm NOT insane. Very far from insane.

''Brooke? The kitchen is open for breakfast, I'd come out soon. Oh, and happy birthday...'' Chandler, one of the councilors, said from outside my door. I groaned and sluggishly made my way out of bed. In the 'house' each section was categorized by disorder. Well, I was put in a different area since I was so fucked up. I have schizophrenia, anxiety, I used to do harmful things to myself but I've grown out of that, AND I usually take sleeping pills or pain killers. Just another example of how messed up my brain is.

''I'm coming...'' I dress in a black tank top and blue jeans. Yes, that's right, I can dress myself.

I walk out of my room after brushing my hair and teeth. I decided to throw my hair into a sloppy bun. That's right. I can do that too. I'm not completely brain dead. Chandler smiled as she sat down at a table with the other councilors. I grabbed a small serving of pancakes and eggs. The cooks were always so generous to the patients. Never hassling them or being rude. Everyone here was really kind.

I sat alone at a small two person table and ate my breakfast. Since I was one of the only people who weren't as bad as everyone else, I got to eat with the staff. The rest had to be put in more of a....high security ward. It was nice not having to worry about fights break out while I'm eating eggs. Some of he fights are as bad as prison fights. The only reason I'm here, is because I got better. If I worsen, I go back to the security ward. That's why I try my hardest to not let myself go 'insane'. Most of the staff actually feel a bit comfortable around me. Especially Chandler. He was like a friend. The only 'friend' I have in here is Chandler. The others are only here to help me.

I stared out the window and finished off my eggs and threw away the paper plate the food was on. Chandler smiled as I walked into my room. The tv was broken and Chandler still hasn't called a repair man, so I sat on my bed and doodled all over my sketch book. It was for art therapy, but I was free to draw in it if I wanted. I had to take classes here that helped busy my mind and keep me sane. That's what they called it. I say it keeps me calm.

Here in the facility, I have a nickname. Joker. Like the Heath Ledger, Batman joker. Only because Joker was insane and yet so brilliant. I find humor in his insanity. Everyone who watched Batman probably did. I like my nickname. It brought out who I really am. An unusual girl with gifts like no other. That would be my villain name if I were a psychotic person who fell in a tub of acid too. I'd probably marry the joker...... That sounded weird but I would. Heath Ledger was pretty cute. He killed himself though. I think it was because he had to go through some intense training to be the joker, then part of his brain never left being the joker. Then he went insane and offed himself.

Chandler got up and walked over to me, his blue eyes matching the smile he always wore. ''The other staff members and I were wondering how you feel. It is your birthday after all. We wanted to give you something.'' He held out a small velvet box. I took it carefully and looked at Chandler with confusion written all over my face. ''Is this a joke?'' I ask, slowly opening the box. ''No, it's a present.'' He said kindly.

Inside the box, was a chain necklace with a small charm of a black and white joker face. "Oh Chandler, I love it." I stood up and hugged him tightly. When we pulled away, he took the necklace out of the box and put it around my neck.

''There. Now you really are the Joker.'' Chandler smiles again, brushing his shaggy blonde hair away from his baby blue eyes. I stare down at the necklace and smile. This is the best gift anyone has ever given me.

A few hours past and I was called in for therapy. Not art therapy. It was were I actually talked about my feelings and thoughts. The therapist was a girl named Tanya. She was in her early thirties with huge brown eyes and long red hair that brushed past her shoulder blades. She always wore it up in a ponytail though. Such pretty hair, always up in a stupid pony tail.

''Brooke. How are you today?" She's also British, so her accent is very intriguing. Sometimes I just like hearing her talk, but that's my job. Her job is to listen.

"I'm quite tired. Nightmares keep me awake most nights." I normally don't talk too much. I mostly wait for her to drag me I to talking about it.

"Tell me what you see in the nightmares." She says, jotting down something on a piece of lined paper she had clipped onto her clipboard.

"I see people, people from my family dying. Being torn apart, limb from limb. Demons and Angels. I even see things before they happen. Like, yesterday Tanya, I saw Mary, one of our chefs, cut her finger with a steak knife during dinner. But it was only one o'clock in the afternoon."

Tanya wrote something else down. I see Tanya three times a week and sometimes, she stays longer than her hour. She tells me stories about her son.p and how he was diagnosed with schizophrenia when he was only 10. He killed himself when he was 14. Wrote a note saying the voices told him he had to.

"What family do you see dying?" Tanya asks with a rather, excited voice. Like she was eager to hear about my dreams. I fidget nervously with my hands, fighting off the urge to scream or cry. "My mom....my little sister Willow....my dad.....my grandma Maggie.... She was the only person who understood me..."

Tanya rests her clipboard on her crossed legs then folds her hands onto the clipboard. "I think that these nightmares, are becoming something of you. The only thing that is making them come back is how much you think of them. Once they stop bothering you. They should disappear." Tanya smiled and left.

I laid down in bed and shook my head. Tanya was wrong. They always will come back. It's just how my mind works.

                                                         ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Later on that night after dinner, I showered for about thirty minutes. In the shower was the only place I felt like I couldn't get discriminated or called insane, only because of anyone did, they'd be looking ,at me naked. After my shower, I noticed that a new television had been put into my room. Sweet now I can watch  LILO and Stitch. I love that movie.

I fell asleep watching movies that night. A hazy nightmare clouded my thoughts and entered my mind. A boy... Who I don't know, I've never seen him before... Was walking toward me, dressed in a creepy looking jacket. Like one you'd see in a marching band, except this one was black and white and had silver buttons. He has shaggy black hair that brushed past his cheeks, and the most beautiful hazel eyes. His face was pale white, like it had been painted, and he had large black circles painted around his eyes. He held out a hand and said one word. 'Gerard'.