Unspoken Words

Darkness within the Light

From the day I was born till my ninth birthday are all days I wish I could remember. Some days I think back and wonder who my family really is. Why don't I know who they are? When I was nine I was finally able to see my mom again. In the beginning it was the happiest time of my life. I would go and escape from my childhood horror story of a life. When you grow up treated like a slave you learn to grow up quick. No one will ever know what it's like growing up to be me and what I had to deal with every day of my life. Days I dreaded getting up but to her my punishment was to have to wake up. Every morning at 6 am just to make my Saturday hell. Wake up while everyone was still sleeping and force me to do unnecessary chores. Lists upon lists that you couldn't expect a team to finish in a day yet if I didnt finish my list for tomorrow grew. If I didn't do it to complete perfection I would have to redo it. I was 10 perfection isn't yet in my nature. Kids make mistakes. Humans for that matter were created to make mistakes. Upon that school work which I guess wasn't a bad thing considering I enjoyed it. School work was an out to chores. It was something different to do. Doing homework was almost a privilege. By the age of 12 I had no source of attention at all. Growing up kids need attention. Kids need love and affection. Most of all kids need to be kids. They need to make mistakes and learn that those mistakes aren't ok to make and to be taught to fix them. My only source of attention was bad behavior. I would do wild things to get attention, and it worked. It wasn't the kind of attention you'd search for but a type of attention in its own matter. I was stepped on and crushed under the thoughts of I wasn't good enough and you're worthless and your only good to do what I tell you, when I tell you, and if you don't do it how I tell you you're grounded. The being grounded threat didn't mean much considering we were always grounded anyway. In 4 years I was probably only ungrounded for 3 weeks total. It's not that I was a terrible kid, I did do some things but not to the point where I shouldn't be allowed to socialize. Being grounded is different for each parent. My grounding was no nothing if you want it you can't have it. If you don't need it you don't get it. My life was basically hell as time went on I grew to realize that the bad people in your life are only there to make you better. I am a strong independent person and I don't rely on anyone.  On the outside I'm an outgoing, talkative, meaningful people's person. But it's never the outside what really counts. The inside is dark and secretive and very consolidated. Not very often released and most commonly not to other people. If you could see where I am today you'd never know what is really going on inside my head or what I'm really dealing with. This isn't just about me, it's about ever other person known to man. You could see a man with a smile on his face but when he gets home he can't stop the tears from rolling down his face. Words are the leading cause to death in suicide. Words do hurt, and actions can reflect on how people change. Chose your words wisely and let your actions change someone for the better. Don't let someone walk over the top of you, it'll only teach them to walk above people who may be even lower then they really are.